Archive for the ‘Sibling Rivalry’ Category:
Help for a Jealous 3-year-old
There are still more people to thank, as I celebrate the first year of BabyShrink. But questions keep pouring in, so I thought I’d post this one today. It’s from a mom struggling with the “Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde” attitude change in her 3-year-old, following her new baby’s birth:
Hi Dr. Heather!
I have a 3-year-old daughter and a 2-month-old son. I was working full-time and had my daughter in daycare (where she was the apple of everyone’s eye) up until a few months ago. I stopped working and pulled her out of daycare to spend some “quality time” with her before the baby arrived.
Things were great for the first week or so, and then everything went downhill. I was trying to keep up with daycare by drawing with her, teaching her the alphabet, numbers, and how to write her name and other small words. She had fun in the beginning, but would start to become very upset and not want to have anything to do with it. She also started this “shy” thing. She hides behind me when we go anywhere and doesn’t want to talk to family…she tells them she is shy. All of this has led to a lot of frustration between the two of us. I can’t understand why she clammed up all of a sudden and have begun to lose my patience. She, obviously, doesn’t understand why I am frustrated, which has made it an endless cycle of irritation between us.
After our son arrived, and she began to realize he needs attention as well (I include her with everything I possibly can), life became even more rough for her. She basically does anything for attention, positive or negative. I decided to enroll her in a Montessori school just to get her out of the house and interacting with others again (and I needed some sanity after sleepless nights). This has turned into a chore as well. Getting ready in the mornings is a nightmare. She is the happiest child alive when she first wakes up…then as soon as I try to get her into the morning routine…her world turns upside down. “I don’t like this.” “I don’t want to do that.” I mean…she can’t even get herself dressed in the mornings! I am also concerned that she is doing everything backwards, upside down, and inside out. Letters, numbers, clothes, shoes…you name it. Is this an early sign of a learning disability? Could this be the root of our problems? The frustration just builds and builds.
I don’t know what to do. I try to nurse my 2-month-old before she wakes up so I can spend some time with her in the mornings (just us)…but everything just blows up in my face.
I love my daughter to pieces and want life to be happy again for her. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!
G.
Hi G.,
I’ve been there myself. Your little angel becomes a terror when a new baby arrives on the scene. You try hard to arrange for some rare “special attention”, but they throw it back in your face. And your daughter is old enough to know which buttons to push to get you upset.
But don’t forget that kids REGRESS when a new baby comes on the scene. They also famously behave way worse for you, as opposed to a teacher. So your plans for “keeping up the schooling” after she came home were perhaps doomed to fail.
Getting ready in the morning (or NOT) is also a famous 3-year-old strategy for making parents nuts. So please don’t worry that your daughter is unusual or abnormal — she’s not at all, from what you tell me. (Of course I can’t evaluate her myself, so take what I say with a grain of salt, and check with her pediatrician to make sure).
All you can do is DIAL BACK YOUR EXPECTATIONS, try to EMPATHIZE WITH HER SITUATION, and try to TAKE THE EMOTION OUT OF YOUR REACTION TO HER. This doesn’t mean you should allow her to monopolize every situation; she needs to remember how to wait her turn and share. But you have to go back several steps in the “lesson plan” for her behavior. She’s been hit by a ton of bricks, in terms of a new baby on the scene, and she’s old enough to understand how much it jeopardizes her previous place in the sun.
You, as well, are in a different place — you’re exhausted with a new baby, and upset with your daughter. HANG IN THERE. This is sort of a “do whatever works” time. I know you want — and need — some kind of routine and predictability, but right now, you just need to get through each day as reasonably as possible. If she wears her pajamas to Montessori once in awhile — so what? If she’s late sometimes — so what? She’s only 3.
Focus on what she IS doing right. Praise her mightily when she behaves “like a big girl who knows how to wait for her turn so nicely”. Make her into your “helper” with her brother, and point out what she is able to do — and what he’s NOT yet able to do. When she regresses into a tantrumming 2-year-old, take a deep breath and try not to over-react. YES, she knows better, but she’s just not capable of it that second. Don’t take it personally, just deal with her as a 2-year-old in that moment. And when she’s a little angel again, don’t hold a grudge, even if she was a little devil only a minute ago (easier said than done, I know, but keep trying).
About her doing everything backwards and inside-out; it’s tough to say, but usually we don’t diagnose a formal learning problem until second grade. She’s obviously upset with you, and she knows it makes you upset when she does things backwards. So again, dial back your expectations and let that stuff go for awhile. You will have plenty of formal schooling time and firm rules for school in her future, but relax while she’s still in preschool. Try to get in some fun “big girl time” when she is open to it, but don’t put the pressure on her that “the baby is asleep and so we have to make the most of our time together!” If it happens, it happens. If not, maybe next time.
HANG IN THERE, and let us know how it goes.
Click here for a related post; this on one a 5-year-old who started hitting her new baby brother.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Sibling Rivalry is Alive and Well
Of the tons of emailed questions you’ve sent me, one main theme is coming through loud and clear: SIBLING RIVALRY.
Dear BabyShrink,
I thought our five-year-old daughter Emma was doing great with her baby brother, but she has hit him twice. His cries of distress alerted me to what was going on. I want to stop this behavior, but frankly I am stunned by it and don’t know how to help the situation. Both times I had a discussion with her about how the baby is so little and how she could really hurt him even if she didn’t mean to. She replied that she hated him and hated all little babies. I told her that she still should never hit a baby. BTW, she loves little babies, I just think it’s her own flesh and blood she’s having the problem with. Needless to say, I am not leaving her alone with him after the second incident.
What really breaks my heart is when Emma tells me, "I need you, Mommy". She misses me and I miss our time together; I just returned from a visit with the baby to my aunt in Florida. I did tell her that her baby brother is getting bigger and bigger and will be more fun and take less of my time.
Emma has a sister who is 17 months younger, who has accepted her little brother it seems without problems.
Help ~~
Dara
Hi, Dara,
I think Emma should be given a medal for her great verbalization of her feelings. Yes, it’s true! I wish ALL 5-year-olds could tell us so clearly how they’re feeling. Probably not what you wanted to hear. But I am MUCH more worried about the kids who look like little angels all the time…but have secret plans up their sleeves. The kids who keep it all bottled up often have more trouble later on.
Little ones have incredibly powerful emotions, ones that are still unchecked. As they get older, they learn more “socially appropriate” expressions of them. A great deal of development comes along to mute and contain those feelings as they get older. But for now…watch out, and don’t be surprised.
But of course, you can’t allow hitting. Never. Give her the opportunity, regularly, to explain how hard it is to be a big sister, to not one, but TWO siblings! I mean, I bet she did great with the first, but this one is really too much for her! 
Empathize with her feelings; how the younger ones mess up her things, take away your attention, and get to go on trips. Sometimes it really stinks! Letting her have the space to verbalize her aggressive feelings will lessen her need to act it out physically.
Help her control herself by not letting her alone with the baby, as you’ve already done, but don’t make her feel like a criminal for it. "I know sometimes you get mad at Baby, and the feeling to hit is so strong, but we don’t allow hitting in our family, so I will keep you with me so that I can help you use your words about it, instead of hitting."
You can also talk to her about how you know she needs you, and you will always be there for her, even if you have to take care of the babies. Try to plan something special with her now – nothing fancy, like a regular weekly trip to the grocery store, even just 30 minutes, while the other kids are with Dad or someone else. Say, "I need you to come with me on our special weekly trip to find some good fruit for the house for the week! You are getting so good at picking fruit!" or something. It does not need to involve anything "special", beyond regular, predictable time with you.
The other thing: when the baby gets bigger, in many ways he will be MORE of a pain to her, since he will be mobile, getting into her stuff, and requiring even more from you. So don’t set her up too much to be loving that! I think in many ways, the 10-20 month age is the hardest; they require so much direct supervision, since they are mobile, but not really trustworthy yet!
I promise, a fierce and wonderful love will grow between them, despite all of this, especially if you can help them manage their aggressive feelings towards each other.
I love Dr. Brazelton’s approach to these issues, so for more see his book on sibling rivalry.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
