Archive for the ‘Preschoolers’ Category:
Advice for a preschooler who HUGS too much
Dear Dr. Heather,
My 3-year-old son started nursery school a few weeks ago. Everything is fine except that he hugs the other kids too much! They do not want him to hug them and they wind up hitting him or running from his approach. The teachers have tried to talk to him about it and asked me to please try again tonight. Today he came home with 2 more scratches on his face. I don’t know what to tell him to make him understand, and I want him to have a good experience at school. Help!
London Dad
Dear London Dad,
Even though it may seem like your son is the only one with difficulties in transition to school, believe me, he’s not. They all have their little variations on the theme. I myself have just now returned from dropping off my 3-year-old at his new preschool. He’s not a “hugger”, but he is a “clingy whiner”. Another of the kids there gets upset when the teacher pays attention to other children, and another strips down to her undies when she misses her parents! This is a difficult time of year in terms of transitions to new things for our little ones. Usually, a few weeks max is all it takes to get used to a new school. But those weeks can feel punishingly, guiltily LONG for us parents!
Your little guy is so young and new to the preschool setting. He really can’t be expected to get all the social niceties completely worked out yet. Ideally, you want him with a teacher who can help him to transition and learn how to interact with the other kids so that they all have fun together. This should not be a “scolding” thing, but rather a “fun/learning” thing.
As I said, there are other kids there who are struggling as well with the transition, but in different ways. It’s normal; we can’t expect a 3-year-old to transition to such a new setting without some bumps and wrinkles. So don’t feel too bad about it, and try to convey a positive attitude to him. You can practice with him how to greet friends — lots of “high fives” and “good morning!” greetings. Give him lots of praise when he seems to improve and “get it”. Help him greet his friends once he arrives at school — stay with him 1-1 down on his level until he says hello to everyone. Don’t make it a chore, but simply help him do it in a good way, and again — give lots of praise. And when he gets home, reinforce the positive steps he took during school that day, and practice “how we say hello” to others at school.
Please talk with the teacher(s) about the issue and ask for their help and guidance and suggestions. Good teachers will have come across this before (many times!) and will not be put off by it or scold him for it. And be happy that he’s a sociable little guy!
Hang in there and let us know how it goes.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
How to Talk to Kids: A Great Book
Our 6-year-old is in the throes of a really anxious phase. He often needs to be reassured about where we are, even if we’re all just in the house. He’s afraid to go to sleep at night. And he’s terrified of “ET”, a classic we allowed the babysitter to show the kids one night. You’d think my shrink-training would help in these situations, but often it doesn’t. You know how it goes: When it comes to your own kids, rational knowledge goes out the window.
Intellectually, I remind myself that 6-year-olds aren’t rational creatures yet. They can’t hang on to the logical reassurances we give them. They haven’t reached the stage where logic “sticks” in their minds. In many ways, they’re still like preschoolers; apt to live in the “magical world” of fantasy, imagination, and fears.
But when he’s scared out of his wits, part of me wants to scream, “Snap out of it! We’re not leaving you, we never have, and we never will! Enough, already, and go to sleep!”
So I’m calling in reinforcements. I’ve pulled an awesome book off my shelf and am reminded why I think this is one of the world’s best parenting guides. If you haven’t seen it, go spend 10 bucks on Amazon for the paperback version, or check it out of your library. You’ll refer to it again and again (and I promise, I get no “cut” from promoting anything here). It’s called “Between Parent and Child”, by Dr. Haim Ginott. It was first published a million years ago, but it couldn’t be more appropriate today. His sensitivity and approach to dealing with children simply can’t be matched. Reading Ginott again has lifted a weight from my shoulders and reminded me that all will be well with our son, soon enough. It’s also given me lots of good ideas for how to approach this phase-specific anxiety he’s going through.
I hope you enjoy it!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Discipline Techniques for a 3-Year-Old
Dear Dr. Heather,
When my 3-year-old son hits, pushes, or bites me, my husband, or his 6-month old sister, or is throwing things or generally being threatening (he likes to act like a mad dinosaur), our response is to tell him he needs to calm down and spend some time playing quietly in his room. Theoretically, this gives him a chance to calm down, plus teaches him that the consequence of misbehaving is that he doesn’t get to be around the rest of us. He gets to come back downstairs whenever he feels he’s ready to be nice.
In the last week, though, he has started really testing how much he can pinch, slap and otherwise hurt his sister. This culminated in him biting her thumb – HARD. He had missed his nap and it was late afternoon, but otherwise things were calm, we were relaxing in the bedroom, and he had climbed up on the bed to give her a hug. While hugging, he apparently decided to bite her. Thankfully it didn’t break skin, but it was close. Our response was to make him spend the last few hours of the day in his room playing quietly, although we let him come out whenever he had to use the restroom and to join us for dinner. We tried not to be overly dramatic about it, and talked about how he needed to stay in his room because he isn’t allowed to bite or hurt his sister.
What are your thoughts on our discipline approach? Is it ineffective because he gets to play in his room (i.e. is a “naughty chair” a better approach?). I like the idea of having a consequence that is related to the crime – removal from the family area and time alone if you are not behaving as expected toward family members – but only if it works. And the recent biting and acting out makes me wonder, but maybe that’s typical behavior toward a sibling. Also, he is really focused on talking about how I love him even when I’m mad, which of course I confirm and say I love him no matter what, all the time. But I worry we might be messing with his psyche in some unknown way. Okay, so I’m worried about that a lot! Your thoughts are appreciated.
Thanks,
Cherise
Hi Cherise,
I must say that you sound very thoughtful in your approach; your thinking is right on. You seem to have developed a way of thinking through these situations that makes sense, based on your kid. Bravo!
I do think, though, that he’s too young to spend an afternoon in his room; it’s simply too long, at his age. The usual rule of thumb is about one minute of time-out per year of age, so he shouldn’t have more than about 3 minutes in his room. Any more than that is overkill.
His biting should be met by immediate attention to the “bite-ee”, plus an unemotional reminder to him about the rule against “no biting”. He can then be removed for a time out, and when he returns, have him check on the “bite-ee’s” condition. “Check and see if your sister is OK. She us how you can apologize.” Don’t over-react to biting, but make sure your approach is consistent. Overreacting is likely to INCREASE the behavior, so respond unemotionally, but firmly.
His asking about “Do you love me even when I’m mad?” is fine….as long as he’s not using it to distract you from doling out some kind of consequence. I think it’s great to introduce him to the concept that even though you may or may not like his behavior, or even if YOU’RE having a grumpy day (Moms are allowed!)…you love him, no matter what. And that people can get mad at each other, but then get over it; and still love each other the whole time. “Anger” doesn’t equal “loss of love”. That’s a difficult — but important — concept to start conveying to your kids, even in their early years.
In terms of “naughty chair” vs. “time out”…I think it totally depends on your own preferences, the layout of your house, and last but not least….WHAT WORKS BEST for YOUR PARTICULAR KID. For some, a quick trip to the end of a hallway met by a closed door is enough to turn around the behavior. Other kids need longer time outs, or more specific locations that work best. Experiment. GO BY WHAT WORKS…..that’s a BabyShrink theme.
There are also some relevant tips to look over in my “Biting Babies” post; click here to check it out.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
