Each Kid is Different

One of the reasons I produce BabyShrink is that I’ve had to learn the hard way with my own 4 kids — what works, what doesn’t — and why. Those of you who know me know that my doctorate in Psychology, and a license to practice in two states, didn’t get me much closer to answers. Doing a ton of research — practical and applied — has gotten me to this point. Why should YOU have to go through all that effort to reinvent the parenting wheel? Believe me, people — it CAN be easier — and a lot more fun. Keep these things in mind as you confront the seventy bazillion or so parenting challenges you face each day:

TEMPERAMENT makes a big difference. Your child’s inborn nature: whether he’s irritable, easy, shy, or bold (among other things), will shape the way he deals with your guidance — especially when he’s young. Pay close attention and figure out his temperament — it will help you decide what’s best for him. For instance, an “easy” baby might be pressed to give up his Binky at 6 months. An irritable, easily overstimulated little guy might be given a pass until age 2 or even 3.

AGE makes a big difference. Sleep issues (among other things) change dramatically over even a few weeks. A newborn isn’t a 3-month-old, who isn’t a 9-month-old, who certainly isn’t a 3-year-old. You shouldn’t expect your newborn to put himself to sleep — nor should you try. But it’s very reasonable to work on it with your 12 or 15-month-old. Vary your approach based on age.

FAMILY NEEDS make a big difference. Culture, style, the state of the parents’ relationship, and personal preference matter. If you don’t mind co-sleeping — if it works well for your family — great. But if the baby keeps you awake, interferes with your relationship, or you just don’t wanna — then DON’T. Your baby takes his cues from you, and he’ll be fine either way. It’s the “trickle down” theory of family happiness.

And now I hope you browse around for specific tips on your questions — potty training, bath time fears, sleep issues, behavior, sibling stuff and more.

Here’s another Thinking Points article, if you’re interested.

(And I hope you like some of the new changes here at BabyShrink!)

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Also, thanks to those of you who have been checking in on our progress on BABY # 4. I’m 34 weeks along, and although a distinct waddle has made it’s way into my walk, so far so good — with the baby, at least! I, on the other hand, wonder where my lungs went, as I can’t seem to BREATHE in the summer heat, and the various aches and pains of pregnancy are making it near-impossible to sleep. Oh well, at least it’s temporary…once the baby is born, I’ll be able to get some sleep….HAH! However, I am truly grateful and amazed at the miracle of conception and development, and I cannot wait to meet this newest member of our family. There’s nothing better than this!!!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

That’s why I like to recommend writers who tell it like it is. I just came across this Oprah article and wanted to share it with you. Enjoy! And stay tuned: I have my own news to share with you in the next few days…!)

Click here for the Oprah article.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

My extremely talented, yet ever-humble friend Glenn Sakamoto has been a mainstay of support since before BabyShrink was even “born”. I remember the day almost 18 months ago when I asked him for feedback about the project; I called him with a simple question about the design of my logo, and I wasn’t even at all sure that BabyShrink was a viable idea. But I got much, much more than I ever hoped for; he spent two hours encouraging, praising, and guiding my ideas, and I hung up the phone with the confidence to GO FOR IT.

Since then, Glenn’s been there. Not only did he create my AWESOME logo, but he’s simply ALWAYS provided me with support and encouragement when I need it.

Glenn’s portfolio and skills are impressive, and I know he did my logo as a favor for an old friend. I hope one day I can repay his generosity and support. Mahalo and aloha, Glenn!!!

Check out his talent here at GlennSakamoto.com.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

I would love your advice!

Mary H, Grand Rapids MI

Hi Mary,

It’s a very complex question you ask: How much do we push our children to stand up for themselves — and when is the right moment to jump in and protect them?

And you’re right — it is a different time we’re in now. Most of us (of a certain age…ahem) remember riding bikes until dark (without helmets, of course), exploring uncharted neighborhood territories with only our pals along with us, and riding without seat belts, in the front seat of the car (in my case, I remember riding in the front-seat FOOTWELL of our VW Bug!)

Our parents think we’re nuts about all this safety stuff. We all somehow lived…isn’t it good enough for OUR kids? And to a certain degree, they’re right. Our society does place an inordinate amount of scrutiny on the moment-to-moment activities of our children. They’re not able to run free and just PLAY, and have unstructured “down-time”. Free play, just for the sake of PLAY, is really important to the development of children. We schedule them like mad, and then wonder why they have ever-increasing rates of emotional and academic problems. There’s just too much pressure to perform, every minute of the day. So you’re right to wonder about letting them tackle their own problems, and having some room to grow.

But it is a different time — we’re more sophisticated today about safety issues, and we also understand that bullying can be really damaging to kids. So there is more than a kernel of truth in the approach that says we’d better watch our kids carefully, and intervene when necessary.

So how do you strike that balance?

That depends on your unique kids. Each one will have different needs for supervision, at different ages. Some may need a lot of coaching for how to negotiate complex social situations, like the one you describe. Other kids will have more of a knack for handling themselves. Similarly, their need for constant supervision will vary from kid to kid.

So this means you need to KNOW YOUR KID. What are their strengths and weaknesses, in social situations? What is their judgment like? Are they likely to cave in to peer pressure, or can they hold their ground? Are they leaders, or followers? Impulsive, or analytic? Constantly evaluating your kids in this way will help you know what they CAN handle, and what they still need your help in tackling. And don’t worry if they DO still need your oversight; social situations are one of the most complicated things our brains process, and they are mostly handled in the outer cortex of the brain; the last to develop in humans. In fact, it looks like these brain areas are still a work-in-progress until the early 20′s. So don’t hesitate to step in and help your kids think through these things.

The other issue for you, Mary, is that your kids are in a daycare. Your daycare provider is being paid to keep your kids safe — and so she’d better be watching them closely. Just for the sake of liability, she must provide them with an inordinate amount of structured, safe care. So SHE may be overreacting to her son’s acting out. But I certainly think it would be fine to approach her with your observations about your kids, and let her know that you’re fine with letting the kids hammer it out themselves in most cases.

And your idea about role-playing with your kids is terrific. I think that’s something every parent should do, starting at about the age of 4 or 5; play-act tricky social situations with your kids. Take examples from scenes you have witnessed with them. Wait until everyone is feeling good and you all have some time. Then talk to them about how they might handle a tricky situation. “Let’s play pretend. I want us all to practice what happens when a friend wants to play tag, but you’d rather go on the swings. What can you say to them?” I find kids really get into it, and even start suggesting wrinkles in the scenario. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised to hear them echo the lessons they’ve learned with you — when they’re out on the playground.

As for so many of the issues we struggle with here at BabyShrink, this is not a “One Size Fits All” solution. But by following your own knowledge about your own kids, you’ll find that balance over time.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

PS If you’re interested in learning more about the importance of PLAY in childhood development, read this great article in the New York Times.

Thanks for your advice,
Christine

Hi Christine,

I know it’s hard to see your baby so aggressive with animals. Now that your toddler is big enough to move around and check out her environment, she wants to feel, grab, and test everything out. We’re all born with aggressive instincts; it comes from evolution and our animal roots. But she has no way to understand that aggressive handling of things will negatively affect them permanently. She can’t yet understand that crushing the kitty will HURT it. (And she won’t understand it yet, even if you explain it to her a million times.)

She’s not yet cognitively able to understand the impact of her actions on others. She’s just exploring, and using her own natural (and normal) aggressive instincts. But it’s not really “violence”, in the sense of really intending to hurt someone. So don’t jump to conclusions about your toddler’s personality or temperament. She’s just doing the usual toddler thing. And she’s clearly also trying out the “gentle” actions she has seen you model.

So, what to do? Your daughter is at what I consider to be the most difficult age of childhood; the 10-20 month window is when babies become toddlers, physically, but they haven’t yet fully transitioned into their non-baby minds. So what you get is a big, mobile baby, not fully in control of her body, with all this pent up energy and interest in the world, and not a lot of coping strategies to manage the unavoidable frustration that comes along with it. My shoulders still tense up when I recall my own kids’ passage through that very tricky time.

Johnny Depp said that having a toddler is like constantly being on suicide and homicide watch. You always have to be prepared to prevent your toddler from killing herself, or someone else. It’s a dangerous time! All you can really do is provide as much safety and structure as possible — and this usually means a 1-1 parent-kid ratio at all times, until she gets into a slightly more predictable (and manageable) stage.

But with all that parent-toddler time, you do have the opportunity to model good behavior, demonstrate how to touch others (including animals) appropriately, and generally navigate around the great big world. Many of your lessons won’t bear fruit for quite some time, so pace yourself. But feel confident that eventually, your daughter and your kitties will be the best of friends!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

When I went to college on the mainland, it was difficult to explain my sense of race, ethnicity, and diversity. In Hawaii, everyone is a minority. We co-exist in an intermarried hodgepodge of nationalities and ethnicities. Interestingly, being Caucasian has a slightly negative connotation; we’re called “haole” here, meaning “outsider”; so much so that I grew up “passing” for being part-Japanese, even though there’s not a drop of Asian blood in my woodpile. I aspired to be part-Japanese. I considered the other races of my friends…Japanese, Chinese, Hawaiian, Korean, African-American…they were all “something”. Part-Chinese. Part-Hawaiian. Part-something. Being a haole, in contrast, was not “something”. It was…..boring. Nothing. So my view of racial and ethnic differences was formed in a place where variation and difference was exciting, challenging, and essential to the vibrant success of the community. The best of all worlds. If I may so humbly draw a parallel to the Senator’s upbringing and my own, I am proud to say this is it.

Recently, a friend called to ask about his 5-year-old daughter. He was appalled that she had told her teacher that she doesn’t like “brown-skinned people”. This is from a family dedicated to acts of social justice, and fairness and equal opportunity for all. He was mystified (and mortified). Where did she come up with this hateful idea? And how could they turn around her thinking?

The issue of race is, of course, a hot-button topic that quickly raises all sorts of feelings, attitudes, and ideas. I’m going to make the assumption that people who read a site called BabyShrink are fairly progressively-minded, so I’m not aiming to convert anybody with racist leanings. I’m preaching to the choir on that account, folks, right? We’re all hoping to raise kids with the ability to comfortably live in an ever-increasingly cosmopolitan world; kids who appreciate others (and themselves) for their unique individuality and differences, and who seek to learn from others with a different background or skin color — not to negatively judge them. So instead of getting into a dissertation on race-relations, let’s focus on the parenting issues involved.

Is it possible for a young child to be “racist”?

OK, that’s my first question. For some answers, let’s look at the developmental issues. We know that babies have an innate preference for faces that look like the faces they usually see. In other words, babies with fair-skinned parents and siblings prefer to look at strangers with fair skin. The same holds true no matter what the family’s skin color. A reasonable explanation for this has to do with our innate drive to survive. Something in us, probably genetic, tells us “People who take care of me look like this…….Those people help me to survive, and I want to be part of that group. Therefore, I prefer people who look like those of my group.” If that means a young child from a fair-skinned family prefers fair-skinned faces, is that child a racist? Of course not. That’s just evolutionary protection aimed at keeping families and kin together, for the protection of the group. And it’s hard-wired at a pre-verbal, pre-thinking stage.

How can I make sure my child does not develop racist ideas and attitudes?

Of course, there comes a point in the child’s development where rational thinking then becomes possible. It’s at that time that automatic, hard-wired assumptions can be challenged by thoughtful discussions and actions. That cognitive ability doesn’t really kick in until about the age of 7. But even as early as 12-18 months, children start to imitate us, and soak in our examples by osmosis. So you can start early by modeling the behavior and attitudes you wish your child to have. As they get older, you can begin to talk about the issues more abstractly.

Live a life of diversity

So the bottom line here is that, as families, it’s important to surround our kids with examples of diversity in day-to-day life, just as a matter of course. Even a very young child will take in the modeling you show when you interact in a comfortable, relaxed way with people who look different from those she’s used to seeing. But don’t start making abstract statements about race, color, religion or other topics of difference until a bit later. When she’s in first grade or so, she’ll begin to understand it when you start talking about differences. Esoteric, abstract concepts will bounce off a 5-year-old’s mind. “We’re all people inside, even though we look different on the outside”, and “What makes you different is what makes you special” are all great things to say, but really can’t be understood by a young child. So wait on the discussions until first grade or so. But make it a priority to appreciate differences of all kinds; different hair color, clothing styles, body types, differing physical abilities, all of it, and make a comfortable environment where the acceptance of differences is fostered and encouraged.

“How would you feel if someone said that about you?”

You can also start to talk about manners and feelings, and have your child look at it from an empathic point of view. “How would you feel if someone did not like you for the way you looked? How would you feel if someone said something mean about you, and they didn’t even know you?” Talk about how others might feel for being negatively judged. Let them practice putting themselves in others’ shoes. This will help them to consider the impact of their words on others.

So I don’t think that my friend’s child is becoming a little racist. Far from it; she’s looking for differences where they do exist, but she doesn’t yet have the analytic capacity to apply abstract concepts to those differences.

How do you handle differences, when it comes to your young children?

And I’ve been getting more questions about how to handle scary Halloween stuff with our youngest ones. It’s easy to protect an oldest (or an only) child from things that might be scary; just keep them at home, and turn off the porch light. But what about when your older kids are ready for the spooky stuff, and the little ones want to be just like the “Big Kids”?

Take a look at some of the hints in my earlier post on Halloween. But I’d also like to hear your thoughts and suggestions about this dilemma. Do you let your babies, toddlers and preschoolers go trick-or-treating? What about to the “Haunted House” and other scary stuff available on Halloween? How do you manage the Fright Factor?

So I’m thrilled that, despite my limitations, BabyShrink has continued to grow and develop, as any “baby” should. One of the really cool things is when producers of other sites — especially sites with far greater “reach” than mine — contact me to ask to cross-post an article. So I’m excited to show off my latest such effort, posted today at BettyConfidential.com. My article on “What is too scary for Halloween?” is up there now. Check out the “Hot Topics” box to find it…and cruise around the site, while you’re at it!

Go visit us over here, and let him know what other questions you’d like him to ask his panel.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink