Archive for the ‘Fears’ Category:
Help — My Toddler Suddenly Hates the Bath!
Today, my sister in North Carolina called. I could barely hear her, with her 12-month-old screaming in the background. “We’re trying to give her a bath, like usual. But all of a sudden, she HATES it. What happened?” She remembered me telling her about one of our kids at that age. “It’s as if there’s an electrical current in the water,” I had said. “Just putting his foot into it makes him shriek with terror and pain, and he pulls his foot up high, away from the water, until I take him out of the bathroom.”
Actually, we went through it will ALL of our kids. Each of them previously had loved their bath. Suddenly, it was Bathing Terror.
There must be a weird moon in the Baby Bath Constellation, because I’ve gotten this question quite a lot recently. BabyShrink reader Erik is a stay-at-home Dad to this little 16-month-old cutie, who previously enjoyed her bath.
“All of a sudden,” he writes,”she seems to panic when we get her in the tub. We have measuring cups, bubbles, and all sorts of distractions. We’ve even tried to join her in the tub, but this seems to panic her even more.” Erik googled the problem, and found that, often, there is some traumatic experience before the panic starts (such as slipping and falling in the tub, or otherwise being frightened in the bath). But Erik assures me this has not occurred. So what can he do?
Sudden Bath Fears Are Common
There are major cognitive changes that take place, along with the development of walking. All of a sudden, your toddler can purposely move — away from you, and known safety, into strange and new situations. Discovery of a new thing leads to excitement — and then fear. This stage is characterized by the back-and-forth of moving out into the environment — just until it gets a little scary — and moving back to be with Dad or Mom to get “refueled” for future discovery. As my Parenting Guru Dr. Brazelton says, there is an upsurge in fears at this point, starting at about 12-18 months. The bath is a common fear. Think about it: your baby is just getting used to walking, and in the process, her sense of equilibrium and body control get messed up for awhile. She’s not quite sure what her body can — and can’t — handle.
Your Toddler’s Perspective on Bath Time
The bath is slippery. She thinks, “I can get soap in my eyes. I can bonk my little head on the side, or on the faucet. If I have a scrape or a cut, it hurts in the bath, and I can’t always figure out why, or how to tell Dad about it. Then there’s this weird wall between me and the outside, and I’m not allowed to just jump in and out if I get nervous. And when the water gets sucked down into the drain, I wonder, will I fit down that thing? Am I going to get sucked down there too?” She’s still figuring out cause and effect, and she’s not quite sure how that drain thing works. But it’s powerful, it makes noise, and it sucks all the water into it.
So Do I Have to Let Her Be Stinky Until the Next Developmental Phase Kicks In?
No. Well, maybe just a little. Pediatricians say that we Americans bathe our babies way too much anyway; it’s not necessarily good for young skin. So you can back off the nightly baths. Don’t feel temped to FORCE the issue; I promise, it will only make things worse. But of course, smashed banana needs to be cleaned out of hair, and dirt needs to be dislodged from various nooks and crannies. And I wouldn’t suggest giving in to the bathing fears, simply being a little more flexible about it than usual. Here are a few other suggestions:
Know that this IS a phase.
It’s not permanent. This is a temporary blip in your bathing routine. Eventually, your toddler will regain confidence and enjoyment in the bath.
For Now, Rely on the Kitchen Sink
At this age, they need to be wiped down after every meal and snack anyway, right? So keep a bottle of her bath soap in the kitchen and strip her down at the sink after meals. Clear the sink area of unsafe stuff. Then let her splash away — with you holding her firmly, of course — and wipe her down as you play with her there. And most kids still love to play with the hose or the kiddie pool, despite bath fears. So sneak in a little cleaning while she’s splashing around in the yard.
Keep Trying, But Don’t Force It, If You Can Avoid It
Every few days, make a big deal out of preparing a really fun bath. Use bubbles, add new toys, and be silly. Allow your toddler to play in the water from the outside of the tub, but don’t make her get in. Talk about what fun she will have, when she decides to get back in. You want her to have a good experience — at her pace — with the bath. Let her “help” you with bathing a sibling — sitting with you, outside the tub. Let her get in — and get out again — if she’s even slightly interested. Or let her walk away — it’s her choice, at this point. Make a big deal out of letting HER decide about the bath.
What If I Forced It Already?
Don’t feel guilty. Listen, when TT was going through this phase, he woke up one night, puking. There was no way around it — he had to have a bath. So I explained to my very miserable little guy that we had to have a bath, and I knew he was not going to like it, but that I would make it very, very fast. He screamed bloody murder the whole time. But he eventually got over his bathing fear in about the same amount of time as his older brother and sister did (about 3-4 months). The main thing is to convey your empathy about the situation. “I know you’re afraid of the bath, and I’m willing to do whatever I can to help you through this time. I know that one day you’ll like it again, but for now, we’ll take it at your pace.”
Erik: Let us know what happens. Readers: Got any other suggestions to add?
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Haircutting Fears
Hi Dr. Heather,
ages of 1 and 2, my barber cut his hair for free. He was fine at first, but
then I think the clippers pulled him once, and he has not forgotten. We tried a
children’s barber a couple of times, but, whether she used scissors or
clippers, the toys and movies and lollipops did little to quell his fears. Now,
my wife cuts his hair with clippers, and he seems to dread it. He screams even
when nothing is touching his head. It takes the two of us to hold him down and
it’s a draining experience for all involved (but at least we’re not paying for
it!). Any suggestions?
Tom
You have a great question. Your little guy feels he has no choice about the haircutting,
following what sounds like a scare for him. Kids at this age let their
imaginations get the best of them, and they DO fear what those clippers (or
scissors) can do to them.
They are
actually wrestling with their OWN feelings of aggression, so fears of
monsters, clippers, dogs, and stuff like that are common at this age.
As they struggle with their fear of losing
control and actually hurting someone (or breaking something), they become afraid someone or
something will hurt THEM.
It’s important to give some control back to your little man
in a situation like this; otherwise, you’re setting him up to fight you as his
only response to trying new (and possibly scary) things.
Here are some things to try:
- Talk to him about what happened. "I know you got scared that time. The clippers pulled your hair and you thought it would hurt. I know it makes a weird noise. Tell me what you remember about that time? Why did it scare you?" Find out the specifics of what it’s like in his mind about the clippers. Listen carefully to all the details.
- Tell him you promise not to force him to have a haircut, ever again. "I know that time we had to hold you down, but you’re a big boy now, big enough to sit still, at least for a super-short mini-haircut. I’m sorry we did that, we’re going to try it a different way from now on." If you take all the control away from him, he’s just going to try to hold on to some form of power by resisting even more.
- Try to make some accommodations for him, based on what you found out. "The clippers scared you because they pulled on you by accident (or whatever he says happened). Do you want to see how it works on Daddy? Do you want to try to hold it for a second when it’s on? I promise, today is NOT a haircut day for you. No haircut for you, we’re just looking at the clippers today."
- Ask him what would help him handle the clippers. "OK, we understand it’s scary for you. We can have fewer haircuts, for awhile. Maybe next time, we try to clip your hair for just a few seconds. (turn on the clippers for like 10 seconds to let him see how long that is.) See? Can we cut your hair next time for just this long? Not the whole haircut, just the sides (or back, or whatever). Not today, just next Tuesday, when Daddy gets his haircut too. Mommy can cut my hair first, so you can see how it works."
assuage his fears, but it might take some time. Fears like this are common, but working with your kid is very likely to
help come to some more positive outcome.
He’ll start to feel that he’s part of the process, and that you are
going to work together, with him, to come to a solution.
This will add to a great foundation of
working together to solve fears and problems over the years! Instead of "Mom and Dad force me to do
stuff that’s really scary," It’ll
be, "Mom and Dad help me to figure out new ways to do scary things, and realize
they’re not so scary after all".
Dr. Heather, the BabyShrink
