babyshrink.com

We bloggers check our blog traffic to see how many “hits” we’re getting. My software also tells me how you got to me — what you entered into the search or URL line to get to BabyShrink — and this is where it gets interesting. This time of year, I get a lot of searches that look like this:

SHOULD+I+SNEAK+MY+TODDLER+INTO+PRESCHOOL+IF+SHE+IS+NOT+FULLY+
POTTY+TRAINED?

AND

MY+KINDERGARTENER+HATES+SCHOOL+WHAT+SHOULD+I+DO?

The demand is so strong for these topics that I’m re-running these 2 posts together. So without further ado, here’s my post on potty training rules in daycare and preschool – you’ll see that I have some pretty strong opinions.

And here’s my post on what to do if your poor little kindergartener decides that they would rather NOT be a big boy or girl anymore and stay home after all.

I’ve been there more than once myself, so I can sympathize. Check out those posts and let me know what you think!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Hi Dr. Heather,

I am in desperate need of help. I have an almost-4-year-old son who is afraid of public restrooms.

Sometimes a scary place for toddlers

At 2 1/2 years old, his preschool teacher thought he may have a speech delay so we did early intervention with Easter Seals through the State run program. Turns out he just wasn’t ready to talk. (Now we can’t keep him quiet.) We had started potty training him and he was doing so well at home. I thought nothing of it until we went out and he screamed and cried and just didn’t want to use the public restrooms. He said he was afraid of the noise. He also doesn’t like the restrooms with the auto flush feature. We went to the mall almost every afternoon to try to “desensitize” him of his fear. Within a month he was fine. He would go to the restroom at school and in public.

In August of last year, he started at a new school. He was fine the first month and all of a sudden he stopped going to the bathroom at school. He will use the school’s restroom if I’m there, but he won’t go with his teachers or his classmates. This causes him to have accidents during school…especially at nap time. When I take him to school, we use the restroom. When I pick him up, we use the restroom. But he just won’t go with his teachers.

Now he has a fear that the toilet will clog. He cries while sitting on the toilet, asking if it will clog. I know he has anxiety issues but I’m just getting really frustrated and don’t know how to handle this situation.

What do I do? I’m afraid that his school will not let him come back next year if this keeps happening and more importantly, I’m afraid he’ll be like this as an adult.

Any advice would be appreciated!
Thank you,
Kathy

Hi Kathy,

Please don’t worry about his future as an adult. So many of these fears are passing things in childhood. Of course I cannot guarantee he won’t be an anxious adult, but the presence of anxiety in early childhood is extremely common and is almost always normal (and passing). Potty fears are one of the most common, especially with those super-loud (and uncontrollable) automatic flushers. Who ever thought THOSE were a good idea?! Nobody with young children, that’s who.

Now, think back: did anything happen at school to upset him? Did the toilet clog one day and overflow? Talk to his teachers; use your parent detective abilities to see if there is any connection to something upsetting that happened. Then you (and his teachers) can try to slowly reacquaint him with the potty, understanding his fears.

I also wonder about his school. What is the teacher/student ratio? Ideally, one teacher would be assigned to assist and support him with potty trials throughout the day, with no pressure. The pressure will only make it worse. These kinds of problems are really not that unusual in preschools. The teachers hopefully can be asked to support him a bit more. Perhaps a brief return to using Pull-Ups might be considered. Ask him if it would help him at school, especially at naptime. He might feel reassured simply to have the option. He shouldn’t be shamed because of it; it’s just a temporary measure until he feels more confident. Assure him that, soon, he’ll feel better about the potty at school but until then, why not use the PullUps so he doesn’t have to worry about an accident? Lots of 3 and 4-year-olds use PullUps.

But I also hear that you have an underlying concern about your son’s anxiety level, and have had good experience with help in the past. Why not ask his previous therapists if they have any suggestions, including the possibility of an evaluation by a child psychologist, just for you to get some more information and hopefully settle your own anxieties about him? Because your son can sense YOUR anxiety too — and you don’t want him to internalize that you’re fearful about him. If you have a concern, promptly get it checked out, so that you can either get him some help (and feel relieved that he should feel better soon), or feel relieved that everything is OK.

Finally, have you checked out my other posts on “Fears”? Go to “Categories” to the right and below this post, then click on “Fears”. There will be several posts that come up — you can keep clicking “older entries” to see even more.

Good luck and let me know if you need more ideas.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Dear Dr. Heather,

I have a question for you regarding my daughter, who turned 3 in October. She has been potty trained (pee at least) since August. Here is the problem….she poops in her sleep. She also poops on the potty if she has to go while she is awake. But mostly, she is pooping in her pull-up during naptime. She also has pooped twice at nighttime. I don’t know if she is holding it to do it while she has a pull-up on, or if she is sleeping so soundly that she doesn’t realize she is doing it. Since she also poops on the potty, I don’t know what to think. Is it possible to influence the time of day she poops? She will be starting preschool soon and I am concerned that she will poop in her underwear at school during naptime. When she does poop in her pull-up, she apologizes profusely. I used to say that she needs to poop in the potty, not in her pull-up, but I don’t want to turn her into a neurotic kid, so I just clean her up and say nothing. Any suggestions?

Thanks for your help.

Marcia

Hi Marcia,

It sounds like you are being sensitive to your daughter regarding her poopy-timing. I’m glad you’re not pressuring her about the issue. And the fact that she apologizes profusely shows you that she knows what she is supposed to do, but isn’t there yet. You’re right; lecturing her about it won’t help. And I wouldn’t suggest doing anything to somehow manipulate her potty schedule; this would likely be felt as intrusive by her.

It also seems that it wouldn’t concern you as much if it weren’t for the preschool issue. Many preschools have rules that state the child must be “toilet independent” before starting school. The pressure to be “completely” potty trained before starting preschool MAKES ME CRAZY! It’s really unrealistic for many kids, and parents feel compelled to get their kids trained before they’re ready. This can cause problems later on.

That said, many schools WILL work with you, if you approach them directly. Believe me, this isn’t the first time they’ve dealt with this! They can support your daughter on her way to being fully potty trained. If her school won’t work with you on this — look elsewhere. You want a place that understands the developmental issues of preschoolers.

In the meantime, continue to praise her efforts, and be neutrally supportive when she has an accident. I wouldn’t dwell on it much with her; it sounds as if she KNOWS what is expected, and that’s what matters. It sounds like she’s well on her way to having full control over her potty needs, and I’ll bet that soon, she’ll be making good progress.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink