babyshrink.com

First of all, I want to thank you all for hanging in there with me while I get the feed worked out for BabyShrink. Before I started this site, I thought “feed” was simply the activity in which I engaged, oh, 17 or 18 times a day. (My boys, especially, eat….a LOT.) But thanks to the Other Heather at OhMyStinkinHeck.com, it’s all good now! Heather, I really appreciate your responsiveness and expertise.

Second, some of you have noticed that my posting has been a little less frequent. After our trip, I intended to jump back in with lots of new stuff. But here’s what happened: A few nights ago, Baby TT was jumping around naked after his bath, as he is wont to do. He got into some kind of toddler freak-out about something, and Mr. Dr. BabyShrink noticed a strange little bulge in TT’s groin area. It only popped out when TT was screaming, then went back in.

We both knew it had to be a hernia. The pediatrician confirmed our suspicions, and he’s scheduled for surgery August 19 at Kapiolani, which is a children’s hospital in Honolulu.

Everyone is very reassuring about the procedure. “It’s the bread and butter of the pediatric surgeon. They do it all day, every day.”, “It’s not considered deeply invasive, and he’ll jump right back immediately.”, “It will be over before you know it.”, “You’re lucky it’s not something serious.”

Of course all of this makes sense to my logical mind. It truly is not a big deal, and we are so grateful for the good health of our three kids.

But my Mother’s Fears are going crazy. How can I surrender my BABY up to the the doctors and nurses who will strap him down, drug him, and cut him open? How can I hand him over to total strangers to fix something that doesn’t even bother him? What if…What if….What if….

To complicate matters, we have a family history of malignant hyperthermia, which apparently makes the anesthesia more complicated. It should be safe, since they know in advance about what drugs to avoid giving TT. But it still makes me damn nervous.

Lately I’ve gotten questions from many of you who have children with chronic health conditions. I’ve thought a lot about the impact of health issues on our relationships with our families, and on our parenting. And of course it’s easier to answer questions that OTHERS have. I’ll be posting some of those letters soon.

But first, I want to hear back from YOU: those of you who have gone through procedures like this with their children.

What was it like? What can I expect? How did you cope with the anxiety and fears? Were there any lasting impacts on your parenting? How did you explain to your little one what was about to happen? What about siblings; what did you say to them?

Thanks in advance for your ideas and support. You’ll be helping me — and a lot of other families out there who are going through the same process.

Whew! We’ve made it back from our trip to California. Even though we’re still unpacking, I’m thrilled that the trip was so fantastic — our best yet. I’ve been thinking about what made it such a success, and here are some of the tidbits I thought I’d share:

EXPECTATIONS. Have very few. The greater your expectations, when traveling with young kids, the greater your disappointment. Case in point: On one of our Disneyland days, I literally went on NOT ONE SINGLE RIDE, and I’m a huge Disney fan. My goals for the day were far more basic: Make sure the snack situation was in order for hungry-at-any-moment kids. Scope out an air-conditioned store in advance to hang out with a napping 2-year-old in a stroller. Strategize with Hubby so as to avoid the parade crowds, and get the kids on the rides they most wanted to do. My reward: Everyone had a great day, despite the huge crowds.

PLAN FOR ADULT FUN. We worked very hard to juggle the schedules of family and friends in order to arrange a Vegas trip — without the kids. I don’t even gamble; I didn’t play ONE SINGLE GAME. (I’m starting to sound a bit boring, aren’t I?) But we got to have lovely sit-down meals with the best of friends, enjoy an amazing show, and sleep in two days in a row. All of this made the other struggles of the trip easy to manage, because I knew we had a fun reward coming up. (Here’s a photo for you DGM fans.)

MAKE TIME FOR THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE. We have close friends and lots of family in Cali. Simply arranging days to let the cousins and kid friends play together was one of the most rewarding aspects of the trip. Nothing fancy, just hanging out. Playing at the park, or in Grandma and Grandpa’s backyard. The time together is already building a foundation of closeness among the kids that’s priceless.

DON’T FREAK OUT ABOUT TRAVEL DAYS. Yes, traveling with kids is challenging. Yes, getting to the airport, dealing with TSA, snotty airline employees (and child-free passengers), delays, car seats and rental cars all add up be quite ridiculously impossible, at times. I know of which I speak: Last year, we were trapped in an airport for 11 (yes, eleven) hours with our kids, then ages 6, 4 and 1. The delay meant that we would have to do an unanticipated red-eye flight to the mainland; 5 1/2 hours, and we would arrive at our destination at 5am. And by then I was out of diapers, had one old bottle left, and no food. How did we handle it? I have no idea. I’ve blocked it, like any other traumatic experience!

Seriously, it’s a day (or two) of hell, and you just get through it. If you need help, start asking airport or airline employees. Many of them will play dumb, but others will be able to help; last year we had to ask 4 or 5 different workers for someone to help us get from one terminal to the other with 2 sleeping kids and 12 bags. Eventually, a guy came with one of those cool electric carts to whisk us to our gate. We’ve had all sorts of problems with airplane seating; being assigned a “1-4″ configuration with 3 little kids, and other inanities; we just start asking workers (and even other passengers) for advice and help, and eventually, things are usually worked out. DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP. BE NICE AND APOLOGETIC TO FELLOW TRAVELERS, who often take pity and can make things easier. Look for little, unexpected moments of relief: the computer terminals now available in many airports offer endless interest to toddlers, even if they never get to navigate off the “pay now” page. Get some ice, a couple of cups, and let the little ones at it; I have no idea why, but they seem to LOVE ice in paper cups. Find an uncrowded area away from the action, and let the kids go crazy. Run races, play tag, change stinky diapers…make yourself at home. And when you finally get to your destination, it’s a day of recovery, and then you’re off and enjoying your vacation!

Lots of you ask whether it’s worth the hassle to travel with young kids. I say GO FOR IT, as long as you manage your expectations, plan for some adult fun, pace yourself on travel days, and stay light on your feet in response to the kids’ needs. And don’t forget to take lots of photos and videos; in addition to being awesome reminders of these precious days with the little ones, you can keep the kids entertained all the way back home by reviewing them (over, and over, and over….)

Do you have other tips for making traveling with little kids more manageable? Do tell!

When a new baby joins the family, it’s normal for the couple to go through a re-organization of roles. A common struggle has to do with power and control. Who makes the decisions? About what? Who has “final” say about parenting? This often crops up in arguments about seemingly petty things; but they don’t FEEL petty while we’re in the midst of the struggle. I can’t tell you how many times I argued with BabyShrink’s Hubby about how often the stupid Diaper Genie needed to be changed. See reader Amy’s question below for a similar struggle.

Dear Dr. Heather,

My husband and I are disagreeing over what color to paint our impending child’s room.

In a nutshell, this is the disagreement: I want to paint the room pale green; my husband wants to paint it orange. Yes, orange. I told my husband that orange is too vibrant for a baby’s bedroom, that orange is a color that will stimulate the mind - possibly too much. The last thing I want is (another) child who won’t sleep, and if there’s a chance orange will enable or worsen daytime sleep problems, I do not want orange. He says it would be a light orange - but not peach - and that I’m crazy.

Thank you in advance for any help you can offer.

Sincerely,

Amy, www.thetextureofthings.com

Hi Amy,

It is possible your baby MAY have some preference or reaction to a paint color, but not likely until she can look around and focus her eyes, and then only if she has a sensory issue. You won’t know until you learn about your new baby’s temperament.

But what I think is even more important (and probably the underlying issue?) is the question of Who Makes the Decisions About This Baby? Mom or Dad? Perhaps your hubby is simply looking for a way to feel he is contributing to the decisions being made about the baby. Many Dads feel pushed to the side; like they are “chopped liver” in the parenting department. Taking A Stand on a little issue like paint color might be the way he is asserting his parental authority; saying he cares about what happens when the baby arrives, and wants to be involved.

Dads often feel helpless and useless with a new baby. I remember a friend of ours, a tough guy named Zak. True story: Zak was “all guy”, from old-school Boston. When he and his wife had their first baby, we asked him how it was going. “My wife does everything….feeds the baby, changes him, bathes him…all he wants is her. I want to help so badly, but it seems like there’s nothing I can do. Last night I felt so frustrated I just went and sat in my truck and cried.” We still have a good chuckle over the image of poor tough-guy Zak, crying in his truck.

But the message is poignant: Dads want to contribute…need to contribute…can contribute, in very meaningful ways.

Now I know that sometimes, their efforts can be…well, let’s say, a little misguided. (I mean, seriously, orange?! I feel your pain!) But maybe this is an opportunity to make sure Dad has his say, and is made to feel like a partner in making important parenting decisions about this baby. It’s an issue that will crop up over and over again while your baby grows through different developmental stages…a dance you and your hubby will continue to do together.

But the bottom line is, your baby will benefit from Dad’s full participation, even if her room is day-glo orange.

Good luck, and happy painting!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink