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Hi Dr. Heather,

Thanks, Linda

Hi Linda,

In general, daycare programs have some flexibility in terms of how they interpret the rules. Often, it depends on the Director, and how she chooses to implement them.

4 accidents in one day? Sounds like your little guy might have had a touch of the “runs”. Perhaps you could ask if they make any exceptions for illness. You can’t know in advance if your kid is going to get the “runs”!

The other issue is whether this is the right place for your son. What is your relationship like with the Director and teachers? Ideally, you would select a daycare center where you have a strong working relationship with all the staff, including the boss. Issues like this come up all the time in daycare. You want to feel comfortable that you and the staff can easily chat with each other when things arise. The fact that you were blindsided by a letter concerns me. Why wouldn’t she just stop you to mention her concerns at pickup time? Or at least give you a quick call? Would she write you a letter too if your son had gotten hurt during the day? You want to feel like the lines of communication are open. It makes me wonder if perhaps you might consider your options for other daycare.

Often, parents are told to check if a daycare center is licensed and accredited by an early childhood program, like the National Association for the Education of Young Children. While I agree that accreditation and licensing are important, it’s only the beginning. You must do your own investigation of the place before you decide what’s best for your child. Don’t just accept the first place that has an opening for you, or go on a center’s “reputation”. Much of your satisfaction in a daycare will have to do with the quality and personality of the specific caregivers and teachers. There’s simply no substitute for finding out about the people who will be spending hours a day with your baby.

Here’s a quick rundown of things to consider in deciding on a daycare for your young child:

What do the other parents say about the center? Are they satisfied? Are their children happy to go to the daycare?

What kind of staff turnover do they have? You want a place where the caregivers like their jobs, feel supported by the Director, and stay at the center for more than just a few months. And how long has the Director been on the job, as well?

Ask the Director how they handle issues such as the one mentioned by Linda. Will they call you or chat with you, or will you have to wait for an “official” letter? You want the lines of communication to be freely open. You want to get a daily verbal report on how your child’s day went, and any changes in the center.

Talk directly with the caregivers who will be responsible for your child. How long have they been at this center? Do they enjoy their work? What kinds of children do they consider challenging? What do they like most about their work? Let them know that you will be an involved parent who is willing to be a cooperative partner in caring for your child, and who also wants to know what’s going on at the Center on a daily basis.

Observe your child at play at the center. You know your child best. How does she respond to the caregivers and environment? If the center won’t allow parent observations….KEEP LOOKING.

If the staff don’t seem to have time for your questions, or convey the feeling that you should be grateful to be accepted into the program…KEEP LOOKING. I know it can be hectic finding daycare arrangements, and parents often feel they have no choice. Don’t ever accept that. I’m here to tell you that there are always options, if you’re willing to look around, ask questions, and be patient. The time you take to find the right daycare will be more than worth the hassle in the long run!

Many of us have “daycare horror stories”, and have learned the hard way how to find quality childcare. Can you give some other tips to Linda, and other parents out there who are struggling to find the right daycare?

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Dear Dr. Heather,

Mel

Hi Mel,

At 3 years of age, your son now has an awareness of his body. He also is sensitive to any changes in it, and worries whether the changes mean something is wrong. Children crave consistency, and when things are different — they can get upset and worried.

Your son is not alone. Most toddlers and preschool-aged boys show an interest in the sensations and changes happening in their penis. (I guess it’s an interest that starts in early childhood — and never goes away!) It’s a perfect opportunity to convey the overall message that:

Your body is a good thing;
The sensations your body produces are healthy and normal; and
It’s OK to touch and explore your body — in private, by yourself.

Talk to your son about his private parts. Use short, simple sentences, and don’t try to convey too much at once. “Yes, sometimes your penis gets big like that. Sometimes it is small. But we don’t take off our clothes in the living room. You can go look at it in your room, if you want.”

Make sure nobody is giving him a negative message about his body; check with sitters, grandparents and others to see if this has “come up” with them, and how they’ve handled it. You want to make sure he’s getting a consistent, positive message.

Of course girls show the same interest in their bodies; check out this post. It also describes the limits of “normal”, and when to worry.

It’s not too early to begin to send a healthy message to young children about their bodies. Aim for striking a balance; you don’t want to instill a sense of shame or negativity about the body. Yet you want them to internalize the sense that their bodies are private and should be respected. It will help them to eventually feel a sense of physical integrity and safety, and to set appropriate boundaries later on.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

First of all, I want to thank you all for hanging in there with me while I get the feed worked out for BabyShrink. Before I started this site, I thought “feed” was simply the activity in which I engaged, oh, 17 or 18 times a day. (My boys, especially, eat….a LOT.) But thanks to the Other Heather at OhMyStinkinHeck.com, it’s all good now! Heather, I really appreciate your responsiveness and expertise.

Second, some of you have noticed that my posting has been a little less frequent. After our trip, I intended to jump back in with lots of new stuff. But here’s what happened: A few nights ago, Baby TT was jumping around naked after his bath, as he is wont to do. He got into some kind of toddler freak-out about something, and Mr. Dr. BabyShrink noticed a strange little bulge in TT’s groin area. It only popped out when TT was screaming, then went back in.

We both knew it had to be a hernia. The pediatrician confirmed our suspicions, and he’s scheduled for surgery August 19 at Kapiolani, which is a children’s hospital in Honolulu.

Everyone is very reassuring about the procedure. “It’s the bread and butter of the pediatric surgeon. They do it all day, every day.”, “It’s not considered deeply invasive, and he’ll jump right back immediately.”, “It will be over before you know it.”, “You’re lucky it’s not something serious.”

Of course all of this makes sense to my logical mind. It truly is not a big deal, and we are so grateful for the good health of our three kids.

But my Mother’s Fears are going crazy. How can I surrender my BABY up to the the doctors and nurses who will strap him down, drug him, and cut him open? How can I hand him over to total strangers to fix something that doesn’t even bother him? What if…What if….What if….

To complicate matters, we have a family history of malignant hyperthermia, which apparently makes the anesthesia more complicated. It should be safe, since they know in advance about what drugs to avoid giving TT. But it still makes me damn nervous.

Lately I’ve gotten questions from many of you who have children with chronic health conditions. I’ve thought a lot about the impact of health issues on our relationships with our families, and on our parenting. And of course it’s easier to answer questions that OTHERS have. I’ll be posting some of those letters soon.

But first, I want to hear back from YOU: those of you who have gone through procedures like this with their children.

What was it like? What can I expect? How did you cope with the anxiety and fears? Were there any lasting impacts on your parenting? How did you explain to your little one what was about to happen? What about siblings; what did you say to them?

Thanks in advance for your ideas and support. You’ll be helping me — and a lot of other families out there who are going through the same process.