Yes, there is.

Every day, I check my WordPress “Stats” to see what parents have been reading on BabyShrink. I think it’s hilarious that each and every day I get several Google “hits” from people entering in phrases like this to the search box:

My toddler smears poop everywhere, what do I do?

They end up on this page, which is my all-time most-read post. And if you’ve read the post, you know that I laugh from all-too-knowing experience.

But every so often, I get a question from a reader who needs more help with this problem; it’s progressed past the point of my suggestions. So yes, dear readers, it’s time for yet another poop-smearing post:

Dear Dr. Heather,

“Tired of Cleaning Up After the Little Stinker”

Dear Tired,

Sounds like you have a complex problem here. If her pediatrician says there is nothing medically or developmentally wrong, you can try using some of these techniques:

First, try some concrete behavioral strategies. Does she have a usual time of day when she poops? Most toddlers do it about the same time each day, and only do it once. If she does, watch her closely until she’s made her poop. Don’t let her wander away from you unobserved until she has pooped. Then you can give her a little more free-reign after you know she’s done for the day. Also, you can dress her in a more restrictive way until she has done her poop. Get a larger size onesie, with perhaps some leggings over it, to put her in until she’s pooped. If she lets you know in advance that she needs to go, fine. You can help her get undressed and to the toilet. If not, it’s OK for now if she goes in her pull-up.

You might also move around things in “her corner”, making it a difficult or unappealing place to spend her time. Experiment with furniture in the room to see if you can re-configure it to “eliminate” that place where she usually goes. Change around the whole room so her association to it is also changed. Make “her corner” a more focal place of the room, so that it’s not a hideaway, and she can’t have any privacy there.

Don’t make a big deal about using the potty right now. She’s giving you mixed messages about being ready, and in that case, the advice is usually to back off from potty training. Let her be in charge of when she uses the potty. But do be clear with her that smearing poop or going on the floor is NOT an option. It’s yucky. Mommy does not like to clean that up. But when she DOES successfully use the potty, make a big deal out of it. Hurray! What a big girl! It’s so nice and clean when you go in the potty! Consider giving her a small treat (one jelly bean, for example) every time she does go to the potty, even if it’s just to pee. And try not to be scolding if she goes in her pull-up. Just be matter-of-fact about it, and clean it up.

I also would not use punishment if she smears poop again. You might remove her from the “scene of the crime”, since you have to sanitize it. Be serious, but neutral. Remind her where she should go, and that poop does not belong on the walls or the floor.

Also, it’s important to give her plenty of opportunity to play with acceptable, squishy, messy things like finger paints, play-doh, even mud pies. She clearly likes the feeling of it; give her ample opportunity to make a mess in an acceptable way. Tell her when you’re playing with messy things, “This is fun to be messy. We can be messy with paints!”

You ask about the impact of her Daddy leaving, and whether that is related. I can’t judge that from here. But you can ask yourself about the impact it has had on YOU. If you have been upset, if things have been very different around the house, you can bet your daughter has picked up on that. But is it related to the poop-smearing? Difficult to say. If you need more input about that, I would suggest talking with a licensed therapist who has a specialty in working with young children. And if you’re having trouble coping, please seek out some help. A little bit of good therapy can go a long way — and help you to trouble-shoot when difficult times arise!

Try some of these strategies, and let us know how it goes!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Concerned about a child

Dear “Concerned”,

This is a polarizing issue that tends to bring out strong opinions. There is a community that promotes an approach called “Attachment Parenting“, based on the work of well-known pediatrician and author William Sears, MD, and one of they key tenets of this approach says that “extended breastfeeding” (past the age of two years) is recommended and important to the development of a child to promote a solid sense of safety and security. However, their key tenets are only based loosely on well-known child development research, and Attachment Parenting certainly has it’s critics.

One of the things I do like about Attachment Parenting (AP) is it’s understanding of the cultural differences that exist in families around the world, and the promotion of various ways of raising a family that can resonate more fully with various non-Western cultures. For instance, many Asians traditionally — and happily — share a family bed, or a family bedroom, as is suggested by AP. I also like the fact that AP promotes the reliance on the family’s own resources to know what is best for their children; we don’t have to rely on outside “experts” for everything. AP is also well-known for it’s insistence that the attachment between infant and mother is essential to the development of a healthy baby, both physically and emotionally. That message sometimes gets lost, or diluted, in Western cultures.

The problem I have with AP is that it’s adherents often tend to be quite orthodox in their beliefs. I myself have been sternly lectured for simply using a stroller (as opposed to “baby-wearing”, another AP belief), as well as for using a bottle to feed my baby in public. Of course, this is the opposite of the intolerant demagogues who criticize breastfeeding in public — it’s their shared judgmental strictness that bothers me most.

The other concern I have is that it takes a blanket, “one-size-fits-all” approach to all children. Some babies don’t want to be held all the time. Some babies need time without physical contact to “decompress” from all that physical stimulation. Some babies don’t do well breastfeeding either, and many babies sleep better when they’re not disturbed by the direct physical contact of their parents. And your approach to raising your babies has to be dependent, at least partially, on the unique constitution of those babies. You’ve seen me write about sensory differences here at BabyShrink, and I know far too many babies who have these quirks and preferences to be comfortable giving a blanket statement about “baby-wearing”, breastfeeding, or co-sleeping. In our family, only 1 of our 3 children enjoyed being held all the time; the other two needed “time-outs” from direct physical contact in order to look around and “process” all of that physical contact. They (and I) both felt better for a little break now and again, and I used bouncy seats, strollers and cribs regularly for these breaks. It simply isn’t fair to criticize parents who accurately judge the needs of their babies to include a little “down time”, or to make them afraid that they risk their child’s optimal development if they use a stroller or have their crib in their own room.

If you’ve read other BabyShrink posts, you won’t be surprised to hear me say that I strongly support the uniqueness of each individual family to best decide the individual needs of each of their unique babies. And to that end, I say that if it works for a family to have a family bed, or for mom to breastfeed for over two years, I’m not going to criticize that. However, I have met many families who suffer negative consequences of making those decisions, but stick with them in the false belief that it’s what’s best for their children. Often, an AP family will come to see me for a problem related to the development of their toddler. When I start to gather more information, guess what? Mom is exhausted, usually because she has been unable to sleep through the night since the day her baby was born; she’s often still nursing several times a night. And her husband is grumpy because he can’t get any “alone time” with his wife, and he’s sick of being kicked through the night by a toddler who gets bigger by the day. So mom is beyond exhausted, dad is frustrated and distant, and the toddler becomes the focus of the problem. Everyone suffers in this scenario. In this situation, my advice often includes the suggestion to transition the toddler into his own bed, in his own room, to restore some balance in the lives of the couple. The relationship needs attention, too! If the parents don’t have a strong relationship, the development of the child will surely suffer. And if the child needs to sleep in his own bed, and be weaned from breastfeeding, that is a small price to pay if it serves the purpose of bringing the parents back into a more harmonious relationship.

So, “Concerned” reader, I can’t say that “extended breastfeeding” will hurt the development of the child, without knowing all the other factors in the family. It remains the responsibility of the family to determine what’s best for them — and for their child. But I certainly don’t promote Attachment Parenting as the “be-all, end-all” guide to what’s best for your child. Only you can decide that!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

AND MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT THE COMMENTS TO THIS POST FOR AN EXTENDED, INTERESTING DISCUSSION AMONG READERS!

Hi Dr. Heather,

My almost-4-year-old is extremely controlling. She tries to control everything including telling us to stop whistling or singing, and trying to control the other children at her preschool. She has always had an outgoing personality, and is very determined. We have tried ignoring the situation when she tries to control us, which has significantly helped. After weeks of us reacting the same way to a particular controlling behavior, she will subside. Now, the problem is when she tries to control the other kids in her school.

Is there anything we can do at home that will change her controlling behavior toward others when we aren’t around to handle the situation? She is also a very sweet and affectionate little girl who loves to laugh. It is her mix of control and determination that is concerning us.

Thank You,

Jenelle

Hi Jenelle,

We’ve got a 5-year-old who tries to do the same kind of stuff. It is annoying, to be sure! We’ve done what you have; ignoring the behavior. Eventually, it works (even though it can take WEEKS, as you experienced!)

But when it comes to school behavior, it is a different story. First, arrange a meeting with her teacher to talk about it. Find out how frequently your daughter tries to be “bossy” at school. Ask if it’s impacting her ability to make (and keep) friends. See if it’s interfering with the teacher’s lesson plans. The degree of your response will depend on the answers to those questions.

If it is a significant problem at school, you want to coordinate your approach with her teachers. Make sure everyone (including teachers’ aids, enrichment teachers, etc.) is involved in creating the plan, and everyone responds similarly. The more everyone is “on the same page”, the faster the offending behavior will decrease. You know your daughter responds to the “ignoring” approach, so use what works, just expanding it into the school setting. Then get at-least weekly updates as to how the plan is going.

You can also engage in some play-acting of the scenarios she encounters at school; ask her teacher to give you some examples of what tends to happen. Don’t scold her, but rather wait until you have some time together. Tell her you heard from her teacher that there was a problem between her and another kid, and you want to learn what happened, and how to try to make it different next time. Then start a “pretend” scenario, asking her to play it out with you. Switch roles so that she has the opportunity to be the “boss-ee”. Talk about how it feels to be bossed around. Play-act different ways of responding to similar situations, then ask how THAT felt. Again, try to keep any scolding tone out of your voice; she won’t listen as well if she feels defensive. Sum it up with a quick rehearsal of how she can “ask people nicely”, or “wait her turn”, or “let people try things their way”, or whatever the issue is.

And no, I’m not necessarily concerned about a determined and “head-strong” 4-year-old. She’s at an age where you have the ability to characterize her attitude in either a positive (or negative) way — and your attribution will “stick”, over time. So look for the positive side of her personality. This dedication and intensity will help her be a leader and a hard worker. And look at it this way; you won’t be worrying about your daughter getting bullied at school!

Try these suggestions on for size, and let us know how it goes.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

A new mom has about a 10% chance of having postpartum depression or anxiety. This is the most common complication of childbirth. Postpartum illness impacts the entire family. Not only does it affect mom’s mood, it impacts the development of the baby — and the functioning of the entire family. Most of us are too ashamed to ask for help — yet it is very treatable! If you or someone you care about might have PPD or PPA, please listen to the podcast and take the steps to get help.

I would love your advice!

Mary H, Grand Rapids MI

Hi Mary,

It’s a very complex question you ask: How much do we push our children to stand up for themselves — and when is the right moment to jump in and protect them?

And you’re right — it is a different time we’re in now. Most of us (of a certain age…ahem) remember riding bikes until dark (without helmets, of course), exploring uncharted neighborhood territories with only our pals along with us, and riding without seat belts, in the front seat of the car (in my case, I remember riding in the front-seat FOOTWELL of our VW Bug!)

Our parents think we’re nuts about all this safety stuff. We all somehow lived…isn’t it good enough for OUR kids? And to a certain degree, they’re right. Our society does place an inordinate amount of scrutiny on the moment-to-moment activities of our children. They’re not able to run free and just PLAY, and have unstructured “down-time”. Free play, just for the sake of PLAY, is really important to the development of children. We schedule them like mad, and then wonder why they have ever-increasing rates of emotional and academic problems. There’s just too much pressure to perform, every minute of the day. So you’re right to wonder about letting them tackle their own problems, and having some room to grow.

But it is a different time — we’re more sophisticated today about safety issues, and we also understand that bullying can be really damaging to kids. So there is more than a kernel of truth in the approach that says we’d better watch our kids carefully, and intervene when necessary.

So how do you strike that balance?

That depends on your unique kids. Each one will have different needs for supervision, at different ages. Some may need a lot of coaching for how to negotiate complex social situations, like the one you describe. Other kids will have more of a knack for handling themselves. Similarly, their need for constant supervision will vary from kid to kid.

So this means you need to KNOW YOUR KID. What are their strengths and weaknesses, in social situations? What is their judgment like? Are they likely to cave in to peer pressure, or can they hold their ground? Are they leaders, or followers? Impulsive, or analytic? Constantly evaluating your kids in this way will help you know what they CAN handle, and what they still need your help in tackling. And don’t worry if they DO still need your oversight; social situations are one of the most complicated things our brains process, and they are mostly handled in the outer cortex of the brain; the last to develop in humans. In fact, it looks like these brain areas are still a work-in-progress until the early 20’s. So don’t hesitate to step in and help your kids think through these things.

The other issue for you, Mary, is that your kids are in a daycare. Your daycare provider is being paid to keep your kids safe — and so she’d better be watching them closely. Just for the sake of liability, she must provide them with an inordinate amount of structured, safe care. So SHE may be overreacting to her son’s acting out. But I certainly think it would be fine to approach her with your observations about your kids, and let her know that you’re fine with letting the kids hammer it out themselves in most cases.

And your idea about role-playing with your kids is terrific. I think that’s something every parent should do, starting at about the age of 4 or 5; play-act tricky social situations with your kids. Take examples from scenes you have witnessed with them. Wait until everyone is feeling good and you all have some time. Then talk to them about how they might handle a tricky situation. “Let’s play pretend. I want us all to practice what happens when a friend wants to play tag, but you’d rather go on the swings. What can you say to them?” I find kids really get into it, and even start suggesting wrinkles in the scenario. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised to hear them echo the lessons they’ve learned with you — when they’re out on the playground.

As for so many of the issues we struggle with here at BabyShrink, this is not a “One Size Fits All” solution. But by following your own knowledge about your own kids, you’ll find that balance over time.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

PS If you’re interested in learning more about the importance of PLAY in childhood development, read this great article in the New York Times.

Thanks for your advice,
Christine

Hi Christine,

I know it’s hard to see your baby so aggressive with animals. Now that your toddler is big enough to move around and check out her environment, she wants to feel, grab, and test everything out. We’re all born with aggressive instincts; it comes from evolution and our animal roots. But she has no way to understand that aggressive handling of things will negatively affect them permanently. She can’t yet understand that crushing the kitty will HURT it. (And she won’t understand it yet, even if you explain it to her a million times.)

She’s not yet cognitively able to understand the impact of her actions on others. She’s just exploring, and using her own natural (and normal) aggressive instincts. But it’s not really “violence”, in the sense of really intending to hurt someone. So don’t jump to conclusions about your toddler’s personality or temperament. She’s just doing the usual toddler thing. And she’s clearly also trying out the “gentle” actions she has seen you model.

So, what to do? Your daughter is at what I consider to be the most difficult age of childhood; the 10-20 month window is when babies become toddlers, physically, but they haven’t yet fully transitioned into their non-baby minds. So what you get is a big, mobile baby, not fully in control of her body, with all this pent up energy and interest in the world, and not a lot of coping strategies to manage the unavoidable frustration that comes along with it. My shoulders still tense up when I recall my own kids’ passage through that very tricky time.

Johnny Depp said that having a toddler is like constantly being on suicide and homicide watch. You always have to be prepared to prevent your toddler from killing herself, or someone else. It’s a dangerous time! All you can really do is provide as much safety and structure as possible — and this usually means a 1-1 parent-kid ratio at all times, until she gets into a slightly more predictable (and manageable) stage.

But with all that parent-toddler time, you do have the opportunity to model good behavior, demonstrate how to touch others (including animals) appropriately, and generally navigate around the great big world. Many of your lessons won’t bear fruit for quite some time, so pace yourself. But feel confident that eventually, your daughter and your kitties will be the best of friends!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

When I went to college on the mainland, it was difficult to explain my sense of race, ethnicity, and diversity. In Hawaii, everyone is a minority. We co-exist in an intermarried hodgepodge of nationalities and ethnicities. Interestingly, being Caucasian has a slightly negative connotation; we’re called “haole” here, meaning “outsider”; so much so that I grew up “passing” for being part-Japanese, even though there’s not a drop of Asian blood in my woodpile. I aspired to be part-Japanese. I considered the other races of my friends…Japanese, Chinese, Hawaiian, Korean, African-American…they were all “something”. Part-Chinese. Part-Hawaiian. Part-something. Being a haole, in contrast, was not “something”. It was…..boring. Nothing. So my view of racial and ethnic differences was formed in a place where variation and difference was exciting, challenging, and essential to the vibrant success of the community. The best of all worlds. If I may so humbly draw a parallel to the Senator’s upbringing and my own, I am proud to say this is it.

Recently, a friend called to ask about his 5-year-old daughter. He was appalled that she had told her teacher that she doesn’t like “brown-skinned people”. This is from a family dedicated to acts of social justice, and fairness and equal opportunity for all. He was mystified (and mortified). Where did she come up with this hateful idea? And how could they turn around her thinking?

The issue of race is, of course, a hot-button topic that quickly raises all sorts of feelings, attitudes, and ideas. I’m going to make the assumption that people who read a site called BabyShrink are fairly progressively-minded, so I’m not aiming to convert anybody with racist leanings. I’m preaching to the choir on that account, folks, right? We’re all hoping to raise kids with the ability to comfortably live in an ever-increasingly cosmopolitan world; kids who appreciate others (and themselves) for their unique individuality and differences, and who seek to learn from others with a different background or skin color — not to negatively judge them. So instead of getting into a dissertation on race-relations, let’s focus on the parenting issues involved.

Is it possible for a young child to be “racist”?

OK, that’s my first question. For some answers, let’s look at the developmental issues. We know that babies have an innate preference for faces that look like the faces they usually see. In other words, babies with fair-skinned parents and siblings prefer to look at strangers with fair skin. The same holds true no matter what the family’s skin color. A reasonable explanation for this has to do with our innate drive to survive. Something in us, probably genetic, tells us “People who take care of me look like this…….Those people help me to survive, and I want to be part of that group. Therefore, I prefer people who look like those of my group.” If that means a young child from a fair-skinned family prefers fair-skinned faces, is that child a racist? Of course not. That’s just evolutionary protection aimed at keeping families and kin together, for the protection of the group. And it’s hard-wired at a pre-verbal, pre-thinking stage.

How can I make sure my child does not develop racist ideas and attitudes?

Of course, there comes a point in the child’s development where rational thinking then becomes possible. It’s at that time that automatic, hard-wired assumptions can be challenged by thoughtful discussions and actions. That cognitive ability doesn’t really kick in until about the age of 7. But even as early as 12-18 months, children start to imitate us, and soak in our examples by osmosis. So you can start early by modeling the behavior and attitudes you wish your child to have. As they get older, you can begin to talk about the issues more abstractly.

Live a life of diversity

So the bottom line here is that, as families, it’s important to surround our kids with examples of diversity in day-to-day life, just as a matter of course. Even a very young child will take in the modeling you show when you interact in a comfortable, relaxed way with people who look different from those she’s used to seeing. But don’t start making abstract statements about race, color, religion or other topics of difference until a bit later. When she’s in first grade or so, she’ll begin to understand it when you start talking about differences. Esoteric, abstract concepts will bounce off a 5-year-old’s mind. “We’re all people inside, even though we look different on the outside”, and “What makes you different is what makes you special” are all great things to say, but really can’t be understood by a young child. So wait on the discussions until first grade or so. But make it a priority to appreciate differences of all kinds; different hair color, clothing styles, body types, differing physical abilities, all of it, and make a comfortable environment where the acceptance of differences is fostered and encouraged.

“How would you feel if someone said that about you?”

You can also start to talk about manners and feelings, and have your child look at it from an empathic point of view. “How would you feel if someone did not like you for the way you looked? How would you feel if someone said something mean about you, and they didn’t even know you?” Talk about how others might feel for being negatively judged. Let them practice putting themselves in others’ shoes. This will help them to consider the impact of their words on others.

So I don’t think that my friend’s child is becoming a little racist. Far from it; she’s looking for differences where they do exist, but she doesn’t yet have the analytic capacity to apply abstract concepts to those differences.

How do you handle differences, when it comes to your young children?

And I’ve been getting more questions about how to handle scary Halloween stuff with our youngest ones. It’s easy to protect an oldest (or an only) child from things that might be scary; just keep them at home, and turn off the porch light. But what about when your older kids are ready for the spooky stuff, and the little ones want to be just like the “Big Kids”?

Take a look at some of the hints in my earlier post on Halloween. But I’d also like to hear your thoughts and suggestions about this dilemma. Do you let your babies, toddlers and preschoolers go trick-or-treating? What about to the “Haunted House” and other scary stuff available on Halloween? How do you manage the Fright Factor?

So I’m thrilled that, despite my limitations, BabyShrink has continued to grow and develop, as any “baby” should. One of the really cool things is when producers of other sites — especially sites with far greater “reach” than mine — contact me to ask to cross-post an article. So I’m excited to show off my latest such effort, posted today at BettyConfidential.com. My article on “What is too scary for Halloween?” is up there now. Check out the “Hot Topics” box to find it…and cruise around the site, while you’re at it!

Here at BabyShrink, I get emailed questions from all over the world. Many of these make it onto the site; questions about potty training, TV-watching, and poop-smearing (which is my most-read post, if you can believe it!)

But there are other questions; questions too pained and personal to be published. Questions from mothers desperate about the difficulty of having a new baby. Questions from grandmothers, worried about the dark circles under their daughter’s eyes. Questions from husbands, worried that their wives (and marriages) might never be the same after the birth of their baby.

In our Lamaze class, we met several couples. You know how it is; you can’t help bonding with other couples going through the same trial-by-fire. You stay in touch with some of them. Others fade away, but you always recognize each other, say “hi” at the grocery store, and ask about their child, who is the same age as yours.

There was one couple we met and really liked. But they never seemed to follow through on suggestions of get-togethers. When we ran into them, they seemed fine. But they weren’t.

Quite by accident, I found out that the Mom had suffered a terrible, crushing postpartum depression after the birth of their baby. They never came to us — knowing we were both psychologists — and suffered alone.

I was stunned to have been so clueless about the pain they went through. Luckily, they eventually got help, and all is well now. But I never forgot about the terrible shame and hopelessness that must have driven them into silence.

I know there are many more of you out there, similarly suffering in silence. I hope that this, my first BabyShrink podcast, can help.

There are many people to thank in the launching of this podcast. Ilima Loomis, who helped me see that a podcast was the perfect vehicle for communicating with new mothers, who are alone and up with the baby at night. Heather Sanders, for my tech-support and visual flair extraordinaire, Glenn Sakamoto, my most tireless and knowledgeable supporter and designer, Danny Evans, who made BabyShrink happen, and his lovely Hot Wife, my BFF and straight-shooting reviewer. I also want to thank the women and families who have opened up the most frightening and painful chapters of their lives to me, to help me understand how best to help others.

I’m also collecting stories of recovery. If you’ve suffered from PPD and come through to the other side, please post a comment here to encourage others to get help….and send the message that you CAN feel better.

Note: This is a 16-minute podcast. It downloads to your player OR your computer in less than one minute, with a broadband connection.

[Click to Download Podcast Here]