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Dear BabyShrink,

I’m having trouble figuring out when to put my two-month-old daughter down, and when to pick her up and play with her. I’ve heard many ways of encouraging her development, but I feel guilty when I place her in her chair to get things done. She sleeps well at night, but I often spend a lot of time holding her and rocking her to sleep in the daytime. When I put her down in her bassinet she frequently wakes up crying, so I end up holding her while she naps. A big part of my problem is that I really don’t want to be like my mom, who I feel was pretty neglectful.  Sometimes when I put her down, I feel like I’m being like my mom. So, my question is, how much do I need to play and interact with my baby? How much is it okay to sit and let her play by herself?

Katie J.

Dear Katie J.,

Good questions: Is it OK to let a happy, alert baby sit alone in her baby seat while you get something done? And if so, how much, before there is “neglect” and developmental damage?

Trying to Improve our Parenting with Every Generation
You say you want to change the pattern in your family of origin; and you want to pay more attention to your baby than what you experienced. Let me say this: The fact that you are conscious and aware of the issue tells me you are already most of the way there. It’s hard (but critically important) to be aware of the psychological baggage we bring to our parenting. If we’re not aware, we’re likely to do one of two things: Repeat the same negative patterns as the generations before us, OR overreact in the opposite direction in an attempt to “correct” the wrongs of our parents. So if you were neglected as a baby, you might find yourself either automatically leaving the baby alone too much…or being a “helicopter parent”; hovering every second, not allowing the baby any room to be alone. Conscious awareness of our ingrained tendencies makes it possible to move past them.

Once you’re aware of your tendencies, you can react less to your own inner demons, and respond more to the unique baby in front of you. What does she seem to need, today? What are the patterns you notice in her temperament? When is she most responsive to interaction and “play”? When is she content to be left on her own for a bit while you get something done around the house? There is no magical formula that tells us how many minutes per hour or day that will be optimal for her development. She will “tell” you, through her behavior. Babies are all different. You’re best off trying to “read” yours from moment to moment.

How Do I Know What My Baby Really Needs?
When you observe your baby’s behavior over time, you will notice she has unique rhythms and patterns. Sometimes, she will have better control over her body, and be nice and alert. Other times, she will be disorganized in her movements, overwhelmed, irritable, tired or hungry. These patterns follow a fairly predictable cycle throughout the day. Your baby is most receptive to interaction and “play” when she is in the quiet, observant, alert phase of her sleep/wake/activity cycle. Other times, she will prefer to sit on her own, observing her environment, trying to make sense of it all. At two months, she is working so hard to try to focus her eyes, move her head (and feet and hands) purposefully, get used to her digestion and other internal sensations, and make sense of all that information. So giving her some time alone to “take it all in” while she’s in her bouncy seat (or crib, or bassinet) is perfectly fine. READ HER CUES. A well-developing baby will thrive on both her intimate, intense “play times” with you, and also be able to tolerate some time just watching the world go by.

A Mother’s Guilt: Never in Short Supply
But it’s OK if you can’t play with her at each and every opportunity… I give you permission! Perhaps you have other things to do…Oh, I don’t know, like make dinner? Do laundry? Take care of other kids? Or, even lie down on the couch and relax for a bit (what a concept)? You need to balance her needs, and the needs of the family; that includes YOU too. You need to re-fuel yourself so that you can be your best with your baby. A tired, overwhelmed Mom doesn’t read anyone’s cues very well.

You can find practical solutions to some of the challenges in your baby’s early months, too. I hear you when you say your daughter is awake and fussy more in the daytime. You want to give her attention, but you also need to balance the needs of the rest of the household and the family. My second baby wanted to be held more than the others and didn’t nap well, but he slept well at night like your baby. So while we did play together during the day, when he was fussy and tired (but not willing to sleep) I schlepped him around in a front-carrier so that he could get the physical contact he craved, but I could still get something done around the house. Find solutions that are workable not only for your baby, but for you too.

Experiment with these ideas and let us know how it goes.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Next time, I’ll tackle a related issue: How DO you “play” with a tiny baby, anyway?

Dear BabyShrink,

I fully intended on breastfeeding my first baby. But after trying hard for six weeks, we had to give up. We had 3 lactation specialists, moms, friends, and my doctor helping. But my baby was not gaining weight and crying all the time. I just never made more than a half-ounce of milk at a time, despite pumping and nursing all day (and night). But the specialists all told me to keep trying. That eventually, I would make more milk. I never did, and I could not stand to know that she was hungry. I had to feed her!

Feeding my baby formula felt like a failure as a mom. But she is developing into a wonderful and healthy little girl. Now that I am expecting my second baby, I still think back to that time and I worry about it. It makes me so depressed that I still get teary-eyed every time I think of trying to nurse again. All my friends and my sister were able to nurse. Why not me? People are urging me to try it, but I just can’t go through that again. I was so stressed out at a time I wanted to be enjoying my new baby. Now I will have a toddler to care for as well.

How do I handle this? Any thoughts are appreciated.

Sign me Anonymous
Atlanta

Dear, Dear Anonymous Mom,

I asked you if I could post this letter because so many moms out there are experiencing this same thing right now. Terrible guilt and angst because of being unable (or unwilling, for what can be excellent reasons) to breastfeed their babies. Let me say this immediately: as a psychologist, I want you to be as happy and stress-free as possible during the early months with your baby. Your baby’s development and happiness depends very much on YOUR emotional state at that crucial time. If breastfeeding is causing you too much strain and guilt…it’s just not worth it.

OK, I said it! Let the breastfeeding police come and take me away. But it has to be said.

Some of you are about to get angry at me. So before that happens, let me state a few things as fact:

· Breastmilk has absolute advantages, nutritionally, over formula

· Nursing has been shown to be beneficial in many ways, to both mother and baby

· I support the ability of Moms to nurse their kids anywhere at any time

· I nursed our three kids

But the pressure to breastfeed can be harmful to many Moms. It’s hurting some of you (and by extension, your babies). While I accept the fact that some Moms simply may not understand the benefits and simplicity of breastfeeding, and I do wish more Moms would at least try it out, I don’t accept the patronizing (matronizing?) attitude that often goes along with judging Moms for their choice not to nurse…or their physical inability to do so.

As a licensed psychologist, I also see many Moms who feel inadequate, uncertain, and self-critical because of society’s pressure to breastfeed. They in turn transmit those feelings to their babies.

Although we are told that virtually all mothers can (and should) nurse their babies, consider the following real-life examples of Moms who simply can’t breastfeed:

· The Moms who, like Anonymous above, went through several lactation specialists, medications, and weeks of stress, only to find her breasts simply won’t produce milk (and her baby wasn’t gaining weight)

· The Moms who need to take medicine for postpartum depression (or other life-threatening illness) and want to protect their babies from the medication

· The Moms who have no breasts, either because of an accident, illness, or congenital condition

These are cases where Moms CANNOT breastfeed. Yet in each case, these Moms are criticized and judged by others who have the nerve to ask them, “Why aren’t you breastfeeding?”

But I must maintain that there are also situations where Moms CHOOSE NOT to breastfeed, and that choice must be respected. Who are we to judge the choices other parents make about feeding their babies? Who are we to impose our decisions on them?

I would rather see a happy mom and baby with a bottle of formula than a stressed out mom (and baby) struggling through nursing. To me, the most important thing is that Mom feels comfortable in her decisions as a parent. If Mom is happy, everyone’s happy. I actually stole the term "Good Enough Mother" from one of my shrink heroes, Dr. Donald Winnicott. He was the first to say, "back in the day", that you should not strive to be a perfect parent….just a good enough parent. If you want to get the scoop on him, read more here. (It’s a little technical, but if you’re into psychology, Winnicott is a classic.) 

And it extends to the “I’m a better parent than you” kind of competitiveness that continues beyond the baby stage. Who’s toddler is smarter/cuter/faster/going to the “better” preschool? Who is watching the least TV? Who has the better diet?

Our expectations of being “Good Enough” mothers have gotten completely out of whack. And the very strong pressure to breastfeed our babies does not help.

Again, this is all about expectations. It’s important for parents to have realistic expectations of their parenting. Parenting decisions have to be made with the best interests of both parent and child in mind. Breast or bottle? Your choice is best.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink