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Today is the final installment of my extensive interview with Nancy Peske. She and Lindsey Biel, co-authors of Raising A Sensory Smart Child: The Definitive Handbook for Helping Your Child with Sensory Integration Issues, have given us some terrific information about sensory development in both typically and atypically-developing children.

Today, she’ll be helping us manage our expectations of our children. What is reasonable to expect, as a parent? If our child has sensory differences or challenges, how can we avoid disappointment, and respect and value our kids for who they really are?

BabyShrink: My readers are talking a lot about
the emotional side of having babies who challenge their expectations of what it
will be like to be a parent. If their baby is somehow different than they
expected; needs more (or less) stimulation, comforting, sleep, etc., they are
often surprised when their babies do not match the descriptions of newborn
behavior in the "What To Expect" type books. They start to feel
guilty that they are somehow not "making the grade" as a parent.

What
can you say to these parents about the realities of parenting such a baby? How
can they themselves cope with the strong feelings that may arise in such a
case? How can they avoid beating themselves up, blaming themselves, and instead
enjoy their own, unique child?

Nancy Peske: We’re told by books and experts to
not compare our children to others, but then we constantly get the subtle
message that we should do exactly that! In general, most people don’t look at a
child’s behavior or development and say, “Oh, I wonder if there’s
something unusual happening with that child at a biological level?”

And
some people don’t believe at all in biological causes of behaviors, and will
quickly judge you and your little one, saying, “Send him over to my house for a
few days. I’ll straighten him out.”

When you hear criticism, consider the
source. This is not necessarily someone who understands you, your child, or
your child’s special needs, and they might very well completely fall apart if
they had to deal with your child 24/7 not knowing all that you’ve figured out!
Picture them dealing with the screaming tantrum, the panic attack, or the
diaper showdown, and just smile.

The more you use your sensory smarts to discover what’s going on and come up
with solutions to problematic behaviors and to help your child move forward
developmentally, the more you’ll truly understand that your child is dealing
with a system that functions differently from that of other children. When you
hold your toddler in your lap, gently squeeze her feet, legs, hands, and arms,
and “magically” transform her from an overstimulated, fussing child into one
who will walk over to the other kids and begin playing next to them, you start
feeling empowered, because you know her shyness and whimpering is not due to
her being a “bad” child or you being a “bad” parent. You’re able to recognize
what she needs and help provide it (and as she grows older, you can teach her
how to get the sensory input she needs in a socially acceptable way).

One thing that can be extremely helpful is to join a support group or play
group where you can talk to other parents whose kids aren’t developing or
behaving typically. There are many wonderful online support groups where you
can hear from parents who have been there, who have advice and encouraging
words that will make you feel that you’re a competent, wonderful parent who is
simply dealing with a bigger challenge than you anticipated. A special needs
playgroup or Mom-and-Baby group can provide your child with a chance to
socialize in an atmosphere where his “different” behavior will be accepted and
honored, and where you can be supported by other parents as you support them.
Parents of typically developing children–even when they’ve known you for years
or are family–may never understand your child’s issues, but over time, they
may well come to see that you truly did have a very different challenge to
face.

BS: What can you say to these parents about the realities of
parenting such a baby? How can they themselves cope with the strong feelings
that may arise in such a case? How can they avoid beating themselves up,
blaming themselves, and instead enjoy their own, unique baby?

NP: I always think it’s a good idea to keep
records of your child’s milestones and to celebrate them. Bake cookies the
first time she takes a bath without a meltdown. Write it on the calendar and
mark it in the baby book. Take a photo of her smiling in the bath. On your
worst days, go back and look at your photos, or your home movies, of your child
and remind yourself how far she’s come.

Focus on development as a process and forget about
timelines and what he "should" be doing by such and such an age.
Again, this is where support groups can help. I learned I’m not the only one
whose child didn’t dress himself until age six, and so what? He eventually
learned, and it certainly didn’t prevent us from having a happy family life.

Try to let go of your ideas about what’s “normal.” What’s so very important
about being “normal” anyway? Many of the most interesting, creative people in
the world are wired differently, whether they’re dyslexic, have ADHD, or
whatever. If your child isn’t typical, it may mean she’s meant to do something
very special.

Then too, really make a point of noticing your child’s wonderful qualities.
It’s so easy to see them as a bundle of problems when you first begin dealing
with diagnoses such as sensory integration dysfunction. Isn’t it great that
your kid has such high energy that he gets plenty of exercise? Isn’t it great
that she has exquisitely sensitive hearing and truly appreciates various types
of music? Whether your child’s special qualities are being empathetic, creative
and resourceful, or able to deeply focus on tasks, remind yourself of these
gifts so that you don’t become disheartened by all the challenges in raising a
child who is different, and so you don’t start thinking that “different” is
bad.

Mahalo and aloha
to you, Nancy and Lindsey! Don’t forget to visit their website for loads of support and information.

Dr. Heather

The
BabyShrink

Nancy Peske, co-author of Raising a Sensory-Smart Child:
A Practical Handbook for Helping Your Child with Sensory Integration Issues,
has been so generous in her support of BabyShrink. Last time, Nancy told us
about what it’s like to have a baby with sensory issues. Today, she’ll tell us
about how we can begin to sort out our baby’s sensory preferences.

BabyShrink: Tell
me about the "detective process" that parents must go through in
order to figure out their baby’s sensory issues. It starts out being a vague
sense of something wrong, or just having a "difficult baby". How do
parents start to narrow down the issue to find what’s really going on? What do
they need to observe or record? What can parents do to better understand their
baby?

Nancy Peske: There are different "detective" methods. For me, it was simply
a matter of tuning in to my own senses. I have mild sensory issues, as many
parents of kids with sensory issues do, so when my son would fuss or show signs
of anxiety, I would automatically think about the sensory environment, focusing
on anything that was unusual or perhaps intense: lighting, smells, background
noise, wind, temperature, and so on.

Journaling can be very helpful. Write down what your
child did each day, and at what time, including what he ate, when he was
cooperative and happy and when he was miserable and uncooperative. One mom told
me this helped her realize that she was keeping her child too busy, not giving
him enough quiet, unstructured time. Another told me she realized her daughter
was always cranky if she went more than 3 hours between snacks or meals. If
there’s a sudden change in behavior, look at what might have changed. Always
consider sleep, nutrition and eating, and external stress as well, from
seasonal allergies and the sniffles to a substitute teacher at daycare that the
child isn’t yet comfortable with.

Focus, too, on when your child is unusually comfortable
with a situation that would normally bother him and try to determine what’s
different. A mom told me her toddler suddenly wasn’t agitated about his evening
bath, and she realized the one thing she’d done differently was keeping the
door closed while running the tub. Apparently, the harsh sound of water hitting
porcelain was what had been agitating him, so after that, she always ran it
with the door closed and he was fine with baths.

You can also run down the list of senses as you try to
analyze what’s working or not working in the environment for your child.
Consider sight–is there a lot of visual clutter in the room overstimulating
him? Is the lighting too bright or unusual in some way? Are the colors or
contrasts too intense? Is it an unfamiliar sight-the yogurt container changed its
look and now your toddler won’t eat the yogurt? (Hint: try not to serve kids
foods from the container to prevent this!) Think about sound, from background
noise to volume, to direction of sound (is it behind her? does she think that
the rumbling truck outside might be coming toward her?) and quality of sound
(stringed instrument vs. brass instrument, someone singing on a recording vs.
someone singing live). Touch–this involves textures, temperature, wet vs. dry,
and amount of pressure on the skin. Keep in mind that eating is very tactile,
involving skin in the mouth. Your child may eat only one brand of mac and
cheese and insist that the sauce not be too runny or thick. Taste and smell–children can be exquisitely
sensitive to differences in taste or crave strong smells or tastes. Don’t
forget movement and body awareness. And finally, remember that transitions and
getting used to new sensations are difficult for children. A child who just
came out of a car that was driving on hilly roads may need a good, long stretch
of lying on the ground or sitting quietly to regain her equilibrium after that
vestibular stimulation. Leave extra time when shifting activities, and give
plenty of warnings, so that your child’s atypical nervous system has a chance
to adjust to the change.

If you recognize that your child is processing sensory
information atypically, that doesn’t necessarily mean you need professional
help. Simple accommodations for her differences, and gently encouraging her to
try new activities that will broaden the range of sensations she’ll tolerate
and help her system function more typically, may be enough to make her feel
more comfortable in her world. However, if sensory issues interfere with
learning, socializing, and eating to a degree that’s concerning and
significant, more help is probably needed. A pediatric occupational therapist
trained and experienced in dealing with sensory issues, who has worked with
children your child’s age, can be extremely helpful.

Check with your school district’s occupational therapist
if your child is age 3 or over, and with your state’s early intervention
program if she’s under age 3 (we have links to these programs on our web site).
You can find private therapists through the professionals listings on
spdnetwork.org, through local sensory gyms and therapy centers for children
with developmental delays and disabilities, and through your local autism
community.

Next time, we’ll have the third and final part of my
interview with Nancy. Stay tuned! I’m
also busy responding to your other questions; Sharon from Texas has a doozy, you’ll
want to see how it turns out! I’ll post the whole interesting exchange next week.

I am honored to present my two-part interview with Nancy Peske, co-author of Raising a Sensory-Smart Child: A Practical Handbook for Helping Your Child with Sensory Integration Issues, now in its ninth printing.

Nancy and occupational therapist Lindsey Biel wrote their groundbreaking book to continued rave reviews in both the parenting and special needs communities. A National Parenting Publications Award-winner, Raising a Sensory Smart Child is easy to understand and provides real-world descriptions of sensory/developmental issues in children, and gives loads of activities and suggestions to help with our kids.

Nancy is a freelance writer and editor and has co-written, ghostwritten, and edited several bestsellers, including co-authoring the successful Cinematherapy series. She lives in Shorewood, WI with her husband and son, who was diagnosed with sensory integration dysfunction and multiple developmental delays at age two.

BabyShrink: How do sensory issues affect even very young babies? What is it like to be the parent of a new baby who has sensory differences?

Nancy Peske: Babies with sensory issues overreact to everyday sensations, or underreact, often seeking the sensory input their body needs. My son, who never stopped spinning and kicking in utero, was a very physically active baby, and he never seemed to touch things so much as whack them with all his strength – yet he never quite understood that he was hitting people instead of patting them. He also seemed to be constantly teething because the drooling just never stopped; I now know that this can be a sign of low muscle tone and poor body awareness, both of which are associated with sensory issues.

He was also a bad latch; it took three sisters-in-law and a lactation consultant to help me figure out how to get him to nurse properly so that he was getting milk and not whimpering every thirty minutes. Again, this was a problem with body awareness, and with motor planning. He was also overstimulated by wind, becoming hysterical whenever it kicked up, as well as by swinging. He would pitch a fit if we tried to take him out of the baby swing after 45 minutes. So you can have sensory seeking and overstimulation, but you can also have overstimulation and sensory avoiding. A baby might scream and carry on every time it’s bathed, or its diaper is changed. Feeding might be an issue; if the food is the wrong color, temperature, or texture, she won’t eat it, or will even gag on it. A baby might need to be held a certain way, such as on her stomach instead of her back, or get motion sickness extremely easily if she is sensitive to movement.

Sensory issues also affect the body’s internal regulation. Falling asleep, waking up without being groggy, and calming down after stimulation and excitement, can all be very difficult for a sensory baby. Letting the baby “cry it out” a few times does not work with these little ones!

Habituation (getting used to a new situation) is also an issue. The toddler who is chilled just can’t seem to warm up, and if she’s used to wearing thin little cotton dresses and sandals, she’ll insist on wearing them up until the first day of winter because heavier, warmer clothes just don’t feel right. She may take a week to feel comfortable with that new, short haircut she got because her scalp feels tingly and different for a long time.

The confusion caused by sensory issues makes babies and toddlers resistant to transitions. They need a lot of preparation before changing activities, and they need a lot of external structure, such as a more rigid schedule. They also tend to be more anxious and sensitive than other children, and are often reluctant to try new activities, but then may love the activity once they’re coaxed into it. The key is to gently introduce a new sensory activity in a pleasant or playful way. Persuade the toddler to fingerpaint, to offer her a smock and a paintbrush and the chance to wash her hands every thirty seconds if that will help her to do this type of important sensory exploration.

Pushing her, or berating her, will just make her more anxious and uncomfortable. Try to make new sensory activities fun.

Also, we expect babies to be inconsistent and a bit of a mystery, so it can be difficult for a new parent of a baby with sensory issues to acknowledge her gut instinct that something is “off” with her baby. Her concerns are likely to be dismissed by others, from her husband to her pediatrician to her mother and sisters, and well-meaning friends who have more experience with babies. The parents most likely to be encouraged to listen to their instincts about their child’s sensory differences are either parents of other babies who were much easier to deal with (less fussy, less inconsistent in their sleeping and eating habits, and so on), or parents of babies who were adopted from overseas orphanages, born prematurely, or experienced birth trauma or medical interventions shortly after birth. This is because the experts expect some difficulties in these situations. Often, the NICU will send them home with instructions about what unusual behaviors to look for, or the adoption agency will educate them about sensory issues and developmental delays.

But it’s important for parents to realize that if they feel there’s something different, or just not right about their child, they shouldn’t dismiss that impression. The more you learn about sensory issues, the more you’ll start to understand why you instinctively hug and massage your child in a crowded room before letting him down to the floor to play with the other kids, or why you put a snug cap on her head when she’s getting antsy. One mom I met swore that her toddler, who it turned out had visual processing issues, behaved worse on days when he wore red or orange shirts, and better on days when he wore less intense colors.

If you have the impression that your child is experiencing the world differently, then that’s probably what’s happening.

My interview with Nancy continues tomorrow. In the meantime, check out the Sensory Smarts website for more info!