I’m digging deeper into the decision of whether to start Kindergarten this fall — or not. Look out for 4 in-depth posts on the subject. Check out the video for a sneak-peek!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Off to school so soon?

My daughter turns 5 right before the “cutoff” age for kindergarten – so she’ll be able to attend, but I’m not sure she’s ready. Should we have her start this fall, or wait another year?

Sam in Philly

Dear Sam,

All over the country, parents are going through the same dilemma. For many, like those with “early born” kids, the decision is easy. For others who have “late-borns” (like yours, and my fourth child — an October baby) — or for those who’s kids are a tad behind, developmentally — it’s a tough call. There’s no “magic” test for readiness, and no single developmental accomplishment that means your child is 100% ready.

Here is my basic Kindergarten Readiness Checklist of the areas I consider essential to success in the fall:

• Enthusiasm about learning
• The ability to speak understandably
• The ability to listen and follow instructions
• The desire to be independent
• Playing well with others (most of the time)
• Willingness to separate from parents
• Basic letter and number recognition

Here are 3 steps to help you make your decision:

1. Have a basic “Kindergarten Readiness” test administered at your intended school. There are many such tests available.
2. Discuss the results — plus the above readiness checklist — with the important adults in your child’s life, including prospective teachers. Your pediatrician can help too.
3. Revisit your decision over the summer. A child who’s not ready in the spring might quickly become ready in the summer.

Consider YOUR child’s readiness, and make the decision independent of the “trends” in your neighborhood. Ignore the tendency to “go along with the Joneses” – whether to “hold back” or “push ahead”. Whether your kiddo starts kindergarten this year or next is irrelevant compared to the fantastic developments that he’s gone through in the past 4 or 5 years. Remember that tiny newborn bundle they handed you that day 4 or 5 years ago? Look at your baby now! Good work, Mom and Dad!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Make sure to check me out all month on ParentsConnect.com, the Nick Jr parenting blog. You know, “We’re not perfect, we’re parents.” We had an awesome connection over my “Good Enough” parenting posts, and it’s exciting to interact with so many of their families. It was all made possible by the fab folks at Learning Care Group — you probably know them by their 1,000+ schools in the US, including ChildTime, Tutor Time, La Petite Academy, Montessori Unlimited, and The Children’s Courtyard. I’ve been blogging for them on the LCG Blog Learning Together too. They have exciting plans for showing off their expertise with kids — and they want my help. I’m honored and thrilled — and I’ll keep you posted as things develop.

I recently spent a bunch of time with the LCG folks on the mainland, creating a series of parenting videos. I’ll post them here soon, and they’ll also be on the LCG website. It was a wild ride, creating top-notch, scientifically-based, but accessible info for parents in the most professional, high-quality, high-tech media environment.

In the meantime, I’m expanding my Parent Coaching practice, and juggling not one, not two, but THREE kids’ basketball team schedules. What the heck — it’s all good experience for my LCG writing — they want to focus on work/life balance in the future, and my house is the perfect crucible to test out some new approaches.

Thanks for your continued support, and I hope you’ll stick around to check out some of my parenting tips!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

My baby's ready for kindergarten this fall

So, how do you know if kindergarten is in the cards for your 4 or 5-year old? Despite the official-sounding “readiness tests” used, there’s really no sure-fire way to know. But ask yourself if your “baby” has these skills as we move through kindergarten application season:

• The ability to speak and be understood
• Enthusiasm about learning
• The ability to listen and follow directions
• The desire to be independent, and a willingness to separate from parents
• Playing cooperatively (much of the time). Can he handle sharing, playing, and taking turns?
• Basic letter and number recognition

Having these skills makes it far more likely that he’ll be ready in the fall. And if he’s not — that’s OK too. He’ll get there!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Just One Molecule!

Direct from the Parent Coaching files, an issue that plagues many of us: The Preschooler Who Won’t Eat Healthy Foods. Common variants of this plague include The Preschooler Who Only Eats White Foods, The Preschooler Who Only Eats Starches, The Preschooler Who Only Eats Chicken Nuggets, and my niece’s current version: The Preschooler Who Only Eats Raisin Toast. (What can I say? Our family always has to be a little different.)

Seeing as though we can’t force our children to Eat, Sleep, or Poop, we must BACK OFF. Yet, how to encourage healthy eating habits? And how to cope with the obvious complications of No Healthy Food — constipation, and it’s negative impact on potty training?

I wish it was as simple as many of our pediatricians say: “Encourage fruits, vegetables, and whole fibers. Have them drink a lot of water.” OK — but HOW?! Most preschoolers will turn up their cute little noses at a plate of healthy food — or even something that looks just a little DIFFERENT than what they’re used to eating.

My take on it: This is an opportunity to walk the precariously thin line between ENCOURAGEMENT and PRESSURE. Do we give up trying? No. Do we get frustrated and beg, plead, cajole, or bribe them? Nope. But we DO encourage — with a parenting trick up our sleeves.

So, try this, a daily tactic in our house: It’s the One Molecule Rule. We serve meals in courses: Healthy foods first. Each kid gets a serving of either a fruit or vegetable — kid-friendly — think carrot strips and ranch dressing, banana “coins”, or apples with peanut butter. Each kid’s serving must be finished before the rest of the meal becomes available to them. And by “serving size”, we start with One Molecule of something different. The other day, we tried pomegranates. One kid LOVES them, but one kid freaked out when he saw them. For him, the rule was One Seed. He had to eat ONE pomegranate seed before “unlocking” his turkey sandwich. And next time, his serving might be TWO seeds. Whatever it is, be reasonably sure that it’s a serving size he can handle — and maybe even feel proud of finishing. SMALLER IS BETTER, until they graduate up to the next level. Praise and reinforce even the most incremental progress. And of course — model the behavior you want them to emulate. OOH and AAH over your artichokes, brussels sprouts, and avocados. But let them go when they’ve had their molecule.

Because:  Little kids are biologically programmed to avoid weird, unusual foods. It’s a survival thing from back in the day when weird foods could (and often did) kill them. So don’t blame your kids, work with them.

And the good news is this: With lots of encouragement over time, this too shall improve. To wit: My 9-year-old daughter, previously a card-carrying member of the “I Only Drink Juice And Eat Goldfish Crackers” club, asked for a CHICKEN CAESAR SALAD last night. And she LOVED it.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

I love this age!

I’m really enjoying our 4-year-old. He’s sort of an “Entry-Level Kid” — no longer a squirelly toddler, he can join in the group for some fun, manage his feelings pretty well, and tells silly stories that have us rolling.

Common parenting wisdom has remedies for the “Terrible Twos.” But they leave out the “Terrible THREES,” which can be mighty tough.

Three-year-olds are really just glorified toddlers who still need a lot of special attention, and are prone to frequent meltdowns, tantrums, and making wacky demands.  But the difference between three and four is huge — and hugely fun.

Here are some of the major emotional developments that come along with being four. Your 4-year-old can:

But it’s not always rosy. Some 4-year-old challenges include:

No matter the challenges, it’s a special time — and I’m making the most out of it. Soon, he’ll be starting school, and sometime in 1st grade his focus will shift away from family — and towards school and peers. It’s really our last chance to enjoy the special, intense, close parent-child bond before he starts launching into the wider world. (Sniff! I’m going off to have a little cry now — for my awesome boy who won’t be little forever.)

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Very Common Problems.

SHOULD+I+SNEAK+MY+TODDLER+INTO+PRESCHOOL+IF+SHE+IS+NOT+FULLY+
POTTY+TRAINED?

AND

MY+KINDERGARTENER+HATES+SCHOOL+WHAT+SHOULD+I+DO?

The demand is so strong for these topics that I’m re-running these 2 posts together. So without further ado, here’s my post on potty training rules in daycare and preschool – you’ll see that I have some pretty strong opinions.

And here’s my post on what to do if your poor little kindergartener decides that they would rather NOT be a big boy or girl anymore and stay home after all.

I’ve been there more than once myself, so I can sympathize. Check out those posts and let me know what you think!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Dear Dr. Heather,

Body awareness -- an ongoing process

I am worried about my 3-year-old daughter, who has made 2 comments about her “bottom” in the last 2 weeks. She didn’t want me to look at her bottom when I was putting a pull-up on her. When I asked her why, she said “I don’t know.” And visiting her grandparents’ house, she was getting dressed for the day and told her grandma that she didn’t want grandpa to see her bottom. I know that her grandpa would NEVER EVER do anything inappropriate…as a matter of fact, he has never even changed her diaper when she was younger. There is nobody else who she is in contact with who would EVER do anything inappropriate either. But I am concerned. I have never used the word “bottom”. I do not leave my girls alone with men or even just grandpas or other children (like playing in their room by themselves). They have to play where I can see them.

What I want to know is this: Do preschoolers develop a self-awareness of their body to a point where they don’t want certain people seeing them in their undies, or in the bathtub….at what age and is this normal? What should I be doing at this point? My number one priority is protecting my young daughters.

Signed,

Anonymous — and Fearful — Mom

Dear Fearful Mom,

Sometimes it’s hard to see our babies venture into territory like this. Body awareness, along with a sense of “private parts”, is a first step in a child’s developing sexuality. This can trigger strong feelings in us as parents, especially for those who have lingering issues over sexuality, or perhaps have experienced some sort of sexual abuse or inappropriateness in our own pasts. The natural response is to hypervigilant about any possible danger, and to protect your child at any cost. But this can get in the way of your child’s growing — and normal — awareness of his or her own body.

So YES, children do start to develop a beginning sense of body awareness — and privacy — by age 3. It’s not a fully-formed sense yet, but preschoolers do start to pick up on the fact that some areas of the body are “private”. It’s a complicated idea and so at first they can get confused. They might not totally understand whom you DO and DON’T show your private parts to….it would not be unusual for a 3-year-old to act shy about her “bottom”, even with a parent. Then there may be other times where she will run around naked, with no inhibitions. They’re trying to figure out the “rules” about who can view which body parts. It’s a long process that takes at least a couple of years to really come to grips with what is a complicated — and “loaded” — concept.

You mention that you’re worried about where she heard the word “bottom”, since you don’t use it in your family. You might think about where else she might have picked it up. Does she go to preschool? Or have friends that use the word “bottom”? Those are possibilities. She could have even overheard a mother talking to her child about it at the grocery store, for instance, “Sit on your bottom when you are in the shopping cart.” Of course I can’t know, but I’m just thinking of how often you hear parents talking to toddlers and preschoolers about stuff like that in public. Maybe that’s where she heard it.

Now, it sounds as if you are afraid something inappropriate might have happened. Of course I cannot say one way or another if that is the case; I’m not evaluating your daughter, only giving you some parenting information. But I can tell you that, usually, children who have been sexually abused show MANY signs of disturbance and regression including sleep, appetite, behavioral, and other problems. Simply using an unfamiliar word — by itself — would not necessarily concern me. I would look at her OVERALL behavior over a period of time. Of course if you have reasonable suspicion, you should report those suspicions to her doctor and the authorities. But hopefully this is just part of the normal process of your daughter learning about “public” and “private” body parts — a task that all preschoolers do work on at this age.

You might also want to check out another article of mine on the normal development of sexual sensations in preschoolers. Click here for it.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you need more help.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Post updated 12/2/2010

Hi Dr. Heather,

I am in desperate need of help. I have an almost-4-year-old son who is afraid of public restrooms.

Sometimes a scary place for toddlers

At 2 1/2 years old, his preschool teacher thought he may have a speech delay so we did early intervention with Easter Seals through the State run program. Turns out he just wasn’t ready to talk. (Now we can’t keep him quiet.) We had started potty training him and he was doing so well at home. I thought nothing of it until we went out and he screamed and cried and just didn’t want to use the public restrooms. He said he was afraid of the noise. He also doesn’t like the restrooms with the auto flush feature. We went to the mall almost every afternoon to try to “desensitize” him of his fear. Within a month he was fine. He would go to the restroom at school and in public.

In August of last year, he started at a new school. He was fine the first month and all of a sudden he stopped going to the bathroom at school. He will use the school’s restroom if I’m there, but he won’t go with his teachers or his classmates. This causes him to have accidents during school…especially at nap time. When I take him to school, we use the restroom. When I pick him up, we use the restroom. But he just won’t go with his teachers.

Now he has a fear that the toilet will clog. He cries while sitting on the toilet, asking if it will clog. I know he has anxiety issues but I’m just getting really frustrated and don’t know how to handle this situation.

What do I do? I’m afraid that his school will not let him come back next year if this keeps happening and more importantly, I’m afraid he’ll be like this as an adult.

Any advice would be appreciated!
Thank you,
Kathy

Hi Kathy,

Please don’t worry about his future as an adult. So many of these fears are passing things in childhood. Of course I cannot guarantee he won’t be an anxious adult, but the presence of anxiety in early childhood is extremely common and is almost always normal (and passing). Potty fears are one of the most common, especially with those super-loud (and uncontrollable) automatic flushers. Who ever thought THOSE were a good idea?! Nobody with young children, that’s who.

Now, think back: did anything happen at school to upset him? Did the toilet clog one day and overflow? Talk to his teachers; use your parent detective abilities to see if there is any connection to something upsetting that happened. Then you (and his teachers) can try to slowly reacquaint him with the potty, understanding his fears.

I also wonder about his school. What is the teacher/student ratio? Ideally, one teacher would be assigned to assist and support him with potty trials throughout the day, with no pressure. The pressure will only make it worse. These kinds of problems are really not that unusual in preschools. The teachers hopefully can be asked to support him a bit more. Perhaps a brief return to using Pull-Ups might be considered. Ask him if it would help him at school, especially at naptime. He might feel reassured simply to have the option. He shouldn’t be shamed because of it; it’s just a temporary measure until he feels more confident. Assure him that, soon, he’ll feel better about the potty at school but until then, why not use the PullUps so he doesn’t have to worry about an accident? Lots of 3 and 4-year-olds use PullUps.

But I also hear that you have an underlying concern about your son’s anxiety level, and have had good experience with help in the past. Why not ask his previous therapists if they have any suggestions, including the possibility of an evaluation by a child psychologist, just for you to get some more information and hopefully settle your own anxieties about him? Because your son can sense YOUR anxiety too — and you don’t want him to internalize that you’re fearful about him. If you have a concern, promptly get it checked out, so that you can either get him some help (and feel relieved that he should feel better soon), or feel relieved that everything is OK.

Finally, have you checked out my other posts on “Fears”? Go to “Categories” to the right and below this post, then click on “Fears”. There will be several posts that come up — you can keep clicking “older entries” to see even more.

Good luck and let me know if you need more ideas.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Well, he MIGHT be learning it from daycare. But guess what? Aggression is an INBORN DRIVE. Aggression is NATURAL in young children (and older children…and adults!). We ALL have some aggression in us….thankfully. Aggression helps us protect ourselves and our offspring, and, when properly re-directed, gives us energy to pursue our goals in life.

But there’s a lot of parenting “advice” out there that seeks to squash any hint of aggression in our kids, and indeed to pretend that it doesn’t exist. Worse, to punish the expression of it in children.

Instead, we must understand that aggression is a normal drive; as inescapable as hunger, thirst, and the developmental urge to get up and walk. When I see a child in the clinic who expresses NO aggression — THAT worries me.

Of course, the problem is not with aggression per se, but with HOW IT IS EXPRESSED. That’s the key, isn’t it? Aggression must be re-directed appropriately, so as not to be destructive.

So, how do we do that, as parents?

First, get comfortable with aggression, including your own
Yes, your own. I will bet that the Dads reading this won’t have as much difficulty with this part of the assignment. After all, boys and men are typically more direct in their expression of aggression. I’m all for women’s rights, but there’s no doubt that most boys (and men) are more directly aggressive than girls and women. My husband is a lot more comfortable with our kids’ aggressiveness than I am. But I’ve had to learn from him that it’s not good for me to automatically chastise the kids simply for being aggressive — kids need healthy outlets for their aggression, as long as they’re not hurting anyone (or anything).

Moms need to understand that we, too, have an aggressive drive within us. Think about it. How do you channel your aggression? One friend of mine goes on a pounding run. Another paints vivid pictures. My sister likes horror films. Personally, I’m a head-banger. I feel so much better after a good power walk, listening to Metallica, Smashing Pumpkins or Black Sabbath (am I dating myself here, or what?). Get comfortable with your own aggression, and think about how you channel it in a positive way. Then, think about how you can help your children with the same issue.

Next, convey this to your kids:
I understand you want to break that toy. I know you’re mad. That’s OK. But I can’t let you break things. Sometimes when I get mad I listen to loud music and jump up and down. Wanna try it with me? Or: You guys can’t hit each other. I know you got mad at each other. Let me help you use your words to say how mad you are at each other. Then when we’re done, we’ll try to find out how we can be friends again.

More tips on handling aggression
For babies and young toddlers (up to about 18 months), IGNORE it as much as possible.
(And yes, even babies express aggression. What breastfeeding mother can’t attest to that? One minute you’re having a nice nursing session, and then all of a sudden — OUCH! Your sweet baby has decided to act out his aggressive impulses — on your nipple!) If baby is biting, physically stop her, in as unemotional manner as possible (you don’t want her to be reinforced by a big reaction from you), and try to move on. Babies will misinterpret any chastisement, and internalize it as shame. Not good.

For older toddlers, you can express your understanding of the emotion, but firmly show him what you’d prefer. You also want to praise and reinforce his HEALTHY expression of frustration and aggression. I know that little girl made you mad. I could see you were upset. But I am so proud of you for being a big boy and walking away from her. You didn’t hit. Great job! And try really, really hard to stay unemotional about it yourself. Easier said than done, I know, but if your child can trigger YOUR annoyance and aggression easily, it’s reinforcement for his own aggression. If you act out your aggression, so will they.

For preschoolers, you can talk more about their conflicts and help them role play or plan out problem situations in advance, or even after the fact. I know Ashley sometimes makes you mad. What will you do in school today if Ashley upsets you again? Can we practice what you might say or do, instead of hitting? Or try a role-playing exercise. OK, I’ll pretend I’m Ashley, and you try using your words instead of hitting. Let’s practice.

I also want to say a bit about “scary stories”. Preschoolers naturally gravitate towards “scary stories”, because they fulfill an important psychological function. They offer a way to SAFELY MASTER FEARS — as well as their own aggression. Because fears and aggression are related, psychologically. Fears crop up when children start to see what their OWN aggression can cause. They then start to generalize this fear of aggression to others. Some parents or “experts” suggest avoiding scary stories, but this is actually counterproductive. It’s important to give your child an opportunity to process and deal with scary things in a safe and manageable way. Why do you think the classic fairy tales have been around so long? Because they offer children a chance to process their natural aggression and fears. Of course, follow your child’s lead. Don’t expose him to scary stuff he can’t handle. But recognize that it’s important psychologically to allow him to deal with aggression in stories, at school, and at home.

In general, you want to convey your empathy and support for all your child’s feelings. When he feels understood, it will be easier to show him how to appropriately channel and redirect his aggression and other negative feelings. This is an important lesson for him to learn now, so that he can manage his aggressiveness throughout his life.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink