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Poor reader Jenn wrote in to confess her guilt at giving a swat on the tush to her toddler, worried that she might have psychologically scarred the poor baby for life. I hope you know me well enough by now that of course I don’t condone spanking, and aggression turned on your child is always something to avoid.

But none of us here is perfect, right? I chuckled at this poignantly cute description of a situation we’ve all experienced — losing our tempers after a long day with a challenging toddler — as well as her daughter’s perfect illustration of how little ones learn to handle unusual situations:

Hi Dr. Heather -

Long time reader, etc…. I have two children, a 4-year-old boy and a 17-month-old daughter. Recently, it had been a long day and my kids had been getting on my last nerve. I had the two kids in the bath, and had gotten the older out and toweled off, and then asked the 17 month old to stand and step onto the mat. She thought about it, and started to do it, but refused. I asked her twice more, and she refused, sitting there staring at me. So I told her, “If you don’t get onto the bathmat, I’m going to give you a smack on your bum.” Of course, she just sat there looking at me like, “I’ve always wondered what that is.” So I stood up, gave her a smack on the bum (very symbolic, didn’t even redden the skin), and put her on the mat. She looked like she would cry for 5 seconds or so, but didn’t, and then went on with her night.

On it’s own, that’s pretty much a non-story. Although I do try to be more creative in my parenting than resorting to any kind of hitting, but I obviously wasn’t successful that day.

What I have a question about is that right after that, we were in my older’s room getting him dressed, and while I was busy with that, my youngest lined up all of my oldest’s stuffed animals, bum up, and was giving them bum smacks. OK. And she did this the next day. And the next. And at the library, when I got distracted by something, and turned to find all dozen of the library’s stuffed animals lined up for a bum smacking.

What have I done? Could this have been very traumatic? Any insight you have here would be helpful. I don’t know how you do it with (now) 4 kids – I only have the two, and just keeping my head above water takes up all my time.

Thanks – Jenn

Hi Jenn,

What a great question! I love your depiction of this very common toddler-esque behavior; mimicking behavior that seems emotionally “loaded”.

Now of course you haven’t traumatized her for life, from what you’ve told me. But she has realized that the smack is a powerful thing — and she’s probably picking up on your sense of conflict and guilt about it. (Amazing how they can sense those things in us, huh?) She’s doing what toddlers do — re-enacting confusing or “loaded” situations so that she can figure them out and put them in their place in her mind.

You can talk her through it, when you see her doing it. “Oh boy, seems the Mommy lost her temper and the babies got a smack. Are the babies crying now? Do they feel better now?” You can also add, “Bum smacks aren’t a good idea. In our house, we talk about our problems.” Try to remain “centered”, emotionally, when it comes up — no guilt or pressure, just curiosity and reassurance. And you can apologize for losing your temper, in a sincere but matter-of-fact way. You can also model toys “using their words” when they get upset, too.

Don’t forget, you’re not striving for parenting with perfection, you’re striving to be Good Enough. In fact, the research shows that only about a third of mother’s reactions to their babies are “attuned”. Another third eventually get “repaired” over time, and the rest never do. So the best that any normal baby can expect is about two-thirds of perfection from you at any given time! She’ll receive far more “talking-to” than bum smacks from you, so she’ll get by experience how to handle problems. And the lining up of toys for a good spanking should eventually slow down on it’s own.

Does that help?

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

Jenn wrote back to give me this update:

Dr. Heather,

I did have to have an emergency talk with her, when she escalated to giving us random smacks (like coming up behind me when I was working in the kitchen and giving me a very firm smack on the bum!). And it is hard to sound legitimate telling her that, “in our house, we don’t hit, we use our words” when her memory of getting a bum smack is so vivid. But I did apologize to her for giving a smack before, and explained that I was wrong, and that if we smack someone we need to say we are sorry. She seemed to absorb that (and it’s amazing what all they can actually understand when they can barely talk), and eventually agreed to say she was sorry to smacking us.

Of course, all of our stuffed animals are still living stomach down, but eventually that will pass, I’m sure, and it will just be one of those stories that I’ll remember for later.

Of course, you are welcome to use this for a BabyShrink post. I always like seeing what challenges other people are having, and I’m tickled that I’ll now be in that group.

Thanks! – Jenn

Thanks for the story, Jenn, and for reminding other readers that we can’t strive for perfection, just for Good Enough!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Dear BabyShrink,

I have a son who will be 4 in April.  Recently he has taken to laughing at us when we get mad at him. He despises doing anything he is asked to do and will cry and carry on until he gets his way. I know giving in is wrong but the tantrums become unbearable sometimes. In the last 2 weeks there has been the added stress of dealing with the death of my father. I’m willing to give my son space and time to grieve the way I imagine a 3 almost 4-year-old would, but it’s taking a toll on my stress level and I don’t want his behavior to escalate into something bigger that we have no chance of getting our arms around.

Please help!

Signed,

Karla, MN

Hi Karla,

I’m so sorry about your loss. I can certainly relate, having lost my own father a few years back, with little ones at home too. First, know that little kids really don’t understand death until they’re 7 or older. You can’t do anything about that, it’s just their level of cognitive development.  If your son and Dad were close, you can talk to him about " Grandpa has died and we won’t see him for a long long time", but ONLY if your son brings it up.  Follow his lead.  Don’t assume that he is suffering….or is not.

Most likely he is upset by the adult emotions that must be strong around the house nowadays. That’s inescapable of course; but you can try to give yourself room and have supportive people around for YOU…away from your son, so he does not have to get upset by YOUR being upset.  When you feel OK, you can talk calmly to him about it, in very short, simple sentences; just a little sound-bite at a time.  But focus on reassuring him that you are ok, and he is ok, and the family and house have rules, and that they have to be followed by everyone.

In terms of his behavior, hold the line.  He is testing you partly because he sees that you’re down.  He is wondering:  "What happens when Mommy is upset?  Can I get away with things now…..and will things fall apart?" He’s pushing the limits to see if he’s safe, and if you’re OK.  I bet a few days of consistent expectations, and consequences, will set him on a better path. 

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Dear BabyShrink,

Our three-year-old son is a great kid, but lately he has been playing this annoying little game: he orders us around, telling us what to do and how to do it, with really specific orders like “Mommy has to sit on the orange rug! Put your feet here, not there!” He gets really mad if we don’t do it his way. I have nightmares about where this is going. Is he becoming a bully? How do we handle this?

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Your little tyrant is showing you in no uncertain terms that his budding superego is in a fever-pitch of development.

At this age, toddlers are struggling to master their bodies and their environment. They feel a flush of power, since they can now use their words and bodies to control what people do. They really enjoy play-acting, and that’s a wonderful and important part of being three. A three-year-old gets lost in the imaginative process, and we want them to learn from and enjoy play-acting. And they don’t yet feel the pull of what is socially OK. But the tiny superego is blossoming; the internal sense of mommy and daddy, deciding what is right, what is wrong, what is allowed, and what isn’t. The superego is still very primitive at age three; very black-and-white, “my way or the highway”. It’s really common to see three-year-olds behaving like little tyrants, ordering people around, trying out their new dictatorial tendencies.

So what’s a parent to do? It’s our job to help the little dictator get a taste of democracy; or at least accept the role of Vice President. Help him learn the rules of give and take, taking turns, and asking nicely. These skills take years to develop, but this is a really important time to lay the foundation of how your little one will respond to, and create, rules and order in his life.

Next time Junior starts ordering you around, play with it a bit, but with the ultimate idea in mind that YOU are the boss. If you have time to play, go ahead and follow his rules and orders. But sneak in little requests, like, “oh, that works better when you say please”. Or, “Now that you made me dump out these blocks, let’s clean them up, let’s take turns seeing who can get the blocks into the bin!” If you don’t have time to play, or if he’s asking you to do things that aren’t nice, safe, or allowed, remember: you’re the parent, and he’s counting on you to know better. Say, “I know you want me to jump out the window, but that’s not allowed. We’d get hurt. Let’s jump up and down instead.”

If he throws a tantrum, that’s OK. He’s upset that he’s not the boss — but deep down, he’s also relieved. And over time, with your help, that primitive, controlling little superego of his won’t be quite so tough.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink