Archive for the ‘Fears’ Category:
A Toddler’s Strange New Fear, and What To Do About It
I’ve gotten a lot of traffic lately on Strange and Sudden Toddler Fears. I’ve written on this before (and included a link at the end of this post), but this is such a common question that I’ve decided to answer it’s latest incarnation, hopefully with some additional insights. Here goes:
Dear Dr. Heather,
Just in the past week, my 2.5 year old has developed a fear of “going byebye”, getting in the car, sitting in the car while getting gas, going outside in the snow. She screams and does what sounds like hyperventilating, but she isn’t. Her dad just went on a trip for a week and it seemed to worsen then. She used to love the snow and going for car rides. Now all of a sudden she’s hysterical. I don’t know if maybe she feels out of control with daddy being gone. She absolutely thrives on routine. Maybe she felt safer just staying home. She was a little “weirded-out” when my husband first came home and she wanted me to hold her, but she warmed up quickly. Any tips you have would be wonderful. Thank you.
Jacki
Hi Jacki,
Toddlers often develop these quirky preferences and fears, seemingly all of a sudden. Partly it has to do with their growing awareness that scary things CAN happen; parents go away, kids get hurt, things get broken or spill, etc. Yet they cannot yet totally compute how to PREVENT those things from happening. It also has to do with their OWN aggressiveness — they see how they get mad and run away from a person or situation when they are mad, or lash out and hit etc, and worry that OTHERS will do the same thing (even if those others have never been aggressive at all). It’s a completely different mindset than that of an adult (or even a bigger kid).
I would let her regress back a bit for awhile until she gets re-acclimated to her Dad’s departure and return. Be extra reassuring, and stay home more when it’s possible. Go out gingerly and on a limited basis, if you can, until she gets back into the swing of it. GIVE HER BACK SOME OF THE CONTROL. Allow her to make choices about going out, if you can. See if there IS anyplace she would like to go — to the park? Grandma’s? Out for ice cream? And then go there. Little by little, try to sneak in additional outings, and let her know in advance of your plans. You won’t always be able to do it her way, and talk her through that. I know you don’t want to go to the store today, but we need more groceries. Do you want to go to the store AND to McDonald’s today, or just to the store? Giving her some choices will help her feel better. Then, as she grows more comfortable again, cut back on the rewards and incentives. You don’t want her to be in the “driver’s seat” forever, just until she gets comfortable again.
Try that and let us know how it goes!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
And here’s another popular post on toddler fears (this one is about Bathtub Fears).
JACKI’S UPDATE:
Dear Dr. Heather,
Thank you so much for your help! I tried your suggestions. She got very upset at first, but I talked her thru it and gave her time to adjust. We stopped at McDonalds on the way. She did fine thru the drive-thru. She seemed better doing something familiar. She may be on her way back to herself. I won’t press it too much. She seems much more settled when I reassure her that daddy is coming home at night. I think I panicked because this went on for a week, and a week can seem like forever! Now she at least talks about going outside w/o panicking. I am glad to know that someone like you is available for these times. I appreciate it.
Jacki
~~My pleasure, Jacki! Glad to Help!
How to Talk to Kids: A Great Book
Our 6-year-old is in the throes of a really anxious phase. He often needs to be reassured about where we are, even if we’re all just in the house. He’s afraid to go to sleep at night. And he’s terrified of “ET”, a classic we allowed the babysitter to show the kids one night. You’d think my shrink-training would help in these situations, but often it doesn’t. You know how it goes: When it comes to your own kids, rational knowledge goes out the window.
Intellectually, I remind myself that 6-year-olds aren’t rational creatures yet. They can’t hang on to the logical reassurances we give them. They haven’t reached the stage where logic “sticks” in their minds. In many ways, they’re still like preschoolers; apt to live in the “magical world” of fantasy, imagination, and fears.
But when he’s scared out of his wits, part of me wants to scream, “Snap out of it! We’re not leaving you, we never have, and we never will! Enough, already, and go to sleep!”
So I’m calling in reinforcements. I’ve pulled an awesome book off my shelf and am reminded why I think this is one of the world’s best parenting guides. If you haven’t seen it, go spend 10 bucks on Amazon for the paperback version, or check it out of your library. You’ll refer to it again and again (and I promise, I get no “cut” from promoting anything here). It’s called “Between Parent and Child”, by Dr. Haim Ginott. It was first published a million years ago, but it couldn’t be more appropriate today. His sensitivity and approach to dealing with children simply can’t be matched. Reading Ginott again has lifted a weight from my shoulders and reminded me that all will be well with our son, soon enough. It’s also given me lots of good ideas for how to approach this phase-specific anxiety he’s going through.
I hope you enjoy it!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Tips for a Toddler Tinkling (and Screaming) in the Bath
Hi Dr. Heather,
My husband and I are hoping you can shed some light on a concern we have for our son who is 27 months old.
Over the last month during bath time, my son has peed in the bath 3 separate times, and without fail he would then ‘hold himself’ while crying/screaming hysterically! This has continued during every bath time where he is screaming like we have never seen. He doesn’t necessarily pee every time, but since the first occasion… then a second, and a third… his screaming has continued.
Even when he doesn’t pee in the tub, he still holds himself and is screaming almost like he doesn’t like the water hitting his ‘manhood’? We have tried new toys and bubbles; to all of which have not work or helped. We even tried to have him try to go potty before the bath but doesn’t go.
I must say also, that he is not potty trained yet but we are working on it.
We are not sure why he’s continually freaking out with or without the pee.
If you could please help and how we can overcome it we would be extremely grateful.
Regards,
Atlanta Mom
Hi Atlanta Mom,
Sudden fears of the bath at this age are quite common. One of my most-Googled posts has to do with sudden bath fears; I’ll post the link below.
In regards to his “manhood”, perhaps he’s upset that he couldn’t control it; on some level he’s starting to get the idea that “pee-pee does not belong in the tub”, yet he was unable to control himself those few times. So he’s really upset with himself and in conflict about the whole bath/potty training thing. (And of course I assume his penis doesn’t bother him any other time — like there’s not a urinary tract infection or something — also, some kinds of soap and bubble bath can be irritating. I assume that’s not it, but check it out.)
Talk to him about potty training, where pee-pee belongs, and how he accidentally peed in the tub; use a matter-of fact tone, with no scolding or worry in your voice. See if you can make it like a silly joke, so he doesn’t feel so bad. “Does pee pee belong in the tub? NO, silly! But that’s OK! We’ll keep trying and one day for sure you’ll get it!”
In the meantime, try some of the tips in my post linked below for bathtime fears, including letting him stand by the bath and playing with the water, until he feels comfortable getting back in the tub. Keep reassuring him, and go at his pace. Hang in there, I promise this will pass!
Here’s my Bathtime Fears Post:
http://babyshrink.com/2008/08/help-my-toddler-suddenly-hates-the-bath.html
Good luck and keep usposted!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
