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Dear BabyShrink,

I have a son who will be 4 in April.  Recently he has
taken to laughing at us when we get mad at him. He despises doing
anything he is asked to do and will cry and carry on until he gets his way.
I know giving in is wrong but the tantrums become unbearable sometimes.
In the last 2 weeks there has been the added stress of dealing with
the death of my father. I’m willing to give my son space and time to
grieve the way I imagine a 3 almost 4 year old would, but it’s taking a toll
on my stress level and I don’t want his behavior to escalate into
something bigger that we have no chance of getting our arms around.
Please help!

Signed,

Karla, MN

Hi Karla,

I’m so sorry about your loss. I can certainly relate, having lost my own
father a few years back, with little ones at home too. First, know that ittle kids really don’t understand death at
ALL until they’re 7 or older. You can’t do anything about that, it’s just their
level of cognitive development.  If your son and Dad were close, you can talk to him
about "We won’t see Grandpa for a long long time", but ONLY if your son brings it
up.  Follow his lead.  Don’t assume that he is suffering….or not.

Most likely he is upset by the adult emotions that must be
strong around the house nowadays. That’s inescapable of course; but you
can try to give yourself room and have supportive people around for YOU…away
from your son, so he does not have to get upset by YOUR being upset.  When
you feel OK, you can talk calmly to him about it, in very short, simple
sentences; just a little sound-bite at a time.  But focus on reassuring him that
you are ok, and he is ok, and the family and house have rules, and that
they have to be followed by everyone.

In terms of his behavior, hold the line.  He is testing you partly because
he sees that you’re down.  He is wondering:  "What happens when
Mommy is upset?  Can I get away with things now…..and will things fall
apart?" He’s pushing the limits to
see if he’s safe, and if you’re OK.  I bet a few days of consistent
expectations, and consequences, will set him on a better path. 

– Heather

Dear BabyShrink,

Our three-year-old son is a great kid, but lately he has been playing this annoying little game: he
orders us around, telling us what to do and how to do it, with really
specific orders like “Mommy has to sit on the orange rug! Put your feet here, not there!” He gets really mad if we don’t do it his way. I have nightmares about where this is going. Is he becoming a bully? How do we handle this?

Your little tyrant is showing you in no uncertain terms that his budding superego is in a fever-pitch of development.

At this age, toddlers are struggling to master their bodies and their environment. They feel a flush of power, since they can now use their words and bodies to control what people do. They really enjoy play-acting, and that’s a wonderful and important part of being three. A three-year-old gets lost in the imaginative process, and we want them to learn from and enjoy play-acting. And they don’t yet feel the pull of what is socially OK. But
the tiny superego is blossoming; the internal sense of mommy and daddy,
deciding what is right, what is wrong, what is allowed, and what isn’t. The superego is still very primitive at age three; very black-and-white, “my way or the highway”. It’s
really common to see three-year-olds behaving like little tyrants,
ordering people around, trying out their new dictatorial tendencies.

So what’s a parent to do? It’s our job to help the little dictator get a taste of democracy; or at least accept the role of Vice President. Help him learn the rules of give and take, taking turns, and asking nicely. These
skills take years to develop, but this is a really important time to
lay the foundation of how your little one will respond to, and create,
rules and order in his life.

Next time Junior starts ordering you around, play with it a bit, but with the ultimate idea in mind that YOU are the boss. If you have time to play, go ahead and follow his rules and orders. But sneak in little requests, like, “oh, that works better when you say please”. Or, “Now that you made me dump out these blocks, let’s clean them up, let’s take turns seeing who can get the blocks into the bin!” If you don’t have time to play, or if he’s asking you to do things that aren’t nice, safe, or allowed, remember: you’re the parent, and he’s counting on you to know better. Say, “I know you want me to jump out the window, but that’s not allowed. We’d get hurt. Let’s jump up and down instead.”

If he throws a tantrum, that’s OK. (Read this post for more on dealing with tantrums.) He’s upset that he’s not the boss — but deep down, he’s also relieved. And over time, with your help, that primitive, controlling little superego of his won’t be quite so tough.

Turns out Johnny Depp is a lot more than a fantastic actor; he’s also an armchair psychologist. On a recent appearance with David Letterman, Depp said this about his kids:

“Living with young children is like hanging around with miniature drunks. You have to hold on to them. They bump into things. They laugh. They cry. They urinate. They vomit…”

Accurate comparison? Absolutely. In fact, Depp’s comment has striking relevance to an issue thousands of frustrated parents confront every day – “How can I get my child to stop having tempter tantrums?”

Your Toddler is a Drunk. Kind of.
Think about Depp’s analogy. Alcoholics exhibit some distinct behavioral and physical signs – many of them quite similar to the actions of a toddler:

•    They are impaired in their ability to make decisions
•    They have difficulty controlling their bodies, speech, behavior, and emotions
•    They feel happy one minute and the next they are crying inconsolably
•    They slur their words and often forget what they have heard, seen and done
•    They fall down, get into accidents, hit people, break things and embarrass those around them

If that sounds familiar to you, you’re either a parent or a bartender.

You Knew The Job Was Dangerous When You Took It
Toddlers’ brain development is such that their ability to control their behavior, control and understand their feelings, and use logic are barely starting to emerge. We might see our toddler acting patiently one day and screaming, hitting, and acting like Jack Daniels after an all-night whiskey bender the next.

Naturally, this behavior needs to be controlled – and the best way to get a handle on it is to understand your toddler’s frame of mind.

What If You Were a Toddler Too?
Imagine yourself as a two-year-old. Remember how small and powerless and dependent it feels. Being a toddler is HARD, mostly because they are:

•    Unable to make your needs known most of the time
•    Unable to make your body do things that others around you do easily
•    Unable to make grown-ups understand what you had to say
•    Needing help with almost everything.
•    Being overpowered by your emotions overpowered several times a day

Why Your Child Is Acting Like That Girl From The Exorcist
You certainly can’t prevent ALL tantrum triggers, all the time. But you can try to keep them in mind throughout your day with your toddler – and possibly prevent some tantrums as a result. Here are some common situations that can trigger toddler meltdowns:

•    Not enough physical activity during the day
•    Too many “forbidden” things or activities in the environment
•    Frustration at inability to do something (e.g., speech, coordination, dexterity, size)
•    Too many people and/or too much noise in the environment
•    Unfamiliar/disliked people in the environment, especially if they want something from the toddler, like a kiss
•    Major change in routine or environment
•    Sleepiness
•    Hunger/thirst
•    Illness/teething pain/ear infection
•    Potty conflicts and frustrations
•    Parent “tuned out”/busy/not paying attention to what toddler needs
•    Parents trying to accomplish too many “adult” tasks with toddler (e.g., adult conversations)
•    Activity overload (e.g., too much TV)
•    Environment is too active/chaotic (e.g., dinnertime, kids running around, TV on, neighbors coming and going)

A Personal Anecdote: Diffusing Dinnertime Meltdowns
In our house, dinnertime is so noisy and chaotic that it used to lead to nightly meltdowns for our 20-month-old. Now, I try to eat with him, ahead of the rest of the family, so that we can all eat in peace.

Once my husband and kids are ready to eat, I take Tai into the bathroom for a nice long bubble bath, with the door CLOSED, so he is not distracted by all the noise from his older brother and sister. We work on “eating as a family” at other meals, and he will be far more capable of enjoying family dinners when he is a little older and a little less sensitive to the noise and activity of the house. Plus he gets tired at the end of a long day of trying to share with the “big kids”, trying to communicate with us; he’s exhausted and needs a little break to “mellow out” before bedtime. I know this forced family separation every night is just temporary, and it’s certainly worth everyone’s sanity. And since we have been doing this, we have NO nightly tantrums.

Decide What Works For YOU
I’m not suggesting that all toddlers should be separated from their siblings at dinnertime, and I realize this is not practical advice for every family. But what I want to convey to you is that what is really important is that you develop routines for your family that work for you. Every family is different, and every toddler is different. KNOW YOUR CHILD. See how they respond in different situations. When are they feeling good? When do they behave well? When do YOU feel good, as a parent? These things are not random occurrences. There are patterns to your child’s behavior and feelings; there are patterns to YOUR behavior and feelings, and patterns to the rhythm of your family. What are those patterns? Become a detective. Observe. Take notes. Remember.  Put it all together. Here are some questions to keep in mind:

•    When does my toddler behave well?  What times of day?  What situations? With whom?
•    What kinds of things seem to make my toddler angry or have a meltdown?  What changed in the situation just prior to the meltdown?
•    What helps my toddler feel better when she is having a tantrum?  What has worked in the past?  Who is able to help her feel better?
•    What was I doing just prior to my toddler’s meltdown?  How was I feeling?  Was I stressed/distracted/not “present”?

Start paying attention to these things.  Once you do, you will start to suspect certain patterns. You might not be sure if your hunches are correct. That’s OK; like any scientist, you will test your hypotheses. How? By being aware, in the moment, with your toddler; then when you see the pattern start to emerge again, do something to MAKE IT DIFFERENT. 

If there is a certain time of day that makes him fussy and difficult, try to decrease the noise and stimulation at that time.  If there are certain places you go that make him crazy (WalMart, anyone?), don’t take him there! Change it up, and see what happens. Then, you start to have answers.