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One of the central themes of my parenting approach is to go for “Good Enough”. Forget about perfection in parenting; it’s all about pragmatics. Balancing YOUR needs with the needs of your kids. Filtering out the pressure we get from the media to have perfectly sculpted kids from the beginning; babies who have been delivered without the benefit of modern medicine and by following a perfect “Birth Plan”, babies who have been breastfed as long as possible and fed the most perfectly organic diet, who have attained all of their developmental milestones early, attended the “best” preschools and “enrichment” programs, and go on to become the most perfect human beings.

This “Perfect Parenting Propaganda” has contributed to an enormous amount of pressure on parents, which is, as I have discussed here on BabyShrink, responsible for (at best) unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our kids, and (at worst) postpartum depression and other psychological fallout. I have advocated the “Good Enough” parenting approach with the intention of reassuring parents that there is, in fact, good research to support this approach. Being a Good Enough parent also allows us some room in our schedules and our lives; room to enjoy our kids, partners and families in a more relaxed and spontaneous way. And being “Good Enough” does NOT mean having a half-assed parenting approach. It does NOT mean you don’t care about your kids. In fact, it means that you understand that children need SPACE and TIME and OPTIONS in order to maximize their development; they need time to EXPLORE, and yes, even to FAIL. Striving for perfection, one of the driving motivators of the over-parenting tendency, is actually BAD FOR YOUR CHILD’S DEVELOPMENT. It gives them the message that they are not capable of managing their time and experiences. It does not allow them the time or opportunity to learn how to solve problems creatively. And it takes away from their ability to experience the independence that we had as kids (and lived to tell about it).

So it was with great excitement that I read the cover article in last week’s Time magazine. Nancy Gibbs puts forth a case against “Over-Parenting”, and her article gives lots more details that I can currently muster. (Hey, people, I’ve got a 6-week-old new baby who has decided that sleep is NOT FOR HER — or me!) The fact that I’ve got a few minutes here to expound on this topic should tell you how important I think it is! So here’s the link. Enjoy and discuss!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Here are a few of my articles on the “Good Enough” parenting approach:

The Good Enough Mother: Are Breasts Required?

More on the Pros and Cons of Attachment Parenting

and, Will My Baby Ever Sleep Through the Night? (A post I need to re-read!!)

Here’s our new baby girl, 7 lbs, 13 ounces, 5 days old:

After feeling lousy all day, it finally occurred to me that — duh — it might be labor. It was then that I decided to head down to our local Safeway, which inexplicably has the only supply of H1N1 vaccines on the island, to get my shot. After that, the contractions started. The whole thing from that point on was very fast, and we were only at the hospital for 3 hours when she was born — gratefully, without complications, and VERY easily. (And YES I had a form of an epidural, called an intrathecal, which worked wonders for me.)

The hospital was jammed with laboring mothers and newborn babies, so we got out of there early to recover at home. I am so fortunate to have a lot of helping grandparents at home, and so far the kids are adjusting nicely. But as with her older sibs, this baby is NOT much of a sleeper, so expect a meltdown from me in a couple of weeks when the sleep deprivation really starts to add up!

Thanks all for your good wishes and support. More soon!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

So I’m still huge, and not yet in labor. Luckily the doctor has caved and agreed to schedule an induction for 10/19, if I haven’t delivered by then. But in the meantime I’m looking for anything to take my mind off the discomforts and anxieties of imminent labor. Reader Lisa made my day with this email:

Dear Dr. Heather,

I was googling the meaning of the term “mainstream parenting” and ran across your site. I read a lot of articles on BabyShrink, including one by the name of:

The “Good-Enough Mother”: Are Breasts Required?

This particular article made me feel choked up and teary-eyed as the mother of three boys. I experienced so close to the original poster’s experience, that it was emotional for me to read about. My second son ended up in the hospital with failure to thrive because I did not know I had under-developed breasts, and the pressure to breastfeed was tremendous. It was as though if I didn’t breastfeed I was not a good mother — end of story.

Now don’t get me wrong – I think breastfeeding is the most natural and wonderful way to care for a child that there could possibly be, but I have struggled against huge odds to get people to understand that there are those of us out here who simply CANNOT breastfeed… it’s not that we chose this option.

I have since had my third son two months ago and planned right off not to fully breastfeed and just give him whatever little bit I could make, and the rest of his meals would be formula. This was the best choice I could have made. Taking the pressure off myself allowed me to make a little bit more milk, and I have totally enjoyed the breastfeeding this time around without feeling like it was forced upon me. (When I say a little.. I mean that I made about 1/3-1/2 oz of milk between both breasts, which increased to 1/2-1 full oz now.)

My close friends and I have always felt that there is no completely right way to do this job of mothering. It’s very dependent on the individual child and his or her needs as a person. Reading your site only backed us up on what we believe and I shared it with my closest friend tonight. I have nothing against the AP crowd except that there are those extremists that ruin it’s reputation. The ridicule and nastiness they can dish out is in a whole category by itself. I’m just grateful that there are those out there with credentials like you who see that there is good in several parenting approaches, and your philosophies closely resemble my own.

So this is basically a kudos to you, Dr. Heather.

—- Lisa
Utah Mother of 3

Here’s my response to Lisa:

Hi Lisa,

There are so many moms like you out there who feel this way.

I keep reminding myself that the WHOLE process of pregnancy, labor, delivery, and indeed parenting itself is an ongoing process. Trying to decide what is best for you, your child, and your family, from day to day, is what it’s all about — not following some kind of idealistic dogma about what is “best”. In that way, we model to our children that we create solutions that are best for all of us — not just based on something that someone else said was supposedly correct for everyone. We can (and should be) flexible, for the good of the kids and our families.

I am so glad you are having a nice experience this time around and trusting yourself. Enjoy and thanks again!!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink