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Dear BabyShrink,

I have two children; a seven-year-old boy and a five-year-old
girl.  We are lucky enough to live close to three sets of their
grandparents who all want to spend time with them.  The problem is that
the kids have picked favorites.  They only want to spend time with the
"fun" ones (the ones that let them eat whatever they want, watch
whatever they want and go to bed whenever they want).  This has resulted
in tension with the grandparents who believe in rules and boundaries.  The
kids have also told my husband and me that they don’t want to live with us
anymore.  I realize they’re just being kids, but they’re also hurting
feelings.  How do I speak to them about this in a way that they can
grasp? 

Sincerely, Vicki

Hi Vicki,

Thanks for the picture! Your kids are adorable, and you can’t really blame them for responding like they do when they’re showered with gifts and given no limits. At this age, they’re just following the cookies and the Wii. Social skills are not really their strong suit, yet.

But it is important to set a standard for them in how they treat people, and family in particular. In every family, there are
differences in the way one set of relatives relates to the kids, vs. the other
set. Differing cultural traditions and values can play a role. Sometimes, one
family has tons of grandkids (and therefore less time and money to spend) and
the other side has few, so therefore more time and money. The general level of
intensity of the relationships within the family often dictate things, too. For
instance, my husband’s family is more involved in general in the lives of their
friends and family. My family, on the other hand, is more "live and let
live".  Neither is better, just different. Kids have to get used to
the fact that everyone is different; and that’s OK.

Grandparents have the
inalienable right to spoil their grandkids; nothing I can say will change that.

But your children will learn over time, with your help, that you can’t "judge the
book by it’s cover". Treats and presents are great, but they’re not
everything.

The kids do have to learn
that some things in life cannot be controlled; Grandma X gives cookies and
candy, Grandma Y gives fruit and crackers. All you can do is talk to the kids
gently (but frequently) about manners, being polite with everyone, and the fact
that everyone is different. Perhaps the less-lenient grandparents have other
attributes: Maybe they can teach the kids to fish, or go camping, or how to
sew. The grandparents also have to come to terms with the fact that they will
each have different standards with the kids.

You can talk to all the
grandparents (probably separately) about your dilemma. Try to generate some
empathy for the kids, for the other set of grandparents, and for YOU in the
situation. Talk to the lenient grandparents about the bind they put you in.
"I don’t want to deny you your right to spoil the grandkids. I don’t want
to control your time with them. But when they come back home to rules and to be
with us, they’re impossible, since they’ve had so many goodies. They even told
us they don’t want to live with us anymore, or visit with the other
grandparents. Can we talk about toning it down just a little
bit?"

Also, talk with the other grandparents
about your plans to address it. Show them you mean business when you insist
that the kids are nice and polite. Really play up the cool things that they CAN
do with these grandparents. Show your kids that their tantrums aren’t going to
get them anywhere; they still need to have a cordial relationship with all
family members.

Good luck and keep us
posted!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Dear BabyShrink,

Danny talks about his son, who is only a year younger than mine, having a propensity for tears. Our son is very similar. He is a budding perfectionist (as his mom was) and gets stormy when he can’t do things right on the first few tries. It really, really bothers his dad, who was teased unmercifully by other kids when he was young and did the same thing. Danny mentioned that he tries to work through those moments with the Champ, and I was kind of hoping you might get him to share some of those specifics or some of your own. (I believe he did blog at one point about trying to make the Champ laugh when he saw such a situation arising in baseball, but if you or he have any other hands-on solutions, I would love to hear them!)

In one sense we are lucky, because being somewhat overly concerned with success has not kept him from trying things, as it did me. But it took me 20 years to learn that I didn’t have to do everything perfectly to enjoy it, and I am hoping we can significantly shorten the learning curve for my son.

Thanks!

Donna, Rossville, KS

Hi, Donna,

I have a five-year-old who’s a real perfectionist too (he comes by it naturally, like your son). Sometimes he does give up trying when it’s difficult — that real danger your son has sidestepped, so that’s a great start already. As long as they don’t give up and keep trying, what you’re really asking about, I guess, is the stormy emotional reaction.

Does his reaction get him into trouble, say at school, or with his friends, like what happened to his dad? Or is the real problem your worry about his future possible perfectionism — and his Dad’s worry about his tears? Because there are different approaches, depending on where the problem lies.

If his emotional reactions DO get him into trouble, talk with him about what to do with his feelings, instead of breaking down. Make sure he knows that his feelings are always OK, but it’s how we handle them that matters. Make a plan ahead of time, when he’s feeling good. Practice some things that he can do instead: take three deep breaths (practice with him and you can make it a silly game). Help him find words for his frustration. "I wish I could do it right! It makes me so mad! "  Et cetera.

If he’s doing well and it’s really more of your worries, remember, he’s young. You might want to observe his classroom; I’ll bet there are a couple of other kids in his class who are similar. You might even ask his teacher about it; they have lots of experience in dealing with all sorts of kids, and often have insights that we as parents don’t.

His perfectionism can really be an asset — I’ll bet you have found a way to make it work for you. Help him channel his energies into being productive and successful at what he loves.

~~Heather