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Selma Fraiberg wrote this classic on early childhood fifty years ago. My own thinking is based largely on her work, and I literally sleep with this on my bedside table for parenting comfort after a hard day with the kids. One of the problems with parenting advice today is that it’s a “one size fits all” approach that doesn’t take the child’s specific developmental stage — or temperament — into account. Fraiberg explained this in the juicy little quote I’ve included below. Here’s a sampler from the book’s preface:

If we understand the process of child development, we see that each developmental stage brings with it characteristic problems. The parents’ method of helping the child must take into account the child’s own development and his mental equipment at any given stage. This means that there is very little point in speaking categorically about “childhood anxieties” or “discipline problems in childhood”. The anxieties of the two year old are not the same as the anxieties of the five year old. Even if the same crocodile hides under the bed of one small boy between the ages of two and five, the crocodile of the two year old is not the same as the crocodile of the five year old — from the psychological point of view. He’s had a chance to grow with the boy and is a lot more complex after three years under the bed than he was the day he first moved in. Furthermore, what you do about the crocodile when the boy is two is not the same as what you do about him when the boy is five.“

From the classic “The Magic Years“, by Selma Fraiberg: page xvii.

Here at BabyShrink, I take Fraiberg a step farther. We look at problems with parenting babies, toddlers and preschoolers, and break the developmental stages down even more specifically. So the feeding problems of the 3-month-old are completely different than the feeding problems of the 9-month-old or of the two-year-old.

I don’t do any affiliate links in any way from this site, so believe it when I say the 10 bucks you spend on this gem at amazon (or wherever) will be worth way more than that in parenting clarity. Enjoy!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Dear Dr. Heather,

My baby won’t eat his baby food. His doctor says he’s ready, but he’s just not interested. He takes a couple of bites here and there, but would really rather drink his milk. I’m starting to panic since the other babies in his playgroup are trying all sorts of baby food and really progressing. Not my guy. The doctor says he’s healthy so I try not to worry, but do you have any suggestions?

Thanks, Carla

I’m going through the same thing that reader Carla asks about: A baby who is lukewarm, at best, about eating baby food. Carla’s son is 7 months old, and mine is 6 months. As parents, we’re genetically wired to FEED OUR CHILDREN. They must eat to grow, right? So, what if they won’t eat? Here are some tips for parents like me whose babies would rather play than eat:

Babies Vary Widely and Can Still Be Normal

We’re used to our babies marching along in lock-step with their baby peers on the magic developmental continuum. But this is where babies start to diverge. Some are huge eaters from the get-go (I had two of those), and some eat like little birdies (got two of those too). Think of adults (or even big kids): Some pack it away, others seem to subsist on air. When our first baby (a non-eater) dropped on her weight curve late in her first year, I started panicking. But her pediatrician pointed out that “some kids are slender. Be happy, she’s healthy.” He also pointed out that she still had enough cute baby chub to make baby dimples on her knees, despite her skinniness. She’s now a skinny (and healthy) 9-year-old who still barely eats, some days. But our second kid ate so much that first year that my life seemed to revolve around procuring, preparing, and providing food to him. As a 10-month-old, one of his meals (of which there were FIVE per day) consisted of: half a block (and I mean half of the whole pack) of tofu, half an avocado, one cup of cheerios, and 6 ounces of milk. Of course, as always, check your baby’s weight and eating habits out with your pediatrician.

It’s a Learning Curve (for Some)

For some (like my second), eating is EASY. They know what to do immediately and do it with vigor. For others, it’s a slow process that takes weeks (or months) of introductions, playing, experimentation, smearing, blowing raspberries (wonderful, trying to scrape solidified baby oatmeal off your jeans!) and basically NOT eating, before any food is consumed. Our first had this weird habit of sucking the “juice” out of any food, then spitting out the rest. This went on for months. She also really just preferred her milk. So although it’s tiring to prepare yet another meal that you suspect won’t be eaten, keep soldiering on, and don’t let it get to you. This is a learning process that will set the tone for other parenting issues later on. Just breathe deeply and try not to worry about it as you dump yet another uneaten meal down the drain!

When to Ask for Help

Luckily, well-baby checkups are frequent during the first year of life, so you’ll have ample opportunity to discuss any concerns with your pediatrician. If there’s a concern, you can be referred to your local “Feeding Team”, a group of clinicians who work with babies and these challenges at many children’s hospitals. They are awesome specialists who can help. Barring any medical concern, you can feel comfortable that a slow, steady, and patient approach will win the day. Remember: You can’t force your baby to eat, sleep, or poop. It’s a process of learning and support that helps guide their development — but a process that ultimately has to be driven by BABY, not eager parents like us.

Good luck, and happy eating (eventually).

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Poor reader Jenn wrote in to confess her guilt at giving a swat on the tush to her toddler, worried that she might have psychologically scarred the poor baby for life. I hope you know me well enough by now that of course I don’t condone spanking, and aggression turned on your child is always something to avoid.

But none of us here is perfect, right? I chuckled at this poignantly cute description of a situation we’ve all experienced — losing our tempers after a long day with a challenging toddler — as well as her daughter’s perfect illustration of how little ones learn to handle unusual situations:

Hi Dr. Heather -

Long time reader, etc…. I have two children, a 4-year-old boy and a 17-month-old daughter. Recently, it had been a long day and my kids had been getting on my last nerve. I had the two kids in the bath, and had gotten the older out and toweled off, and then asked the 17 month old to stand and step onto the mat. She thought about it, and started to do it, but refused. I asked her twice more, and she refused, sitting there staring at me. So I told her, “If you don’t get onto the bathmat, I’m going to give you a smack on your bum.” Of course, she just sat there looking at me like, “I’ve always wondered what that is.” So I stood up, gave her a smack on the bum (very symbolic, didn’t even redden the skin), and put her on the mat. She looked like she would cry for 5 seconds or so, but didn’t, and then went on with her night.

On it’s own, that’s pretty much a non-story. Although I do try to be more creative in my parenting than resorting to any kind of hitting, but I obviously wasn’t successful that day.

What I have a question about is that right after that, we were in my older’s room getting him dressed, and while I was busy with that, my youngest lined up all of my oldest’s stuffed animals, bum up, and was giving them bum smacks. OK. And she did this the next day. And the next. And at the library, when I got distracted by something, and turned to find all dozen of the library’s stuffed animals lined up for a bum smacking.

What have I done? Could this have been very traumatic? Any insight you have here would be helpful. I don’t know how you do it with (now) 4 kids – I only have the two, and just keeping my head above water takes up all my time.

Thanks – Jenn

Hi Jenn,

What a great question! I love your depiction of this very common toddler-esque behavior; mimicking behavior that seems emotionally “loaded”.

Now of course you haven’t traumatized her for life, from what you’ve told me. But she has realized that the smack is a powerful thing — and she’s probably picking up on your sense of conflict and guilt about it. (Amazing how they can sense those things in us, huh?) She’s doing what toddlers do — re-enacting confusing or “loaded” situations so that she can figure them out and put them in their place in her mind.

You can talk her through it, when you see her doing it. “Oh boy, seems the Mommy lost her temper and the babies got a smack. Are the babies crying now? Do they feel better now?” You can also add, “Bum smacks aren’t a good idea. In our house, we talk about our problems.” Try to remain “centered”, emotionally, when it comes up — no guilt or pressure, just curiosity and reassurance. And you can apologize for losing your temper, in a sincere but matter-of-fact way. You can also model toys “using their words” when they get upset, too.

Don’t forget, you’re not striving for parenting with perfection, you’re striving to be Good Enough. In fact, the research shows that only about a third of mother’s reactions to their babies are “attuned”. Another third eventually get “repaired” over time, and the rest never do. So the best that any normal baby can expect is about two-thirds of perfection from you at any given time! She’ll receive far more “talking-to” than bum smacks from you, so she’ll get by experience how to handle problems. And the lining up of toys for a good spanking should eventually slow down on it’s own.

Does that help?

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

Jenn wrote back to give me this update:

Dr. Heather,

I did have to have an emergency talk with her, when she escalated to giving us random smacks (like coming up behind me when I was working in the kitchen and giving me a very firm smack on the bum!). And it is hard to sound legitimate telling her that, “in our house, we don’t hit, we use our words” when her memory of getting a bum smack is so vivid. But I did apologize to her for giving a smack before, and explained that I was wrong, and that if we smack someone we need to say we are sorry. She seemed to absorb that (and it’s amazing what all they can actually understand when they can barely talk), and eventually agreed to say she was sorry to smacking us.

Of course, all of our stuffed animals are still living stomach down, but eventually that will pass, I’m sure, and it will just be one of those stories that I’ll remember for later.

Of course, you are welcome to use this for a BabyShrink post. I always like seeing what challenges other people are having, and I’m tickled that I’ll now be in that group.

Thanks! – Jenn

Thanks for the story, Jenn, and for reminding other readers that we can’t strive for perfection, just for Good Enough!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink