The current issue of Pregnancy, see me on Page 60

But Lisa was interested in including a quote from me in which I at least am able to mention the issue of guilt and the pressure moms experience to “get it right”.

It’s also exciting for me as I embark on my quest to make important — and useful — parenting information more available. Parenting babies and young children can be difficult, and our generation of parents has to sort through a bunch of inaccuracies and propaganda about child development in the quest to be the best parents we can be. Conflicting messages about breastfeeding, potty training, discipline, TV, and other “hot button” issues make it stressful to feel good about making parenting decisions. I’ve done a lot of work to sort through the garbage and provide you with the most essential and helpful parenting information I can — information that’s vetted directly by me, a psychologist and child development expert, and mom to four young children. To that end, I’m happy to announce that I’m also being used as an expert source in upcoming issues of Parents and American Baby magazines, as well. I’m commenting on some of the most common problems we, as parents, face with our young ones — and suggest what I hope are helpful ideas to make your life simpler and more satisfying, as parents.

Thanks to Lisa for giving me the opportunity to start to reach a wider audience, and to you for your ongoing support! You can pick up the June/July issue of Pregnancy in Target, and most bookstores and newsstands. (I’m on page 60.)

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Um, except that…Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, is it? As much as I’m wanting to avoid this thing called “labor and delivery”, what actually FEELS like “jumping (or getting pushed) off a cliff” — deep down, I know I can’t pretend it’s not about to happen. Deep down, this control freak is really scared about the unpredictable nature of labor, and the fact that an unknown doctor in the group is likely to deliver my baby, not to mention the fact that I’m about to meet a little stranger. An interloper into what has become the lovely rhythm of our family.

I’ve spent this pregnancy in deep gratitude for the upcoming birth of this baby; grateful for the simple fact of my pregnancy at age 41, grateful that the pregnancy has progressed so well so far, and grateful for the support I have to go through this again.

But now I’m getting worried about the incredible changes we’re about to face. Yes, I know. I’ll fall in love with her the moment I meet her (or perhaps soon thereafter). My motherly instincts will kick in — they always have before — and the baby will be a wonderful addition to the family. Yadda yadda. But at this point she’s still such a mystery; such an enigma. So close, and yet so unknown. And she’s about to change everything. It’s a little scary for a control freak like me to anticipate!

I feel protective of the three kids we have, and our routine that this new baby is about to smash. As excited as the kids are about their new sister, I feel anticipatory guilt that they surely cannot know the degree to which my attention will be taken away by the baby (and the killer sleep deprivation I will endure). And I groan when I think of the messy recovery from childbirth, the weight I’ll have to lose, and the strategic clothing that needs to be worn by a lactating mother who also attends Board meetings and clinical consults.

So I think I’ll just pretend that this is “the new normal” for a little while longer.

Baby? Who’s having a baby?

But as a clinician, I’m very concerned about the high rate of postpartum mood disorders, as well as the tendency of new mothers to ignore or deny their symptoms. Many of you have written to me, with stories of untreated PPD in your pasts, begging me to help get the word out to moms who might be experiencing the condition now. POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION IS ONE OF THE MOST TREATABLE DISORDERS WE KNOW. If you, or someone you know, might have PPD, PLEASE help her to get help…immediately. You can show her this article, which is a nice, straightforward review of the condition, and you can also listen to my 16-minute, free podcast on PPD.

And I know you don’t read BabyShrink for a dose of politics, but the situation regarding health care in America is at a point of critical mass. Insufficient numbers of primary care services in this country result in our missing PPD far more than we diagnose it. This is especially true in rural and semi-rural areas — where many of us live. We MUST reform our health care system to ensure that ALL women are screened for PPD — and given the treatment that we know works — for the benefit of their babies, their families, and themselves. And that will only happen if we reform health care to emphasize the prevention and wellness approaches that we know WORK. Treating PPD isn’t the hard part. Reforming health care IS. But it must be done.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

It’s really common to have particularly memorable and intense dreams during pregnancy. There are several contributing factors to this:

Frequent night wakings. I remember waking easily 3 or 4 times a night when pregnant. When you awaken just after dreaming, you are more likely to remember the dream.

The stress of the impending change in your life with a baby on the way. The stress of a major life transition is bound to result in more active dreams.

Hormonal and other physical changes. Your upset tummy, sore back and soaring progesterone all throw your body’s chemistry into a new time zone. Your dreams are disturbed as a result.

So how do you interpret those wacky dreams? The interpretation of pregnancy dreams follows the same general rules as the interpretation of other dreams: First and foremost, write them down, immediately after waking. Keep a pen and paper at your bedside and scribble down whatever you can remember. Even if you’re sure you’ll remember the details in the morning, chances are…you won’t. (Dreams are funny that way. We have to “chase” them if we want to understand them.)

Don’t judge the dream, no matter how wacky (or twisted) it was. Keep an open mind, which will allow the process of understanding the dream happen more easily.

After reading the dream again, start a new section of notes, where you will jot down any random associations to the dream. Include any impressions, images that come to mind, and feelings and thoughts, even if they don’t seem related to the dream. Also list the events of the day (or days) previous to the dream.

Finally, re-read everything to see what connections you make. Sometimes, you need to put the whole thing away for awhile, to let some of your objectivity return. Later, you might see new meanings and interesting relationships between your outer life…and your inner mind.

There are some common themes in pregnancy dreams, many of which my readers mentioned in the comments section to my previous post.

Dream Worries
Pregnant or not, we often dream about losing control in a situation. I think that’s what Dawn’s dream was about, at least partially; teeth falling out is a classic, frequent dream symbol for feeling powerless.

Worry About Not Being a Good Mother
Sharon, MamaBigDog, and Alianora’s dreams all had this in common. Having a baby is such a huge responsibility, and we wonder if we’re up to it. There also could be an element of wish fulfillment there; what if I just left my baby alone, while I did my own thing? (I could do my nails, date a fabulous movie star, etc.) We certainly wouldn’t do it in real life, so we act it out in our dreams. Then we’re shocked when we wake up…Oh My God! I’ll be such a Bad Mother (there’s a club for that)! When perhaps the reality is, there’s a part of us that resents the enormous responsibility and changes brought about by a baby, no matter how wanted the baby is. It’s a fundamental dilemma of motherhood: I want to give everything to my baby. But I also need some energy for myself. How can I get some of the focus back on ME?

Worry About Something Being Wrong With the Baby
Kimi, Sharon and Hot Wife had dream themes along these lines. This theme is really a variation on the one above. “If I’m going to be a Good Mother, I’d better produce a Good Baby.” Then…what if my baby is somehow different than I expect her to be? What if I’m disappointed at how my baby turns out? Or worse: What if there’s something "really wrong" with her? What if I give birth to a “defective” baby, and am therefore a “defective” mother? I can’t think of a pregnant woman who hasn’t had a dream like this one.

The worry about being a Good Enough Mother starts before the baby is even born, dear readers! The whole notion of the baby being an extension of ourselves starts when the baby really IS a part of us, physically. It’s normal to have mixed, ambivalent feelings about the baby, and your new role as mother. And if this isn’t your first baby, it’s normal to worry about the impact the new baby can have on your nice stable family situation at home. A new baby IS an intruder, no matter how wanted. Having ambivalent feelings about that fact is normal. More importantly, recognizing and accepting the mixed feelings we have about our babies…and our children…makes it possible for us to consciously own those feelings, so that we’re not blindsided by them, brewing in our unconscious. Understanding our
dreams helps us to do just that…ultimately, be better mothers…and happier women!

There’s a great article here if you want to read about infant dreams, and I like the Dr.
Greene site in general. So check that out. But before you go over there, finish
this post, because I need your help. I’m planning a series on Pregnancy Dreams,
and I need your submissions!

I’m fascinated by dreams, and there are some interesting commonalities among pregnancy dreams. They tend to be unusually vivid, action-packed, and bizarre. We tend to remember them better than at other times of our lives, too.

Miriam recalls, from one of her pregnancy dreams:

I’m boiling potatoes in a giant stock pot on the floor in the kitchen. There is no steam, but I know they’re boiling. I’m stirring them with a long-handled slotted-spoon. The water begins
to boil away and now I am sauteeing them in the same pot. My husband is trying
to get me to make some chicken, then says that we need to go burn the marshland
to get rid of the mosquitoes. I tell him we have to talk to the committee about
it.

Right off the bat, of course I’m thinking of “cooking the
potatoes” as a metaphor for pregnancy. But I need Miriam’s reflections and
associations to help better understand the rest of the meaning of the dream.
She included some of the background in her email to me, so when I compile the
series, I’ll be able to share some of my interpretations with you.

I hope you’ll dig up your pregnancy journals and submit some of your own dreams to me and I’ll include them with the series. It promises to be fun, interesting and illustrative of the powerful
experience of pregnancy!