Archive for the ‘Sibling Rivalry’ Category:
A Granddaughter’s Stress about a New House and a New Baby
Dear Dr. Heather,
My 2-year-old granddaughter is stressed about her new house. Her parents moved a couple of weeks ago, and then her mother had a new baby. Emma seems to “love” her new brother, so I can’t imagine that he is upsetting her. But I am concerned that her mother is not giving Emma new routines in the new house. Emma is overtired and cranky. She is a lovely, intelligent child and I am worried about her. Doesn’t she need routines?
Sometimes it's all too much for a little kid!
Chris
Dear Chris,
It’s tough being a grandma — you can see that your kids (and grandkids) are suffering, but there’s little you can do about it, since you’re not the parent.
But yes, the changes that Emma has experienced are quite pronounced, and even a 2-year-old picks up on all the changes. The new baby is a big part of it, believe me. At times she is thrilled and entertained by the new baby, but deep down she suspects that the baby is the cause of all the problems in her life right now. That’s why we always remind parents to NEVER leave a baby alone with a toddler — no matter how much the toddler “loves” the new baby. Too many “accidents” happen to babies that way. But don’t blame Emma — she really can’t help herself. It’s her age.
And of course you are right that Emma needs routines, as close as possible to the old routines as possible. But right now, with the new baby, all bets are off. Her poor Mom is struggling with the new addition, PLUS a new house, AND being up all night, and so she gets special dispensation to be disorganized and “out of it”. The name of the game now, with your family, is to GET THROUGH IT, in any reasonable way. Let the new routines emerge naturally and support Emma’s parents as much as possible. The better they feel, and the more rest THEY get, the more their own natural instincts will kick in, and they’ll naturally start to establish new routines.
But if there aren’t many routines yet, and Emma is cranky and overtired for a few weeks — it’s OK. We assume that a few weeks’ disruption will naturally return to normal after an adjustment period. If not, talk to Emma’s parents about your concerns, but until then, I would suggest simply supporting the family and being understanding of a cranky toddler. (And after all, grandmas get special dispensation to spoil their granddaughters, especially when they’re a little stressed out, right?)
If things don’t improve in a few weeks, let me know.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Dr. Heather’s Pint-Sized Parent Tip: Easing School Pickups
Today is the first in my series of quick parent tips designed to make your life easier. As a shrink and parent of 4 young kids, I feel your pain — and I’ve worked out some of the wrinkles along the way. I hope you enjoy these — and comment below if you have a question you’d like me to tackle.
Today, I’m picking up my 2 big kids from school, with a baby and preschooler in tow. Sibling rivalry is a common problem, especially after school when everyone is jockeying for your attention. The energy of the house totally changes once the big kids are in the mix. PREVENTION is the key to a smooth afternoon.
Try this:
Greet each kid separately, even if it’s just for a few seconds. Get down on his level for a sincere smile, hug, and as much of a discussion as you can.
RE-GREET the little ones so they don’t feel left out of the special attention given to the big kids. Yeah, I know they’ve had more of you during the day, but it’s still hard to let go and share with the big kids. Give a special few seconds as you strap them back into their car seats.
Music and other media in the car make it tough to decompress and talk after a busy day. Turn it off to bring everyone’s stress level down.
When you get home, limit your computer and phone use to a different time of day. Your kids will ratchet up the activity and noise level when they notice you aren’t “present”. Give them this time with you and your sanity will improve.
Give big praise when siblings get along, and let them know you LOVE when they talk and play nicely after school together. Try to ignore negative behavior…practice the Deep Breath and Look Away approach for copious use. The less attention you give to their antics, and the more you give them props for their good behavior, the better it will get.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Help for a Jealous 3-year-old
There are still more people to thank, as I celebrate the first year of BabyShrink. But questions keep pouring in, so I thought I’d post this one today. It’s from a mom struggling with the “Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde” attitude change in her 3-year-old, following her new baby’s birth:
Hi Dr. Heather!
I have a 3-year-old daughter and a 2-month-old son. I was working full-time and had my daughter in daycare (where she was the apple of everyone’s eye) up until a few months ago. I stopped working and pulled her out of daycare to spend some “quality time” with her before the baby arrived.
Things were great for the first week or so, and then everything went downhill. I was trying to keep up with daycare by drawing with her, teaching her the alphabet, numbers, and how to write her name and other small words. She had fun in the beginning, but would start to become very upset and not want to have anything to do with it. She also started this “shy” thing. She hides behind me when we go anywhere and doesn’t want to talk to family…she tells them she is shy. All of this has led to a lot of frustration between the two of us. I can’t understand why she clammed up all of a sudden and have begun to lose my patience. She, obviously, doesn’t understand why I am frustrated, which has made it an endless cycle of irritation between us.
After our son arrived, and she began to realize he needs attention as well (I include her with everything I possibly can), life became even more rough for her. She basically does anything for attention, positive or negative. I decided to enroll her in a Montessori school just to get her out of the house and interacting with others again (and I needed some sanity after sleepless nights). This has turned into a chore as well. Getting ready in the mornings is a nightmare. She is the happiest child alive when she first wakes up…then as soon as I try to get her into the morning routine…her world turns upside down. “I don’t like this.” “I don’t want to do that.” I mean…she can’t even get herself dressed in the mornings! I am also concerned that she is doing everything backwards, upside down, and inside out. Letters, numbers, clothes, shoes…you name it. Is this an early sign of a learning disability? Could this be the root of our problems? The frustration just builds and builds.
I don’t know what to do. I try to nurse my 2-month-old before she wakes up so I can spend some time with her in the mornings (just us)…but everything just blows up in my face.
I love my daughter to pieces and want life to be happy again for her. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!
G.
Hi G.,
I’ve been there myself. Your little angel becomes a terror when a new baby arrives on the scene. You try hard to arrange for some rare “special attention”, but they throw it back in your face. And your daughter is old enough to know which buttons to push to get you upset.
But don’t forget that kids REGRESS when a new baby comes on the scene. They also famously behave way worse for you, as opposed to a teacher. So your plans for “keeping up the schooling” after she came home were perhaps doomed to fail.
Getting ready in the morning (or NOT) is also a famous 3-year-old strategy for making parents nuts. So please don’t worry that your daughter is unusual or abnormal — she’s not at all, from what you tell me. (Of course I can’t evaluate her myself, so take what I say with a grain of salt, and check with her pediatrician to make sure).
All you can do is DIAL BACK YOUR EXPECTATIONS, try to EMPATHIZE WITH HER SITUATION, and try to TAKE THE EMOTION OUT OF YOUR REACTION TO HER. This doesn’t mean you should allow her to monopolize every situation; she needs to remember how to wait her turn and share. But you have to go back several steps in the “lesson plan” for her behavior. She’s been hit by a ton of bricks, in terms of a new baby on the scene, and she’s old enough to understand how much it jeopardizes her previous place in the sun.
You, as well, are in a different place — you’re exhausted with a new baby, and upset with your daughter. HANG IN THERE. This is sort of a “do whatever works” time. I know you want — and need — some kind of routine and predictability, but right now, you just need to get through each day as reasonably as possible. If she wears her pajamas to Montessori once in awhile — so what? If she’s late sometimes — so what? She’s only 3.
Focus on what she IS doing right. Praise her mightily when she behaves “like a big girl who knows how to wait for her turn so nicely”. Make her into your “helper” with her brother, and point out what she is able to do — and what he’s NOT yet able to do. When she regresses into a tantrumming 2-year-old, take a deep breath and try not to over-react. YES, she knows better, but she’s just not capable of it that second. Don’t take it personally, just deal with her as a 2-year-old in that moment. And when she’s a little angel again, don’t hold a grudge, even if she was a little devil only a minute ago (easier said than done, I know, but keep trying).
About her doing everything backwards and inside-out; it’s tough to say, but usually we don’t diagnose a formal learning problem until second grade. She’s obviously upset with you, and she knows it makes you upset when she does things backwards. So again, dial back your expectations and let that stuff go for awhile. You will have plenty of formal schooling time and firm rules for school in her future, but relax while she’s still in preschool. Try to get in some fun “big girl time” when she is open to it, but don’t put the pressure on her that “the baby is asleep and so we have to make the most of our time together!” If it happens, it happens. If not, maybe next time.
HANG IN THERE, and let us know how it goes.
Click here for a related post; this on one a 5-year-old who started hitting her new baby brother.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
