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Every week, I buy groceries at our grungy, local health-food store. My daughter affectionately dubbed it “The Stinky Market” — partly because of that characteristic “health-food store” smell, but also because of the bodily odors emanating from some of the motley group of customers frequenting the place — a weird combination of surfers, hippies, homeless people, backpacking travelers, and “Euro-Trash”. — Oh, and the occasional yuppie mom like me. (Except I hope I’m not one of the stinky types. In all honestly there aren’t TOO many stinky customers, but the one or two in there at any given time are certainly enough.)

During each visit, I see at least 4 or 5 “Baby-Wearing” mamas in the store. These dedicated parents take their childrearing (and food shopping) very seriously, braving the narrow aisles with groceries piled precariously high atop rickety shelves, all the while with an infant (or toddler, or preschooler) attached to their bodies. These are the Attachment Parenting advocates living at a major heart of the AP movement. These are dedicated baby-wearers, extended-breastfeeders, family-bedders, and gentle-discipliners. And because I live in a nexus of strident AP, we have more than our fair share of AP fundamentalists. And in fact the Stinky Market is the very place where I’ve gotten an uninvited comment (and plenty “Stink-Eye”) about using strollers.

But this week, I was feeling quite contrite about my last AP post — not because I have changed my opinion (I haven’t). But I realized that the AP parents are really coming from the same place that motivates me in my parenting approach — we just get to somewhat different places with it. And I also feel really bad about offending some of you out there whom I consider to be readers, supporters, and friends….those of you who practice AP, and don’t deserve the uninvited criticism from me. To any of you I offended — you know who you are — I offer my sincere apology.

But because it was on my mind so much, I went back to developmental theory, to remind myself exactly WHY I disagree with some of what AP espouses. This is the quick version:

Infant Development: A (Very) Quick Primer
The infant starts out in life as a completely dependent being. She relies on her parents (usually the mother) for such fundamental things as nutrition and the regulation of bodily processes. In many ways, the infant is born “unfinished”, being delivered at 40 weeks’ gestation not because she’s really ready to be born, but because the human mother is not physically capable of delivering a larger infant. She needs to be “attached” to her mother to fulfill these needs. This attachment allows successful development into later phases of growth.

Over time, the infant becomes capable of voluntary movement. She starts to control her body in ways SHE wants to; it’s no longer up to her own random or reflexive movements. And with this voluntary movement comes the spark of the ability to be mobile, and to communicate.

Movement away from the parent requires a means of communicating over distance with that parent: When you crawl across the room, it’s nice to be able to say “Doggie!” and to point at the doggie, to get your parents’ attention. Communication becomes more necessary when the child can move away from the parent. And communication is a symbolic way of continuing attachment. We can tell older babies I love you! And their ability to understand abstract communication helps them to feel the love, without being physically held. It’s not that physical comfort is no longer necessary, but rather, the baby now has a new, more advanced way to be attached; through communication. And that allows the baby to become more independent, and venture out, away from the parent.

And moving away from the parent is really the point of development, isn’t it? It’s called independence. This isn’t dictated by some non-AP theory, it’s simply accepted developmental fact. Remember reading about Margaret Mahler in your Intro Psych class? She was the acknowledged queen researcher of infant development. She observed infants all over the world moving through phases of complete dependence in early infancy, through the phases of Separation-Individuation later in toddlerhood. This phase is topped off by the challenging, difficult phase of Rapprochement, in which the infant is conflicted about independence. She varies between clingy attachment, and boldly venturing out on her own. Many of the questions I get here at BabyShrink have to do with the fundamental conflicts inherent during the Rapprochement phase.

Of course this does not mean that our 2-year-olds are completely independent; we shouldn’t be expecting them to bring home a paycheck any time soon. But it does point out the slow modification that our parenting approach needs to make over time; the understanding that the increased ability of the infant to handle (and explore) independence requires us to give them room to do so. The infant starts out needing complete “attachment” to the parents, and gradually needs less and less attachment over time in order to develop independence.

How is this different from Attachment Parenting? Yeah, I know that AP understands and appreciates the nature of “attachment” — they used it in the name of the approach, after all. And I’m totally with them on the use of AP principles, but only with very young infants, and only when that infant is constitutionally amenable to the intense physical contact of AP. As I said in my previous post, AP comments very little on those infants who simply do better with a little time and space on their own; a little less handling — and little “breaks” from being “attached” all the time. Many of my readers have babies whose sensory systems simply could not handle all that attachment, and are so much happier with a little “breathing room”. And as infants become toddlers, they crave less and less dependence — and more and more independence. And we, as parents, need to walk that tightrope of “Rapprochement” with them.

So I guess this is my lengthy reply to all of you who commented and emailed on my last AP post — and also my apology, to any of those I unintentionally offended. I hope this post shows that I agree wholeheartedly with the intended goals of AP — we just vary in our approach.

Here at BabyShrink, I get emailed questions from all over the world. Many of these make it onto the site; questions about potty training, TV-watching, and poop-smearing (which is my most-read post, if you can believe it!)

But there are other questions; questions too pained and personal to be published. Questions from mothers desperate about the difficulty of having a new baby. Questions from grandmothers, worried about the dark circles under their daughter’s eyes. Questions from husbands, worried that their wives (and marriages) might never be the same after the birth of their baby.

In our Lamaze class, we met several couples. You know how it is; you can’t help bonding with other couples going through the same trial-by-fire. You stay in touch with some of them. Others fade away, but you always recognize each other, say “hi” at the grocery store, and ask about their child, who is the same age as yours.

There was one couple we met and really liked. But they never seemed to follow through on suggestions of get-togethers. When we ran into them, they seemed fine. But they weren’t.

Quite by accident, I found out that the Mom had suffered a terrible, crushing postpartum depression after the birth of their baby. They never came to us — knowing we were both psychologists — and suffered alone.

I was stunned to have been so clueless about the pain they went through. Luckily, they eventually got help, and all is well now. But I never forgot about the terrible shame and hopelessness that must have driven them into silence.

I know there are many more of you out there, similarly suffering in silence. I hope that this, my first BabyShrink podcast, can help.

There are many people to thank in the launching of this podcast. Ilima Loomis, who helped me see that a podcast was the perfect vehicle for communicating with new mothers, who are alone and up with the baby at night. Heather Sanders, for my tech-support and visual flair extraordinaire, Glenn Sakamoto, my most tireless and knowledgeable supporter and designer, Danny Evans, who made BabyShrink happen, and his lovely Hot Wife, my BFF and straight-shooting reviewer. I also want to thank the women and families who have opened up the most frightening and painful chapters of their lives to me, to help me understand how best to help others.

I’m also collecting stories of recovery. If you’ve suffered from PPD and come through to the other side, please post a comment here to encourage others to get help….and send the message that you CAN feel better.

Note: This is a 16-minute podcast. It downloads to your player OR your computer in less than one minute, with a broadband connection.

[Click to Download Podcast Here]

When a new baby joins the family, it’s normal for the couple to go through a re-organization of roles. A common struggle has to do with power and control. Who makes the decisions? About what? Who has “final” say about parenting? This often crops up in arguments about seemingly petty things; but they don’t FEEL petty while we’re in the midst of the struggle. I can’t tell you how many times I argued with BabyShrink’s Hubby about how often the stupid Diaper Genie needed to be changed. See reader Amy’s question below for a similar struggle.

Dear Dr. Heather,

My husband and I are disagreeing over what color to paint our impending child’s room.

In a nutshell, this is the disagreement: I want to paint the room pale green; my husband wants to paint it orange. Yes, orange. I told my husband that orange is too vibrant for a baby’s bedroom, that orange is a color that will stimulate the mind - possibly too much. The last thing I want is (another) child who won’t sleep, and if there’s a chance orange will enable or worsen daytime sleep problems, I do not want orange. He says it would be a light orange - but not peach - and that I’m crazy.

Thank you in advance for any help you can offer.

Sincerely,

Amy, www.thetextureofthings.com

Hi Amy,

It is possible your baby MAY have some preference or reaction to a paint color, but not likely until she can look around and focus her eyes, and then only if she has a sensory issue. You won’t know until you learn about your new baby’s temperament.

But what I think is even more important (and probably the underlying issue?) is the question of Who Makes the Decisions About This Baby? Mom or Dad? Perhaps your hubby is simply looking for a way to feel he is contributing to the decisions being made about the baby. Many Dads feel pushed to the side; like they are “chopped liver” in the parenting department. Taking A Stand on a little issue like paint color might be the way he is asserting his parental authority; saying he cares about what happens when the baby arrives, and wants to be involved.

Dads often feel helpless and useless with a new baby. I remember a friend of ours, a tough guy named Zak. True story: Zak was “all guy”, from old-school Boston. When he and his wife had their first baby, we asked him how it was going. “My wife does everything….feeds the baby, changes him, bathes him…all he wants is her. I want to help so badly, but it seems like there’s nothing I can do. Last night I felt so frustrated I just went and sat in my truck and cried.” We still have a good chuckle over the image of poor tough-guy Zak, crying in his truck.

But the message is poignant: Dads want to contribute…need to contribute…can contribute, in very meaningful ways.

Now I know that sometimes, their efforts can be…well, let’s say, a little misguided. (I mean, seriously, orange?! I feel your pain!) But maybe this is an opportunity to make sure Dad has his say, and is made to feel like a partner in making important parenting decisions about this baby. It’s an issue that will crop up over and over again while your baby grows through different developmental stages…a dance you and your hubby will continue to do together.

But the bottom line is, your baby will benefit from Dad’s full participation, even if her room is day-glo orange.

Good luck, and happy painting!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink