Transitioning Your Toddler from Co-Sleeper to Crib-Sleeper
He’ll only sleep with us!
Or maybe you just accidentally fell into having baby sleep in your bed. Lots of babies don’t sleep well in the first year, and we’re so tired that we’re willing to do anything to get a little rest. Plus, it really can be dee-lish to snooze with that little sweetie right there.
But eventually, your little baby grows — into a toddler. And realizes that she can 1) keep herself awake on demand, 2) insist on nursing constantly through the night, and 3) crawl, climb and play all over Mom and Dad, who are trying (in vain) to sleep.
So I get a lot of desperate emails from readers like Amy who are re-thinking the Attachment Parenting thing. Maybe not the WHOLE thing, but the “not getting any sleep at night after umpteen months” thing. Is it possible to transition a toddler OUT of your bed, and INTO her own crib? (Or is a toddler bed in your room better?)
This is such a complicated situation that I’m devoting an entire chapter in my book to it. But until that’s available, here are some things to consider:
- Toddlers don’t associate cribs with “jails” or “cages”, as some might suggest. That’s an adult projection. Toddlers feel relieved to have a safe, cozy, predictable place of their own to retreat to, after a long day toddling, climbing, and falling.
- Letting a toddler have free access to your room (or the whole house) at night while co-sleeping (or sleeping in a toddler bed in your room) is enough to cause most parents to sleep with “one eye open”. Too much freedom, not enough sleep — and maybe not safe, I say.
- Parents who aren’t getting much sleep after many, many months risk SERIOUS health consequences (think: life and death), plus the obvious negative impact on the relationship. Parents need some sleep to stay healthy and sane — plus their own time — together — to be “on the same page” and have a strong relationship. Even babies and toddlers can absorb — and accept — this message.
But how to do it? This depends on your family’s needs, the setup of your home, and your kiddo’s temperament. If you’re struggling with this, let me know. We can problem-solve in the comments section.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
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More Proof That CIO Is OK
Don’t flame the messenger, but here’s more proof that SOME nighttime crying won’t harm your baby — and actually may help the whole family by boosting mom’s mental health. A big shout-out to mom’s health advocate Katherine Stone for being on-record about this hot-button issue. She risks the backlash that I’ve experienced here, but she does it for the health and well-being of families and babies. Kudos to you, Katherine!
The bottom line is this: Neglect, hostility, and abuse DO hurt babies. Blowing off some steam to settle down for a better night’s sleep DOESN’T. Of course, individual personalities and circumstances make a difference: Pick up and comfort your baby if she’s sick, super-scared, or if she has an unusually sensitive temperament (or, if you have a crying/barfer, like one of my kiddos. Who wants to be up all night AND clean a barfy crib?) If you want to argue, argue with the respected journal that published the research today, Pediatrics.
Judging parents for their reasonable decisions about their own children is NOT good for families and babies. So hurray for more proof that this controversial parenting decision doesn’t deserve the attacks it often gets. Parents and children who get more sleep are happier AND healthier. That’s nothing to cry about.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
Dr. Heather’s First Live TV Appearance
Mahalo to Jill and the gang at KITV!
Despite awakening at 4 am with bloodshot eyes from an allergy attack (perfect for HDTV, right?) — I was psyched to head down to KITV yesterday morning to talk story with the gang about parenting. So mahalo to Jill Kuramoto for inviting me, and a big aloha to Mahealani Richardson, Moanike’ala Nabarro, and Yasmin Dar for making me feel so at home in the studio. Looking forward to seeing you all again next month!
Here’s the link: Dr. Heather on KITV — January 17, 2012
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
“Crying It Out”: Acceptable — or Abuse?
Sometimes I need a good cry before a nap, too.
One of the most primitive, innate reactions any mom has is to comfort her crying child. But as we’ve talked about here before, many babies can tolerate — and thrive — with some crying, when their parents thoughtfully decide why and when that might be necessary.
That’s why articles like this leave me mystified — especially when they come from one of my shrink colleagues. Her bottom line is that CIO is dangerous. She trots out all the old arguments, hailing the Dr. Sears “science” behind her claims, and providing one of the most common misinterpretations of infant research. She makes the mistake that clinical research findings about abused and maltreated babies — babies who were pervasively denied their needs over the long-term — should be applied to NORMAL babies in NORMAL families.
The fact is, there is no evidence whatsoever that occasional CIO in typically developing babies causes any damage. PERIOD.
More importantly, there IS evidence that severely sleep-deprived mothers are at much higher risk of developing an already common –and dangerous — condition: postpartum depression. And PPD certainly CAN lead to long-term damage to both baby — and the entire family. CIO is a method that, when implemented thoughtfully, can often lead to improved sleep (and health and happiness) for everyone.
Firebombs like those thrown in the Psychology Today article only make the burden heavier on moms. What a shame.
Aloha as always,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
PS: Wow, what a response! After commenting here, please also see the comments developing over at the Fussy Baby Site.
BabyGeek: Infant Sleep “Rules” Don’t Work
I’ve been sleep deprived since April 2001, when our oldest was born. Since then, I’ve tried every “trick” in the parenting book. And nothing seems effective at “making” my
Ah, sweet sleep
kids sleep better. They’ve all evolved into being better sleepers over time.
That’s why I’m so interested in the line of research discussed in this study. Penn State scientists found — despite common parenting advice — that parents’ EMOTIONAL response to their children at bedtime was much more successful than any specific behavioral “trick” in getting children to sleep.
As a shrink, I tell parents that babies absorb their emotional messages. Parents are often surprised when I tell them that even the youngest babies sense their emotions — but it’s true.
In the shrinking world, we’ve been struggling internally for years over the predominant theoretical orientation — Behaviorism, and its spin-offs — and the power it holds over the way we do our work. Those of us who work with very young children understand that simple behavioral and operant conditioning simply doesn’t apply with the little ones. That’s why “Ferberizing” and related approaches are often ineffective. FIRST, babies need to feel emotionally (and physically) safe. Other learning can proceed from there. But sleep is an inherently scary proposition, and often triggers resistance and regression in children. It’s a weird and scary thing to transition into a sleep state.
So the fundamental message of this research at Penn State is both obvious to me — and very reassuring — as an Early Childhood specialist. I’m eager to see what else they discover in this line of inquiry, and I’ll be sure to share it with you.
Here’s a link to some of my “getting to sleep” advice. What’s yours?
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Sleep, Toddlers, and Mental Health (Hopefully, Not Mutually Exclusive)
Dear Holly,
It’s very common for toddlers to start waking in the middle of the night after transitioning to a bed. That’s why I always recommend WAITING to give up the crib as long as possible. But don’t worry: Your late-night party-girl will remember how to sleep through the night — with your help.
During the day, remind her that it’s her job to sleep when it’s dark outside — plus, Mommy and Daddy get grouchy when she wakes them up at night. Everyone needs their sleep to be healthy.
Adopt the “broken record” approach — she needs to stay in bed. Lights out. Time to sleep. If she gets up or makes a ruckus, calmly guide her back to bed and repeat the rules. Don’t get emotional, don’t turn on the lights, don’t talk much, and certainly don’t offer any food, drinks, or TV.
It may take a zillion or so reminders (or just a few, depending on her personality), but eventually her internal clock will win out and she’ll start to sleep again — as long as YOU’RE consistent in your approach. And when she DOES sleep through the night again, congratulate her for a job well done in the morning, and tell her how great YOU feel after having a good night’s sleep!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
When Your Toddler Looks Tired — But Won’t Nap
You KNOW she's tired.
It was 2 pm, and my toddler STILL hadn’t gone down for her nap. Routines were followed, milk was drunk, and the house was quiet (no small feat around here, I assure you). She was rubbing her eyes, complaining — but plowing ahead. Throwing her little arms in the air, she was chanting, “Up! Up!”
Some of you are pretty mellow about your toddler’s nap schedule. But I’m the type who has to have “mellow” beaten into me with the stick of experience. “Toddlers are supposed to nap. Go to sleep, toddler of mine.”
Not always that easy, is it? Turns out, none of my 4 babies ever read the Weissbluth or Ferber books, and they totally failed the “How Many Hours Per Day Babies Need To Sleep” test. They didn’t follow those rules, and I was left fretting that something was wrong (and trying to soothe an overtired baby).
But guess what? I’m up at 3 am writing this post. Why? I can’t sleep. I did my nighty-night routine, but my BabyShrink work beckoned me from bed. Your baby has important work to do, too. Sometimes, it’s more important than sleep.
But what does a poor parent do with an obviously sleepy (but not napping) toddler?
Here on my 4th baby, I’ve discovered some important truths about nap schedules:
* The best-followed routine doesn’t always work. Sometimes a nap simply isn’t in the cards.
* Yes, an over-tired toddler sometimes means a cranky and difficult afternoon. But often, your toddler can rally and make the most out of the day.
* Toddlers are notoriously wacky about following nap schedules — some more than others. Focus on nighttime sleep, and an earlier bedtime when there’s no nap.
* Some parents attempt to hang on to that second nap for too long. If she used to be a good napper and now isn’t, experiment with dropping the nap.
* Yes, I know: Sleep is important to a baby’s brain. But as with food, parents need to focus on the overall amount, over time. A bad day ( or week) of sleep isn’t going to do any lasting damage (except to us).
Now it’s off to bed for me. If you’re still awake, go and read more about your toddler’s sleep challenges here.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
Her Toddler Quit Sleeping
Reader Allie emailed me a couple of questions about her 15-month-old Jack*. Not so cute at 3 am
And Jack’s Dad wasn’t so hip on it either. He was of the belief that “tough love” was in order (as was Jack’s pediatrician), and again in desperation, Allie tried it with Jack. After three hours of crying (and barfing all over himself and his crib), Allie had enough. No “CIO” for this baby.
After weeks of this, poor Allie was totally blotto from the accumulated sleep deprivation. My emailed suggestions didn’t seem to get to the heart of the problem, and so I asked for more information. Turns out that Mom and Dad were having relationship difficulties on top of everything, and they just couldn’t agree on how to handle the nighttime sleep issue. They had just started couple’s therapy, and although the therapist was helpful to them, there was no time to focus on the problems with Jack. Plus, the therapist wasn’t a specialist in babies and young children.
I suggested a Parent Coaching session, so that I could see Allie for myself, get to know her a bit, and have some time to get into the nitty gritty of Jack’s situation. We spent an hour on Skype, going over Jack’s temperament and personality, as well as options Allie hadn’t thought of yet. I gave her detailed information on what is “normal”, sleep-wise, as well as developmentally, for a child Jack’s age. This helped decrease her fear that something was really “wrong” with Jack. Also, Allie was upset that Dad wasn’t seeing things exactly the same as she was. I carefully side-stepped the relationship issues, focusing on helping Allie to understand that different parental attitudes CAN WORK with children. We created a plan that both parents could agree on, with the goal of helping EVERYONE get better sleep.
The “nuts and bolts” of the plan weren’t anything fancy or unusual. But the fact that we had the time to really put our heads together to make a plan — a plan that would work for Mom, Dad, AND Jack — made it simple, but powerfully effective. And although I’m not necessarily against CIO in every case, I knew it was off the table for this family — so we worked out a different plan. I was excited to receive an emailed update from Allie this weekend, letting me know that Jack was back to his old good-sleeping self (and more importantly, so was SHE).
If you can relate just a little too well to Allie, you’ve come to the right place. I’m including a link to one of my most popular Sleep posts here, to get you started. If my sleep posts aren’t enough, shoot me an email (BabyShrink@gmail.com) or hit the “Parent Coaching Packages” button up on the top of the page to complete the form. I’ll be happy to chat or Skype with you, too, to help you FINALLY get some sleep!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
*Allie asked me to keep her name, and that of her child, private — these aren’t their real names. But their experiences are real.
Sweet Sleep Success
It’s hard to believe, but 6 weeks ago I was in agony, being awakened 6 or 7 times a night by a 7-month-old baby who seemed desperate to nurse each and every hour over night. I was at DefCon 7, or 8, or 47, or whatever the highest possible number might be for Maternal Sleep Deprivation. Worse, this is our 4th baby. My fantasies of finally getting a baby who was a good sleeper were shot to hell, and I was MAD.
YES!!!
Going the “babywearing” route — responding to every need — wasn’t working — it was making things worse. So I undertook the most rigorous “Sleep Training” program I’ve tried yet. And it worked.
Now, I’m not advocating that you try Sleep Training — and by that, I mean some variation on the “Let Them Cry Longer Than You Normally Would” theme. No, please don’t take this as something I’m necessarily advising you to do. Just hear me out for a minute:
Some babies do very well with “babywearing” and co-sleeping. Mine don’t. They either get all aggravated with the extra body contact — they want to be “free” — or think sleeping with Mommy and Daddy means fun playtime all night long. It seems they want to sleep in their cribs, because they’re wonderfully well-adjusted (and much more well-rested when they finally “get it”), but they need help in “getting it”.
So I used my Shrink’s Crystal Ball and devised a perfect sleep plan just for her that worked immediately. Hah! I wish. No, seriously, I thought about her specific age (7 months), her temperament (loud and excitable, but resilient and forgiving), and our family’s needs (3 older kids who need to have a reasonably quiet house at night plus 2 working parents), and went from there. It was 6-ish weeks, with 2 or 3 of them being fairly challenging, but I am happy to say that the plan has worked fabulously well. Miss Nighttime Partier is now sleeping 10-11 hours at night.
This combination: Your baby’s age, temperament, plus your family’s needs, all get put into my formula for improving any parenting problem with your baby — not just sleep. It’s a personalized approach that goes way beyond a checklist that you might find in a parenting magazine. It’s developed for you and your family. That’s the basis for my Parent Coaching service that I’m preparing to offer online, and I’m really excited to be able to help families far beyond my little island home out here in the Pacific.
So stay tuned for more details on BabyShrink Parent Coaching, and in the meantime, comment or email me for more specifics on your little nighttime partier.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Why Your 9-Month-Old Baby Is So Difficult All Of A Sudden
I had an amazing conversation with one of the world’s foremost infant researchers last week, Dr. Joseph Campos. He’s at Berkeley, where he’s churned out tons of scientifically rigorous studies about the developmental changes in infancy. He’s come up with some transformative ideas about babies, the upshot of one being that crawling causes your baby to become your little social partner, for the first time. No longer just a passive lump in the social world, now she’s able to start to understand some of what’s going on inside your mind. She understands how important you are to her, and seeks your emotional support, presence and encouragement as she starts to scoot out into the world under her own power. She now gets reassurance from your presence and your emotions — your facial expressions and body language — not just from physically holding her.
Super Cute, and Super Challenging
So to you fellow parents of 9 to 12-month-old babies out there: I know it can be a challenging, difficult stage. Your little bug seems content to scramble around the house one minute, then wails in panic the next. What used to be stable sleep habits are now in a shambles. Feeding –and nursing — has become an unpredictable struggle — and separations are exceptionally difficult. And forget diaper changes! What a wrestling match! Immmobility is the enemy to her now — being restrained in any way is bound to be a fight. High chairs, strollers and car seats are demon baby torture devices. They keep her from exploring her brave new world.
What to do? Re-think your daily tasks with this knowledge in mind. Everything will take a little longer, as your baby goes through this unpredictable (but temporary) stage. Some days she may need you constantly. But don’t worry — when you’ve finally reached the end of your rope with your little Clingon, she’ll start to feel “refueled”, and venture out again — allowing you to catch up on that laundry and email. And make sure you get some help with nighttime wakenings — you’ll need extra rest too, since you’re up again with a fussy baby — but don’t forget to reinforce the sleep routines that have worked well in the past. She’ll eventually remember what her job is, at night — and now that her memory is better, she can hold on to her internal image of you a bit longer, giving her some comfort, despite being away from you to sleep. Feel some reassurance knowing that the earlier — and stronger — your baby shows separation anxiety, the sooner it resolves. Lots of parental support and understanding help her get through this challenging — but remarkable — stage.
Dr. Campos was generous and encouraging in my BabyShrink book-writing project, and I had a blast geeking out with him, picking his brain about the amazing new developmental capacities in normal 9-month-old babies. What a great experience! Now, please excuse me — I’ve got a 9-month-old baby clinging to my leg.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Mom of Four, Parenting Expert
Aloha, I’m Dr. Heather
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