Will One Spanking Cause Trauma in My Toddler?
Poor reader Jenn wrote in to confess her guilt at giving a swat on the tush to her toddler, worried that she might have psychologically scarred the poor baby for life. I hope you know me well enough by now that of course I don’t condone spanking, and aggression turned on your child is always something to avoid.
A time out is best, of course.
Hi Dr. Heather -
Long time reader, etc…. I have two children, a 4-year-old boy and a 17-month-old daughter. Recently, it had been a long day and my kids had been getting on my last nerve. I had the two kids in the bath, and had gotten the older out and toweled off, and then asked the 17 month old to stand and step onto the mat. She thought about it, and started to do it, but refused. I asked her twice more, and she refused, sitting there staring at me. So I told her, “If you don’t get onto the bathmat, I’m going to give you a smack on your bum.” Of course, she just sat there looking at me like, “I’ve always wondered what that is.” So I stood up, gave her a smack on the bum (very symbolic, didn’t even redden the skin), and put her on the mat. She looked like she would cry for 5 seconds or so, but didn’t, and then went on with her night.
On it’s own, that’s pretty much a non-story. Although I do try to be more creative in my parenting than resorting to any kind of hitting, but I obviously wasn’t successful that day.
What I have a question about is that right after that, we were in my older’s room getting him dressed, and while I was busy with that, my youngest lined up all of my oldest’s stuffed animals, bum up, and was giving them bum smacks. OK. And she did this the next day. And the next. And at the library, when I got distracted by something, and turned to find all dozen of the library’s stuffed animals lined up for a bum smacking.
What have I done? Could this have been very traumatic? Any insight you have here would be helpful. I don’t know how you do it with (now) 4 kids – I only have the two, and just keeping my head above water takes up all my time.
Thanks – Jenn
Hi Jenn,
What a great question! I love your depiction of this very common toddler-esque behavior; mimicking behavior that seems emotionally “loaded”.
Now of course you haven’t traumatized her for life, from what you’ve told me. But she has realized that the smack is a powerful thing — and she’s probably picking up on your sense of conflict and guilt about it. (Amazing how they can sense those things in us, huh?) She’s doing what toddlers do — re-enacting confusing or “loaded” situations so that she can figure them out and put them in their place in her mind.
You can talk her through it, when you see her doing it. “Oh boy, seems the Mommy lost her temper and the babies got a smack. Are the babies crying now? Do they feel better now?” You can also add, “Bum smacks aren’t a good idea. In our house, we talk about our problems.” Try to remain “centered”, emotionally, when it comes up — no guilt or pressure, just curiosity and reassurance. And you can apologize for losing your temper, in a sincere but matter-of-fact way. You can also model toys “using their words” when they get upset, too.
Don’t forget, you’re not striving for parenting with perfection, you’re striving to be Good Enough. In fact, the research shows that only about a third of mother’s reactions to their babies are “attuned”. Another third eventually get “repaired” over time, and the rest never do. So the best that any normal baby can expect is about two-thirds of perfection from you at any given time! She’ll receive far more “talking-to” than bum smacks from you, so she’ll get by experience how to handle problems. And the lining up of toys for a good spanking should eventually slow down on it’s own.
Does that help?
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
Jenn wrote back to give me this update:
Dr. Heather,
I did have to have an emergency talk with her, when she escalated to giving us random smacks (like coming up behind me when I was working in the kitchen and giving me a very firm smack on the bum!). And it is hard to sound legitimate telling her that, “in our house, we don’t hit, we use our words” when her memory of getting a bum smack is so vivid. But I did apologize to her for giving a smack before, and explained that I was wrong, and that if we smack someone we need to say we are sorry. She seemed to absorb that (and it’s amazing what all they can actually understand when they can barely talk), and eventually agreed to say she was sorry to smacking us.
Of course, all of our stuffed animals are still living stomach down, but eventually that will pass, I’m sure, and it will just be one of those stories that I’ll remember for later.
Of course, you are welcome to use this for a BabyShrink post. I always like seeing what challenges other people are having, and I’m tickled that I’ll now be in that group.
Thanks! – Jenn
Thanks for the story, Jenn, and for reminding other readers that we can’t strive for perfection, just for Good Enough! And if you have a sticky situation with your toddler, I’d love to talk with you personally to help you work it out! I’m offering Skype, phone, or in-person Parent Coaching sessions, starting at $75. Email me at BabyShrink@gmail.com, or fill out the form at the bottom of the Parent Coaching page. Looking forward to it!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Four-Year Olds, Tantrums, and a Death in the Family
Dear BabyShrink,
I have a son who will be 4 in April. Recently he has taken to laughing at us when we get mad at him. He despises doing anything he is asked to do and will cry and carry on until he gets his way. I know giving in is wrong but the tantrums become unbearable sometimes. In the last 2 weeks there has been the added stress of dealing with the death of my father. I’m willing to give my son space and time to grieve the way I imagine a 3 almost 4-year-old would, but it’s taking a toll on my stress level and I don’t want his behavior to escalate into something bigger that we have no chance of getting our arms around.
Please help!
Signed,
Karla, MN
Hi Karla,
I’m so sorry about your loss. I can certainly relate, having lost my own father a few years back, with little ones at home too. First, know that little kids really don’t understand death until they’re 7 or older. You can’t do anything about that, it’s just their level of cognitive development. If your son and Dad were close, you can talk to him about " Grandpa has died and we won’t see him for a long long time", but ONLY if your son brings it up. Follow his lead. Don’t assume that he is suffering….or is not.
Most likely he is upset by the adult emotions that must be strong around the house nowadays. That’s inescapable of course; but you can try to give yourself room and have supportive people around for YOU…away from your son, so he does not have to get upset by YOUR being upset. When you feel OK, you can talk calmly to him about it, in very short, simple sentences; just a little sound-bite at a time. But focus on reassuring him that you are ok, and he is ok, and the family and house have rules, and that they have to be followed by everyone.
In terms of his behavior, hold the line. He is testing you partly because he sees that you’re down. He is wondering: "What happens when Mommy is upset? Can I get away with things now…..and will things fall apart?" He’s pushing the limits to see if he’s safe, and if you’re OK. I bet a few days of consistent expectations, and consequences, will set him on a better path.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
The Little Tyrant
Dear BabyShrink,
Our three-year-old son is a great kid, but lately he has been playing this annoying little game: he orders us around, telling us what to do and how to do it, with really specific orders like “Mommy has to sit on the orange rug! Put your feet here, not there!” He gets really mad if we don’t do it his way. I have nightmares about where this is going. Is he becoming a bully? How do we handle this?
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
Your little tyrant is showing you in no uncertain terms that his budding superego is in a fever-pitch of development.
At this age, toddlers are struggling to master their bodies and their environment. They feel a flush of power, since they can now use their words and bodies to control what people do. They really enjoy play-acting, and that’s a wonderful and important part of being three. A three-year-old gets lost in the imaginative process, and we want them to learn from and enjoy play-acting. And they don’t yet feel the pull of what is socially OK. But the tiny superego is blossoming; the internal sense of mommy and daddy, deciding what is right, what is wrong, what is allowed, and what isn’t. The superego is still very primitive at age three; very black-and-white, “my way or the highway”. It’s really common to see three-year-olds behaving like little tyrants, ordering people around, trying out their new dictatorial tendencies.
So what’s a parent to do? It’s our job to help the little dictator get a taste of democracy; or at least accept the role of Vice President. Help him learn the rules of give and take, taking turns, and asking nicely. These skills take years to develop, but this is a really important time to lay the foundation of how your little one will respond to, and create, rules and order in his life.
Next time Junior starts ordering you around, play with it a bit, but with the ultimate idea in mind that YOU are the boss. If you have time to play, go ahead and follow his rules and orders. But sneak in little requests, like, “oh, that works better when you say please”. Or, “Now that you made me dump out these blocks, let’s clean them up, let’s take turns seeing who can get the blocks into the bin!” If you don’t have time to play, or if he’s asking you to do things that aren’t nice, safe, or allowed, remember: you’re the parent, and he’s counting on you to know better. Say, “I know you want me to jump out the window, but that’s not allowed. We’d get hurt. Let’s jump up and down instead.”
If he throws a tantrum, that’s OK. He’s upset that he’s not the boss — but deep down, he’s also relieved. And over time, with your help, that primitive, controlling little superego of his won’t be quite so tough.
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
Pirates of the Crib-bian
Turns out Johnny Depp is a lot more than a fantastic actor; he’s also an armchair psychologist. On a recent appearance with David Letterman, Depp said this about his kids:
“Living with young children is like hanging around with miniature drunks. You have to hold on to them. They bump into things. They laugh. They cry. They urinate. They vomit…”
Accurate comparison? Absolutely. In fact, Depp’s comment has striking relevance to an issue thousands of frustrated parents confront every day – “How can I get my child to stop having tempter tantrums?”
Your Toddler is a Drunk. Kind of.
Think about Depp’s analogy. Alcoholics exhibit some distinct behavioral and physical signs – many of them quite similar to the actions of a toddler:
• They are impaired in their ability to make decisions
• They have difficulty controlling their bodies, speech, behavior, and emotions
• They feel happy one minute and the next they are crying inconsolably
• They slur their words and often forget what they have heard, seen and done
• They fall down, get into accidents, hit people, break things and embarrass those around them
If that sounds familiar to you, you’re either a parent or a bartender.
You Knew The Job Was Dangerous When You Took It
Toddlers’ brain development is such that their ability to control their behavior, control and understand their feelings, and use logic are barely starting to emerge. We might see our toddler acting patiently one day and screaming, hitting, and acting like Jack Daniels after an all-night whiskey bender the next.
Naturally, this behavior needs to be controlled – and the best way to get a handle on it is to understand your toddler’s frame of mind.
What If You Were a Toddler Too?
Imagine yourself as a two-year-old. Remember how small and powerless and dependent it feels. Being a toddler is HARD, mostly because they are:
• Unable to make their needs known most of the time
• Unable to make their body do things that others around them do easily
• Unable to make grown-ups understand what they need to say
• Needing help with almost everything.
• Being overpowered by their emotions several times a day
Why Your Child Is Acting Like That Girl From The Exorcist
You certainly can’t prevent ALL tantrum triggers, all the time. But you can try to keep them in mind throughout your day with your toddler – and possibly prevent some tantrums as a result.
Here are some common situations that can trigger toddler meltdowns:
• Not enough physical activity during the day
• Too many “forbidden” things or activities in the environment
• Frustration at inability to do something (e.g., speech, coordination, dexterity, size)
• Too many people and/or too much noise in the environment
• Unfamiliar/disliked people in the environment, especially if they want something from the toddler, like a kiss
• Major change in routine or environment
• Sleepiness
• Hunger/thirst
• Illness/teething pain/ear infection
• Potty conflicts and frustrations
• Parent “tuned out”/busy/not paying attention to what toddler needs
• Parents trying to accomplish too many “adult” tasks with toddler (e.g., adult conversations)
• Activity overload (e.g., too much TV)
• Environment is too active/chaotic (e.g., dinnertime, kids running around, TV on, neighbors coming and going)
A Personal Anecdote: Diffusing Dinnertime Meltdowns
In our house, dinnertime is so noisy and chaotic that it used to lead to nightly meltdowns for our 20-month-old. Now, I try to eat with him, ahead of the rest of the family, so that we can all eat in peace.
Once my husband and “the big kids” are ready to eat, I take Tai into the bathroom for a nice long bubble bath, with the door CLOSED, so he is not distracted by all the noise from his older brother and sister. We work on “eating as a family” at other meals, and he will be far more capable of enjoying family dinners when he is a little older and a little less sensitive to the noise and activity of the house. Plus he gets tired at the end of a long day of trying to share with the “big kids”, trying to communicate with us; he’s exhausted and needs a little break to “mellow out” before bedtime. I know this forced family separation every night is just temporary, and it’s certainly worth everyone’s sanity. And since we have been doing this, we have NO nightly tantrums.
Decide What Works For YOU
I’m not suggesting that all toddlers should be separated from their siblings at dinnertime, and I realize this is not practical advice for every family. But what is really important is that you develop routines for your family that work for you. Every family is different, and every toddler is different. KNOW YOUR CHILD. See how they respond in different situations. When are they feeling good? When do they behave well? When do YOU feel good, as a parent? These things are not random occurrences. There are patterns to your child’s behavior and feelings; there are patterns to YOUR behavior and feelings, and patterns to the rhythm of your family. What are those patterns? Become a detective. Observe. Take notes. Remember. Put it all together. Here are some questions to keep in mind:
• When does my toddler behave well? What times of day? What situations? With whom?
• What kinds of things seem to make my toddler angry or have a meltdown? What changed in the situation just prior to the meltdown?
• What helps my toddler feel better when she is having a tantrum? What has worked in the past? Who is able to help her feel better?
• What was I doing just prior to my toddler’s meltdown? How was I feeling? Was I stressed/distracted/not “present”?
Start paying attention to these things. Once you do, you will start to suspect certain patterns. You might not be sure if your hunches are correct. That’s OK; like any scientist, you will test your hypotheses. How? By being aware, in the moment, with your toddler; then when you see the pattern start to emerge again, do something to MAKE IT DIFFERENT.
If there is a certain time of day that makes him fussy and difficult, try to decrease the noise and stimulation at that time. If there are certain places you go that make him crazy (WalMart, anyone?), don’t take him there! Change it up, and see what happens. Then, you start to have answers. Your detective work will lead to a much happier toddler. Good luck!
Aloha,
Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink
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