Baby # 3 is now READING. Wow! How did we get here? My thoughts and suggestions.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

See? I'm 5 now!

Remember this guy? This sweet, cuddly, awesome 4-year-old? Well, now he’s a big 5-year-old, and he’s been in kindergarten for about 7 weeks. He started out with an enthusiastic bang, but now we’re dealing with tears and major foot-dragging when it comes to going to school.

I know, I know — I shouldn’t be surprised. “Help! My Kindergartener Hates School All of a Sudden!” is one of my most popular posts — and a very common parenting dilemma. Fact is, young children are totally different animals than “school aged” kids — and by that, I mean 8-year-olds and up. Little kids are still developmentally more like preschoolers. And that means they’re likely to change their minds about — well, just about everything. So, starting off kindergarten all excited — then losing steam after a few weeks — isn’t a surprise. Check out my post (and the growing comment section, with my additional suggestions) for coping ideas.

And hang in there, if you’ve got a balking kindergartener. Usually, if you can support your child through this tricky developmental stage, the protests wind down by Thanksgiving.

In the meantime, Happy Halloween!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Off to school so soon?

My daughter turns 5 right before the “cutoff” age for kindergarten – so she’ll be able to attend, but I’m not sure she’s ready. Should we have her start this fall, or wait another year?

Sam in Philly

Dear Sam,

All over the country, parents are going through the same dilemma. For many, like those with “early born” kids, the decision is easy. For others who have “late-borns” (like yours, and my fourth child — an October baby) — or for those who’s kids are a tad behind, developmentally — it’s a tough call. There’s no “magic” test for readiness, and no single developmental accomplishment that means your child is 100% ready.

Here is my basic Kindergarten Readiness Checklist of the areas I consider essential to success in the fall:

• Enthusiasm about learning
• The ability to speak understandably
• The ability to listen and follow instructions
• The desire to be independent
• Playing well with others (most of the time)
• Willingness to separate from parents
• Basic letter and number recognition

Here are 3 steps to help you make your decision:

1. Have a basic “Kindergarten Readiness” test administered at your intended school. There are many such tests available.
2. Discuss the results — plus the above readiness checklist — with the important adults in your child’s life, including prospective teachers. Your pediatrician can help too.
3. Revisit your decision over the summer. A child who’s not ready in the spring might quickly become ready in the summer.

Consider YOUR child’s readiness, and make the decision independent of the “trends” in your neighborhood. Ignore the tendency to “go along with the Joneses” – whether to “hold back” or “push ahead”. Whether your kiddo starts kindergarten this year or next is irrelevant compared to the fantastic developments that he’s gone through in the past 4 or 5 years. Remember that tiny newborn bundle they handed you that day 4 or 5 years ago? Look at your baby now! Good work, Mom and Dad!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

It reminds me of a recent situation when a parent stopped me, worried about a 6-year-old “bully”. The child in question — in my observation — wasn’t a bully, but rather a fairly typical little girl, testing out her advanced verbal (and not-so-advanced social) skills. Did she hurt her friends’ feelings? Probably. And did her friends reciprocate by saying something mean right back? They sure did. The parent was very upset about the impact of this “bully” in the classroom — and wanted to know what could be done to stop her. But was this truly “bullying?” No, it wasn’t. And I worry about the little girl being labeled “bully”, because the word has such negative connotations. So, what IS the definition of bullying?

Bullying is being intentionally, repeatedly cruel and belittling to smaller or otherwise less powerful kids. 6-year-old girls telling each other “you can’t come to my birthday party”, or “you don’t get to talk!” don’t qualify as bullying. And defining normal social “sparring” as “bullying” does everyone a disservice. Bullying has been getting some much-deserved attention in the media, and as a shrink I can attest to the terrible damage that TRUE bullying does to kids. But as an Early Childhood specialist, I know that little kids — especially girls — “practice” their social skills quite a lot with their classmates, and those skills get quite a bit of needed refining in 1st and 2nd grades. Teachers in those grades know that this is common behavior, and gives the kids the opportunity to do some social “practicing” in a fairly safe situation. Do they need limits, structure, and guidance in the process? You bet. But labeling them “bullies” is a major overreaction.

If you have a kid in these grades (as I do) — here’s what to keep in mind:

• Kids need to “try out” their peer-to-peer social skills. Like lion cubs, they need to practice — but they don’t really mean any harm.
• “Victims” at this age tend to shrug off the insults with no problem. Don’t jump in to protect your cub until you see she’s truly struggling.
• Talk early — and often — about the little social struggles among your kids’ friends. Make it a point to ask about all the details, not to get anyone into trouble — but to help your cub think through the next incarnation of the battle. We’re building “social muscle” here.
• Role-play regular situations that crop up. Cutting in line, saying “mean” things, and “who is best friends with whom” are typical arguments. Walk through these issues with your child frequently to try out new approaches and solutions. Ask, “What might you say instead next time?”
• Be interested, open, and empathic — and try to hold back your parental protectiveness, unless there’s something more serious going on.

And of course, if your child is truly being bullied — or is, in fact, the bully — please step in immediately to involve the teachers and other parents. This is an age where this kind of behavior can — and should be — nipped in the bud. The Mom in question arranged a Parent Coaching session with me – via a conference call, so we could also include her husband – and we discussed strategies especially for their daughter. After a brief follow-up session, they’re now confident their daughter is gaining in confidence and blossoming in the classroom. It’s wonderful how one or two short sessions can relieve parents’ guilt, worry, and stress – and guide the whole family forward, in a positive way. With some practice (and a little luck), you’re setting the stage for your child to come to you with social problems in adolescence and beyond — for help and support in solving ever-more complex social dramas and situations.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Please check out the other experts at PositiveParentingNetwork.com to read some of the other great advice!

My baby's ready for kindergarten this fall

So, how do you know if kindergarten is in the cards for your 4 or 5-year old? Despite the official-sounding “readiness tests” used, there’s really no sure-fire way to know. But ask yourself if your “baby” has these skills as we move through kindergarten application season:

• The ability to speak and be understood
• Enthusiasm about learning
• The ability to listen and follow directions
• The desire to be independent, and a willingness to separate from parents
• Playing cooperatively (much of the time). Can he handle sharing, playing, and taking turns?
• Basic letter and number recognition

Having these skills makes it far more likely that he’ll be ready in the fall. And if he’s not — that’s OK too. He’ll get there!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Bullying -- or "Sparring?"

Recently, a parent stopped me, worried about a 6-year-old “bully”. The child in question — in my opinion — wasn’t a bully, but rather a fairly typical little girl, testing out her pretty advanced verbal skills in more complex ways. Did she hurt her friends’ feelings? Probably. And did the friend reciprocate by saying something mean right back? She sure did. The parent was very upset about the impact of this “bully” in the classroom — and wanted to know what could be done to stop her. But was this truly “bullying?”

No, it wasn’t. And I worry about the little girl being labeled “bully”, because the word has such negative connotations. So, what IS the definition of bullying? There are many definitions, but all involve the bully being intentionally, repeatedly cruel and belittling to smaller or otherwise less powerful kids. 6-year-old girls telling each other “you can’t come to my birthday party”, or saying “you don’t get to talk!” don’t qualify as bullying. And defining normal social “sparring” as “bullying” does everyone a disservice.

Bullying has been getting some much-deserved attention in the media, and as a shrink I can attest to the terrible damage that TRUE bullying does to kids. But as an Early Childhood specialist, I know that little kids — especially girls — “practice” their social skills quite a lot with their classmates, and those skills need quite a bit of refining — in 1st and 2nd grades. Teachers in those grades know that this is pretty common behavior, and gives the kids the opportunity to do some social “sparring” in a fairly safe situation. Do they need limits, structure, and guidance in the process? You bet. But labeling them “bullies” is a major overreaction.

If you have a kid in these grades (as I do — with 4 kids, it seems someone is always going through this) — here’s what to keep in mind:

• Kids this age need to “try out” their peer-to-peer social skills. Like lion cubs, they need to practice — but they don’t really mean any harm.

• “Victims” at this age tend to shrug off the insults with no problem. Don’t jump in to protect your cub until you see she’s truly struggling.

• Talk early — and often — about the little social struggles among your kids’ friends. Make it a point to ask about all the details, not to get anyone into trouble — but to help your cub think through the next incarnation of the battle. We’re building “social muscle” here.

• Role-play regular situations that crop up. Cutting in line, saying “mean” things, and “who is best friends with whom” are typical arguments. Walk through these issues with your child frequently to try out new approaches and solutions. Ask, “What might you say instead next time?”

• Be interested, open, and empathic — and try to hold back your parental protectiveness, unless there’s something more serious going on.

• And of course, if your child is truly being bullied — or is, in fact, the bully — please step in immediately to involve the teachers and other parents. This is an age where this kind of behavior can — and should be — nipped in the bud.

With some practice (and a little luck), you’re setting the stage for your child to come to you with social problems in adolescence and beyond — for help and support in solving ever-more complex social dramas and situations.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

"Mom, what happened?"

The news was on, and our preschooler came into the room. Before we could turn off the TV, he saw a good stretch of footage he shouldn’t have: Shootings. A deranged killer. Sobbing parents. A child murdered. “Why is that lady crying, mommy?”

Every ounce of our parenting instinct wants to wish this moment away — to press “DELETE” on our little ones being exposed to such horrors. Erase! Rewind! Pretend like it didn’t happen! They’re so innocent. How to explain such a terrible, grown-up reality? Can’t they stay in their little world of princesses and unicorns awhile longer?

Adding to the complexity of the situation was the presence of his 7-year-old brother and 9-year-old sister. What explanation to give them all? Our daughter jumped right in — she had been discussing it at school. “A man who was sick in his head went to the store and shot a politician plus a whole bunch of other people!” 7-year old: “What’s a politician? Like a donkey or an elephant?” 4-year-old: “Sick in his head? I was sick in my head last week! Remember mom? You took my temperature!” 9-year old: “He killed a girl my age!” 4-year-old: “Don’t die, OK?”

Graduate school lists of “how to talk to kids” at various ages started swimming through my head. But how to answer the 9-year-old with her more realistic questions and fears, while not confusing the preschooler? How to explain to the 7-year-old that death for people was much more serious than finding the dead fish in his classroom aquarium that morning? How to reassure the 4-year-old that he was safe — and so were we? And how NOT to infect them with my own fears and reactions?

I jumped into psychological triage mode. Job #1: Make sure to minimize the fear here. Explain and reassure. Job # 2: Respond to their questions — at their level. Job #3: Fall back on our routine. Demonstrate that things haven’t changed at home. Job # 4: Allow them to support each other, even as you try to correct the misinformation they may have. Siblings can be great resources for each other, giving reassurance in a way that we just can’t.

If there’s something big going on, and you need to stay tuned to the TV to follow anything for safety reasons, keep in mind who’s watching. Mute the sound when you can, and turn it off when possible. Little kids confuse “replays” with reality, and may think things are happening over and over again.

Here are more preschooler-specific tips for talking about tragedies:

• Don’t assume — anything. Your preschooler may completely tune out the situation. If that’s the case, it’s normal — and OK.

• Think in “fairies and pirates” language when answering questions. Your preschooler simply can’t understand the world of objective reality. To him, magical thinking applies.

• Keep it simple, and always follow up with reassurances. “Sometimes bad things happen, but Mommy and Daddy always protect you. We’re all going to live for a long time, until we’re very old.”

• Keep an eye out for questions coming up in different ways — like play. We’ve had a lot more “shooting” games going on around here these days (despite the fact that we don’t allow toy guns in the house). It gives me the chance to butt in and ask more about the games, and how they’re handling things.

If your kids are having a tough time adjusting to a tragedy, make sure to ask for help sooner — rather than later. It’ far easier to help a child adjust when the trauma is new. After awhile it gets more and more difficult. Ask her doctor, teacher, or a clergyperson for a referral to someone who works with young children. Here is a nice summary by Dr. Joel Dvoskin, posted on the American Psychological Association’s website:

Q. What should parents tell their children about this incident – especially since one of the dead was a 9-year-old child?

Dr. Dvoskin: Don’t be afraid to talk to your kids about these events. The most important thing after any trauma is to maximize real and perceived safety for the child…. Letting kids know that they are safe is likely to help and not likely to make things worse.

Don’t flood kids with too much information. The best way to decide how much information is appropriate is by the questions children ask you. Answer their questions honestly and directly, but remember that they are kids, so keep it simple (depending upon their age).

Parents should not lie to their children when talking about this tragedy. To the extent that children are unable to trust their caregivers, it is very difficult for them to feel safe.

Don’t “pathologize” normal human responses to frightening events. If your children are frightened or upset, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them. However, if problems such as misbehavior, sleeplessness or other signs of depression or anxiety become especially severe or extreme, then seek professional help.

Limit kids’ continued exposure to television coverage of the event. Depending upon their age and developmental status, they might not be able to tell if it’s one event being repeated or many events. This is especially true of younger kids. Parents might even want to limit their own television watching.

Pay attention to your own fears and anger. It is unlikely that you will successfully hide your feelings from your children, who usually pay keen attention to what you say and do. Take care of yourself, and if your own feelings or behavior become extreme and problematic, don’t be afraid to seek help for yourself as well.

If it is necessary to refer the child to a mental health professional, as always, step one is screening and assessment. Assess the child as a child, in totality, and in developmental context. Kids who have exaggerated reactions to what they see on TV may be kids who aren’t strangers to trauma. The real question is why this event traumatized this child…. Community trauma can bring to the fore issues that were already there.

I’ve also included a couple of additional links below for more information. In the meantime — stay safe.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Here is a nice guide from my colleagues at the American Psychological Association

And a helpful PDF that was written in response to 9/11 — still very relevant to any tragedy — that breaks down parents’ responses by age range

One Of Our First Graders

I recently wrote about 4-year-olds, and why they’re so awesome. No longer toddlers, but not yet “big kids”, they still snuggle like the baby you miss, but have enough independence that they’re fun to hang out with.

Not to dis on the 5-year-olds, but SIX is an amazing age. I learned this when our oldest child’s first grade teacher turned me on to a classic, fabulous book about early childhood development — with an educational focus. It’s a little technical and geeky, but if you like this stuff you’ll LOVE this book. The upshot is this: Something magical happens in first grade. At some point during the year, each kid will go through an amazing transformation. She’ll start out like a kindergartener — still a little clingy and whiny, and living in the magic world of imagination — ponies, princesses, and fairies. But she’ll end up the year like a KID — an honest-to-goodness Grade School Kid — who can be swayed by logic, her peers, and the rules of the world.

Schools in many European countries understand this developmental fact, and that’s why they don’t do serious academic work until age 7.  But their outcomes are much better than ours — because they’re working WITH development, not AGAINST it. You can use this to your advantage by not falling for the ubiquitous pressure to force younger and younger children to do “academics”.  Having realistic expectations for the behavior and learning of your preschooler and kindergartener will potentially save you a lot of worry when you’re told they’re not performing up to “standards”. The “standards” of most school systems weren’t created with normal development in mind. But that’s another big topic for another day.

Read this lovely description of the 6-year-old mind here, and promise me you’ll come back to read another article I’ve written about first graders — and why yours probably doesn’t have ADD, too.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink

It Starts Now

There’s lots of talk (and worry) about money these days, and we’re all thinking about our families’ budgets. My friend and colleague Dr. Brad Klontz talks about financial well-being, and how it doesn’t “just happen”. Like part of any healthy lifestyle, there are skills to be learned, bad habits to be eliminated, and good attitudes to be built. The good news for your family is that you can start the process out in a good way at even the youngest of ages.

Age 2-3
Your children will start to internalize your money attitudes every time you discuss (or argue about) household expenses or take a trip to the grocery store.  Be conscious about spending and Use Your Words with your little ones. “Hey! Our favorite cereal is on sale. That’s a great price! Let’s get an extra box today.”

Age 3-5
Build an awareness about money — actual coins and bills. In our house, we’ve gotten the kids those inexpensive State Quarters collecting kits, and they’re excited to look for the coins, trade for ones they need, and show them off to friends. They also learn cool things about the States. Also, have them help you plan your shopping list, and make them responsible for holding the list and “checking” it. Make up a computer list of regularly purchased items and a little picture of the item next to it, printing out a new one each shopping trip. Your preschooler can color in the things you need that week and keep track of it in the store.

Age 6-7
Now you can start talking about the price of things, saving, and allowance.  Include them in plans to save for special purchases, help them donate to good causes, and support “lemonade stands” and other budding entrepreneurship.

Parents
But the most important job is ours. Money is the main reason for couples’ arguments and divorce. This issue is worth your time and effort, people: Take stock of your financial problems, and how your attitudes are involved. Examine the weird money “scripts” from your family of origin. Challenge assumptions like “it’s bad manners to talk about money”. Get yourself in the habit of good financial behaviors. I highly recommend Dr. Klontz’s books on the subject, which are easy to read, yet powerful. Check them out here.

And finally, GIVE. Every religion and moral/ethical tradition talks about the needy and the importance of giving. Use Your Words to model gratitude for what your family has. Help your child pick a cause and put aside a small amount of her savings to her cause on a regular basis. Carry it through by showing her how you donate the money. Make visits to learn about the cause and help in person, if possible.

Happy Saving!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

• Trying to find the “perfect” stroller

• Getting on a years-long wait list with the “best” preschool

• Overscheduling even young children, from “Mommy and Me” to “enrichment” classes

• Parents not having any adult life (or getting any sleep) because their lives are 100% kid-focused

But even for those of us who weren’t ever considered “wealthy”, there’s a lesson here about priorities, and what it truly takes to be a Good Enough parent.

Just Hangin' Out -- Better Anyway

Being with the kids — just hanging out. Getting to know their temperaments, tendencies, personalities and foibles. Helping them learn about themselves, and how to  be a good person. And helping them to learn about money — what it CAN buy, what it CAN’T buy, and how to make budgeting and saving fun.

This is a really good thing. Because your kids don’t need lots of money to grow into happy, healthy, productive human beings. They need YOU — your interested time and attention.

I know by experience, people. I’m not much of a shopper, but I LOVE baby gear. I’ve spent 10 years searching for “the perfect stroller”, and wasted tons of money on the 7 or 8 strollers moldering away in the Stroller Cemetery in our garage. But none of our four babies ever loved being in ANY stroller, and if I had just waited to get to know them a bit before I started buying, I could have saved a ton of cash. Patience and careful thought are worth a lot — in life, and in parenting.

It starts at the earliest ages. In our family, we’ve discovered that toys, balloons and candy shouldn’t get bought at the market as an incentive for good behavior. Toddlers in our family get told, “Let’s put the balloon away now that we’re done shopping. The balloon lives here — let’s say bye bye to the balloon.” When they don’t expect a lot of buying as young children, they enjoy the stuff we DO buy much more.

This is an opportunity to re-focus on the simple (but powerful) fact that it’s US, not our “stuff”, that make our kids into great human beings. Staying home, cooking together, reading, and running around outside is not only cheaper, it’s a better way to focus on the enduring priorities of parenting.

And in the process, we get to know ourselves better, too.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink