See? I'm 5 now!

Remember this guy? This sweet, cuddly, awesome 4-year-old? Well, now he’s a big 5-year-old, and he’s been in kindergarten for about 7 weeks. He started out with an enthusiastic bang, but now we’re dealing with tears and major foot-dragging when it comes to going to school.

I know, I know — I shouldn’t be surprised. “Help! My Kindergartener Hates School All of a Sudden!” is one of my most popular posts — and a very common parenting dilemma. Fact is, young children are totally different animals than “school aged” kids — and by that, I mean 8-year-olds and up. Little kids are still developmentally more like preschoolers. And that means they’re likely to change their minds about — well, just about everything. So, starting off kindergarten all excited — then losing steam after a few weeks — isn’t a surprise. Check out my post (and the growing comment section, with my additional suggestions) for coping ideas.

And hang in there, if you’ve got a balking kindergartener. Usually, if you can support your child through this tricky developmental stage, the protests wind down by Thanksgiving.

In the meantime, Happy Halloween!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Off to school so soon?

My daughter turns 5 right before the “cutoff” age for kindergarten – so she’ll be able to attend, but I’m not sure she’s ready. Should we have her start this fall, or wait another year?

Sam in Philly

Dear Sam,

All over the country, parents are going through the same dilemma. For many, like those with “early born” kids, the decision is easy. For others who have “late-borns” (like yours, and my fourth child — an October baby) — or for those who’s kids are a tad behind, developmentally — it’s a tough call. There’s no “magic” test for readiness, and no single developmental accomplishment that means your child is 100% ready.

Here is my basic Kindergarten Readiness Checklist of the areas I consider essential to success in the fall:

• Enthusiasm about learning
• The ability to speak understandably
• The ability to listen and follow instructions
• The desire to be independent
• Playing well with others (most of the time)
• Willingness to separate from parents
• Basic letter and number recognition

Here are 3 steps to help you make your decision:

1. Have a basic “Kindergarten Readiness” test administered at your intended school. There are many such tests available.
2. Discuss the results — plus the above readiness checklist — with the important adults in your child’s life, including prospective teachers. Your pediatrician can help too.
3. Revisit your decision over the summer. A child who’s not ready in the spring might quickly become ready in the summer.

Consider YOUR child’s readiness, and make the decision independent of the “trends” in your neighborhood. Ignore the tendency to “go along with the Joneses” – whether to “hold back” or “push ahead”. Whether your kiddo starts kindergarten this year or next is irrelevant compared to the fantastic developments that he’s gone through in the past 4 or 5 years. Remember that tiny newborn bundle they handed you that day 4 or 5 years ago? Look at your baby now! Good work, Mom and Dad!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Make sure to check me out all month on ParentsConnect.com, the Nick Jr parenting blog. You know, “We’re not perfect, we’re parents.” We had an awesome connection over my “Good Enough” parenting posts, and it’s exciting to interact with so many of their families. It was all made possible by the fab folks at Learning Care Group — you probably know them by their 1,000+ schools in the US, including ChildTime, Tutor Time, La Petite Academy, Montessori Unlimited, and The Children’s Courtyard. I’ve been blogging for them on the LCG Blog Learning Together too. They have exciting plans for showing off their expertise with kids — and they want my help. I’m honored and thrilled — and I’ll keep you posted as things develop.

I recently spent a bunch of time with the LCG folks on the mainland, creating a series of parenting videos. I’ll post them here soon, and they’ll also be on the LCG website. It was a wild ride, creating top-notch, scientifically-based, but accessible info for parents in the most professional, high-quality, high-tech media environment.

In the meantime, I’m expanding my Parent Coaching practice, and juggling not one, not two, but THREE kids’ basketball team schedules. What the heck — it’s all good experience for my LCG writing — they want to focus on work/life balance in the future, and my house is the perfect crucible to test out some new approaches.

Thanks for your continued support, and I hope you’ll stick around to check out some of my parenting tips!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

My baby's ready for kindergarten this fall

So, how do you know if kindergarten is in the cards for your 4 or 5-year old? Despite the official-sounding “readiness tests” used, there’s really no sure-fire way to know. But ask yourself if your “baby” has these skills as we move through kindergarten application season:

• The ability to speak and be understood
• Enthusiasm about learning
• The ability to listen and follow directions
• The desire to be independent, and a willingness to separate from parents
• Playing cooperatively (much of the time). Can he handle sharing, playing, and taking turns?
• Basic letter and number recognition

Having these skills makes it far more likely that he’ll be ready in the fall. And if he’s not — that’s OK too. He’ll get there!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Not The Dreaded Bath!

Let me tell you about a cool conversation I had the other day with my Infant Research/Rock Star Guru, Professor Joseph Campos (at UC Berkeley).  He helped me understand more about a funky phenomenon I’ve written about here before: The Weird, Wacky, Sudden Fears of the 12 — 15-month old. You know: Crazy fears of the bath, bizarre fears of mustached men, and other kooky things like Fear of Flowers (I kid you not — I’ve heard ‘em all — many from my own kids). As I’ve said before, these sudden fears are NORMAL — but now I understand a little more about WHY.

It’s a combination of what I’ve already written about here — adjusting to the exciting (and scary) new world of mobility, as well as an inborn fear of sudden, unexpected unfamiliarity. Babies this age tend to freak when they see something that looks out of place – a man with facial hair (if they’re used to clean-shaven guys), dogs that suddenly bark loudly, or things that move in unexpected, uncontrollable directions (like flowers in the breeze). Turns out that adult chimpanzees also have similar fears. Interestingly, our toddlers grow out of these fears — chimps do not. Rapidly developing baby brains are starting to compare “familiar” to “unfamiliar”. It’s likely protective — which is especially needed now that the baby is toddling around, away from parents.

Sudden baby fears are also related to a similar parent frustration at this age: Resistance to car seats, strollers, changing tables, high chairs, or any similar baby-jail. Why? Because they remove the element of control from your little one — and CONTROL is what helps to decrease baby’s fears.

So here’s how to cope with those intense and sometimes inexplicable fears in your young toddler: Give her as much control as possible (given safety factors, and of course your need to do other stuff, too.) Fear of the unknown and unexpected is always best soothed with CONTROL. Let baby approach (or avoid) fascinating/scary things (or people) at her own pace. Explain to her when it’s time to get into the car seat — and let her try to negotiate herself into it, if possible. (She just might do it, if you give her a minute to think it through.) Take the pressure off if she’s feeling shy or fearful. And most of all: DON’T WORRY. Weird toddler fears mean nothing about future psychological adjustment (and the more YOU freak out about her fears, the more SHE’LL freak out about them.)

But on the flip side: If baby needs to get into the car seat NOW, or if she MUST have a bath tonight — that’s OK, too. Explain it to her. “I know you don’t want a bath, but you have enchiladas in your hair, honey. I promise to make this as fast as possible, then we’ll be all done.” Be supportive and understanding — but shampoo away. You won’t do any psychological harm. The trick is to give her the general message that, WHEN POSSIBLE, you’ll give her as much control as you can. But sometimes the grown-ups have to be in charge (and that’s a good lesson, too).

The good news is this: These fears almost always dissipate by 18 months of age. (Then you’ll be on to bigger and better things — like Full On Temper Tantrums.) Whee!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Bullying -- or "Sparring?"

Recently, a parent stopped me, worried about a 6-year-old “bully”. The child in question — in my opinion — wasn’t a bully, but rather a fairly typical little girl, testing out her pretty advanced verbal skills in more complex ways. Did she hurt her friends’ feelings? Probably. And did the friend reciprocate by saying something mean right back? She sure did. The parent was very upset about the impact of this “bully” in the classroom — and wanted to know what could be done to stop her. But was this truly “bullying?”

No, it wasn’t. And I worry about the little girl being labeled “bully”, because the word has such negative connotations. So, what IS the definition of bullying? There are many definitions, but all involve the bully being intentionally, repeatedly cruel and belittling to smaller or otherwise less powerful kids. 6-year-old girls telling each other “you can’t come to my birthday party”, or saying “you don’t get to talk!” don’t qualify as bullying. And defining normal social “sparring” as “bullying” does everyone a disservice.

Bullying has been getting some much-deserved attention in the media, and as a shrink I can attest to the terrible damage that TRUE bullying does to kids. But as an Early Childhood specialist, I know that little kids — especially girls — “practice” their social skills quite a lot with their classmates, and those skills need quite a bit of refining — in 1st and 2nd grades. Teachers in those grades know that this is pretty common behavior, and gives the kids the opportunity to do some social “sparring” in a fairly safe situation. Do they need limits, structure, and guidance in the process? You bet. But labeling them “bullies” is a major overreaction.

If you have a kid in these grades (as I do — with 4 kids, it seems someone is always going through this) — here’s what to keep in mind:

• Kids this age need to “try out” their peer-to-peer social skills. Like lion cubs, they need to practice — but they don’t really mean any harm.

• “Victims” at this age tend to shrug off the insults with no problem. Don’t jump in to protect your cub until you see she’s truly struggling.

• Talk early — and often — about the little social struggles among your kids’ friends. Make it a point to ask about all the details, not to get anyone into trouble — but to help your cub think through the next incarnation of the battle. We’re building “social muscle” here.

• Role-play regular situations that crop up. Cutting in line, saying “mean” things, and “who is best friends with whom” are typical arguments. Walk through these issues with your child frequently to try out new approaches and solutions. Ask, “What might you say instead next time?”

• Be interested, open, and empathic — and try to hold back your parental protectiveness, unless there’s something more serious going on.

• And of course, if your child is truly being bullied — or is, in fact, the bully — please step in immediately to involve the teachers and other parents. This is an age where this kind of behavior can — and should be — nipped in the bud.

With some practice (and a little luck), you’re setting the stage for your child to come to you with social problems in adolescence and beyond — for help and support in solving ever-more complex social dramas and situations.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

"Mom, what happened?"

The news was on, and our preschooler came into the room. Before we could turn off the TV, he saw a good stretch of footage he shouldn’t have: Shootings. A deranged killer. Sobbing parents. A child murdered. “Why is that lady crying, mommy?”

Every ounce of our parenting instinct wants to wish this moment away — to press “DELETE” on our little ones being exposed to such horrors. Erase! Rewind! Pretend like it didn’t happen! They’re so innocent. How to explain such a terrible, grown-up reality? Can’t they stay in their little world of princesses and unicorns awhile longer?

Adding to the complexity of the situation was the presence of his 7-year-old brother and 9-year-old sister. What explanation to give them all? Our daughter jumped right in — she had been discussing it at school. “A man who was sick in his head went to the store and shot a politician plus a whole bunch of other people!” 7-year old: “What’s a politician? Like a donkey or an elephant?” 4-year-old: “Sick in his head? I was sick in my head last week! Remember mom? You took my temperature!” 9-year old: “He killed a girl my age!” 4-year-old: “Don’t die, OK?”

Graduate school lists of “how to talk to kids” at various ages started swimming through my head. But how to answer the 9-year-old with her more realistic questions and fears, while not confusing the preschooler? How to explain to the 7-year-old that death for people was much more serious than finding the dead fish in his classroom aquarium that morning? How to reassure the 4-year-old that he was safe — and so were we? And how NOT to infect them with my own fears and reactions?

I jumped into psychological triage mode. Job #1: Make sure to minimize the fear here. Explain and reassure. Job # 2: Respond to their questions — at their level. Job #3: Fall back on our routine. Demonstrate that things haven’t changed at home. Job # 4: Allow them to support each other, even as you try to correct the misinformation they may have. Siblings can be great resources for each other, giving reassurance in a way that we just can’t.

If there’s something big going on, and you need to stay tuned to the TV to follow anything for safety reasons, keep in mind who’s watching. Mute the sound when you can, and turn it off when possible. Little kids confuse “replays” with reality, and may think things are happening over and over again.

Here are more preschooler-specific tips for talking about tragedies:

• Don’t assume — anything. Your preschooler may completely tune out the situation. If that’s the case, it’s normal — and OK.

• Think in “fairies and pirates” language when answering questions. Your preschooler simply can’t understand the world of objective reality. To him, magical thinking applies.

• Keep it simple, and always follow up with reassurances. “Sometimes bad things happen, but Mommy and Daddy always protect you. We’re all going to live for a long time, until we’re very old.”

• Keep an eye out for questions coming up in different ways — like play. We’ve had a lot more “shooting” games going on around here these days (despite the fact that we don’t allow toy guns in the house). It gives me the chance to butt in and ask more about the games, and how they’re handling things.

If your kids are having a tough time adjusting to a tragedy, make sure to ask for help sooner — rather than later. It’ far easier to help a child adjust when the trauma is new. After awhile it gets more and more difficult. Ask her doctor, teacher, or a clergyperson for a referral to someone who works with young children. Here is a nice summary by Dr. Joel Dvoskin, posted on the American Psychological Association’s website:

Q. What should parents tell their children about this incident – especially since one of the dead was a 9-year-old child?

Dr. Dvoskin: Don’t be afraid to talk to your kids about these events. The most important thing after any trauma is to maximize real and perceived safety for the child…. Letting kids know that they are safe is likely to help and not likely to make things worse.

Don’t flood kids with too much information. The best way to decide how much information is appropriate is by the questions children ask you. Answer their questions honestly and directly, but remember that they are kids, so keep it simple (depending upon their age).

Parents should not lie to their children when talking about this tragedy. To the extent that children are unable to trust their caregivers, it is very difficult for them to feel safe.

Don’t “pathologize” normal human responses to frightening events. If your children are frightened or upset, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them. However, if problems such as misbehavior, sleeplessness or other signs of depression or anxiety become especially severe or extreme, then seek professional help.

Limit kids’ continued exposure to television coverage of the event. Depending upon their age and developmental status, they might not be able to tell if it’s one event being repeated or many events. This is especially true of younger kids. Parents might even want to limit their own television watching.

Pay attention to your own fears and anger. It is unlikely that you will successfully hide your feelings from your children, who usually pay keen attention to what you say and do. Take care of yourself, and if your own feelings or behavior become extreme and problematic, don’t be afraid to seek help for yourself as well.

If it is necessary to refer the child to a mental health professional, as always, step one is screening and assessment. Assess the child as a child, in totality, and in developmental context. Kids who have exaggerated reactions to what they see on TV may be kids who aren’t strangers to trauma. The real question is why this event traumatized this child…. Community trauma can bring to the fore issues that were already there.

I’ve also included a couple of additional links below for more information. In the meantime — stay safe.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Here is a nice guide from my colleagues at the American Psychological Association

And a helpful PDF that was written in response to 9/11 — still very relevant to any tragedy — that breaks down parents’ responses by age range

My Little Play Partner

Those of you long-time BabyShrink readers know that my Baby #4 is now officially a toddler. She’s toddling, lurching, and careening around the house like she owns the joint. And now that she’s officially past her “baby” days, her brain is going through a big burst that allows her to tackle more organized and complicated projects. It’s why she now enjoys “working on” toys, as opposed to just chewing on them, or looking at them.

Your young toddler can remember more now, stay focused for longer, and is eager to try out her rapidly improving motor skills. She’s also getting interested in trying to imitate you. She can’t “play pretend” yet — when she picks up the play phone and jabbers on it she’s not pretending to talk to grandma (yet) — but she’s imitating YOU. It’s an important step towards creative play — which is the watershed development that leads to the ability to think and work creatively all her life.

You have the opportunity to make the most of this incredible time of development. Don’t make yourself nuts by thinking you have to provide a ton of educational “stuff”: simple things (and not too many of them) work best. Make yourself available to play with her, when she’s receptive — strike a balance between staying out of her play, and overwhelming her with your own play agenda. Follow her lead. When she picks up the dinosaur and looks to you questioningly, use it’s name — and offer a play option. “That’s a dinosaur. Do you want to put him on top of your block tower?” Acknowledge her interest, and suggest a creative direction. It’s called scaffolding — letting her set the pace, but giving her a “boost” to build up to the next level of complexity in play. But don’t push it — you’re there as a benevolent observer, and part-time participant.

Be ready to add these elements to your young toddler’s playtime:

* Add another character, so that the play becomes about people and relationships.

* Add another object so that things can function in relation to each other. Think prepositions — put something On Top Of, Underneath, or Inside.

* Modify the pace of play, based on her energy level. If she’s getting too wound up, introduce some slower action. If she’s not interested, try something new.

And most importantly, have fun!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Simpler Is Better

Preserving the meaning of the holidays is tricky with so much pressure — pressure to BUY, pressure to TRAVEL, and pressure to JUGGLE HOLIDAY EVENTS. The obligations start to pile up, and pretty soon we can’t wait until it’s all over.

Here in Hawaii, we’ve learned something about simplicity: Simple is better. Not always easier — but better. As we’re being bombarded with impossible holiday expectations, keep this in mind — babies and young children don’t have ANY expectations for the holidays. Everything is new to them — even more reason to keep it simple. They can only absorb so much before they go into overload and meltdown. Admiring decorations, singing songs, and extra time with family are all it takes to make a great holiday for a young child — and make it easier on us, too.

Because kids — especially young kids — take their cues directly from us. So a successful holiday is mainly about OUR mood, and how it affects our kids. If we’re stressed about travel schedules, dreading family reunions, and scrambling to get “the best” presents, our kids will absorb THOSE feelings about the holidays. On the other hand, if we can relax and enjoy the time off — cooking, playing, and having fun with holiday rituals — our kids will absorb THOSE feelings. Which sounds better?

Consider These Simpler Holiday Options:

* Fewer presents — more thoughtfully written (and decorated) cards
* Fewer “junk” holiday treats — more time cooking real meals together
* Less money spent on toys — more time volunteering for those in need
* Fewer holiday parties — more family “cocooning” time

Aloha and Happy Holidays,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Different from month to month

Lately I’ve been getting a lot of requests for expert comments on baby stuff: parenting mags who want info for their stories. I’ve got a love-hate relationship with those magazines. They recycle the same old stuff,  and aren’t in-depth enough to get down into the heart of the issue. So parents are left with a handy-dandy little checklist that MIGHT work with their child (but just as likely won’t) — and they’re left doubting themselves and their parenting ability (or the development of their child.) “If National Parent Mag says this should work, why doesn’t it work with my child?”

Most of the writers are simply learning right along with their readers. I recently spent 20 minutes explaining to one writer why sleep cycles (and parents’ approaches to sleep) should change over time. Meaning that a 3-month-old is a totally different animal than an 18-month old, and therefore, responds way differently to sleep “training”. There’s no quick, “one size fits all” sleep-training answer. It hadn’t occurred to this writer of a major parenting mag (a parent of a toddler herself) that since the psychological needs of a young child vary over time, so must our approaches to the various issues that come up.

This has me thinking of the simple but powerful ways that parents can consider the psychological development of their babies and young children (which really is the whole point of BabyShrink). I’m working on a book on the subject, which allows me more room to explore the issue, but for the time being I’m left with the same problem that parenting mag writers have: cramming a huge subject into a limited amount of space. So what I’ll do is list some “thinking points” for you to consider in your parenting, and we can discuss further as you have questions:

BabyShrink’s Thinking Points For Parents:

* Your baby’s psychological needs change over time. 0-6 months is about getting oriented to the world and trying to feel safe in it. 9-12 months is a whole different ball game, and leads into toddlerhood, which is different yet again (check out “annoying toddler behaviors” under my Categories below and to the right). Vary your approach as your child goes through each stage.

* Psychological development doesn’t follow a straight line. There will be “regression”, and there will be progress. This is normal and expected.

* The fact that your young child CAN do something doesn’t mean that she WILL do it. HAVING a skill doesn’t mean your child is psychologically ready to USE it. Readiness to sleep through the night, potty training, talking, and most other issues have strong psychological components  — handling that aspect artfully, helps your child navigate the issue more completely, and with less chance of later problems.

* Your child’s temperament is a major Wild Card here. What works for an “easy” baby might be worthless for your “fussy” baby. An “intense” toddler needs a totally different approach than a “shy” one.  A “bold” preschooler needs a different approach than a more “sensitive” one.

Randomly trying new parenting “solutions” can be really frustrating. Understanding the psychology of your child, and making a parenting plan based on these “Thinking Points”, is the key to finding your way with your child. If you want to to know more about how psychological development affects your parenting, and how it can best be handled given the unique temperament of your child, there are lots of ways to learn more. Click around my site, Twitter me your questions @BabyShrink, comment here, or email me at BabyShrink@gmail.com for Parent Coaching.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink