Simpler Is Better

Preserving the meaning of the holidays is tricky with so much pressure — pressure to BUY, pressure to TRAVEL, and pressure to JUGGLE HOLIDAY EVENTS. The obligations start to pile up, and pretty soon we can’t wait until it’s all over.

Here in Hawaii, we’ve learned something about simplicity: Simple is better. Not always easier — but better. As we’re being bombarded with impossible holiday expectations, keep this in mind — babies and young children don’t have ANY expectations for the holidays. Everything is new to them — even more reason to keep it simple. They can only absorb so much before they go into overload and meltdown. Admiring decorations, singing songs, and extra time with family are all it takes to make a great holiday for a young child — and make it easier on us, too.

Because kids — especially young kids — take their cues directly from us. So a successful holiday is mainly about OUR mood, and how it affects our kids. If we’re stressed about travel schedules, dreading family reunions, and scrambling to get “the best” presents, our kids will absorb THOSE feelings about the holidays. On the other hand, if we can relax and enjoy the time off — cooking, playing, and having fun with holiday rituals — our kids will absorb THOSE feelings. Which sounds better?

Consider These Simpler Holiday Options:

* Fewer presents — more thoughtfully written (and decorated) cards
* Fewer “junk” holiday treats — more time cooking real meals together
* Less money spent on toys — more time volunteering for those in need
* Fewer holiday parties — more family “cocooning” time

Aloha and Happy Holidays,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

I’ve just had a rare parenting experience; making a meal that my toddler ate — and enjoyed.

Even Cake -- Rejected!

Pediatricians tell us that toddlers need fewer calories, so not to worry. But there’s another more developmental reason that toddlers often don’t eat. The “simple” cycle of HUNGER —–> EATING —–> FEELING BETTER isn’t really so simple for your toddler. It involves conscious awareness of a physical cue (hunger), understanding that FOOD is the solution to HUNGER, and then expressing that need to us. Not only do toddlers have better things to do than to sit and be restrained in a highchair (things like walking, running, climbing and screaming about bathtime), but they have a hard time “tuning in” to that feeling of hunger to begin with. We can all relate to that, right? Getting so consumed in an absorbing activity that we forget to eat. That’s the daily experience of your toddler.

Understanding this dynamic makes it easier to handle. Try this:

Think ahead about when your toddler’s likely to get hungry, and offer something she usually likes to entice her to the highchair. (Thin, crunchy breadsticks are the snack of choice at our house these days.) Then offer her a prepared meal — don’t expect her to sit and wait while you make it. If she resists, that’s OK. Take her down and send her on her way. Try again at the next regular snack or mealtime.

Drinking milk is your toddler’s default — it’s a lot easier to drink milk (think how easy a nice milkshake goes down), and it’s reminiscent of the good ol’ baby days, when parents took care of everything. In other words, it’s regressive — and comforting. And sometimes, toddlers get so crazy-hungry that they’re beyond food — it just doesn’t satisfy the way milk would. As long as your toddler’s experimenting with food and getting a little variety during the course of the week, regressing to milk in the service of preventing a hunger meltdown sometimes is OK. (But check out her menu with her pediatrician if you’re unsure.)

Don’t panic about rejected food. You can’t force a toddler eat, poop, or sleep. Putting extra pressure on the situation only makes it worse. Take a deep breath and be glad you’re not contributing to a future food neurosis.

Rest assured that as your toddler gets a bit older, this dynamic will naturally improve — young toddlers have more trouble with food than older, “more experienced” toddlers do. And as she gets to preschool age (3 or so), she’ll be more interested in playing social games involving food (think “Tea Party”), AND she’ll have a lot more experience with food under her belt. Once again, the miracle of development will help us get through this maddening stage.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

A common parenting problem: The Baby Refuses a Bottle — And Mom Works (or otherwise can’t always be with the baby). Here are some tips:

Prevention and Practice. If you expect her to take a bottle intermittently, you’ve got to keep up the practice. Have her take a bottle at least every 1-2 days — even if Mom will be with her — to keep up her familiarity with it (and prevent problems when you DO need to leave her). I can’t emphasize this enough.
DON’T PANIC. I know Baby is hungry and fussy, but this too shall pass. The more stressed out you are about it, the more the problem will be reinforced. Stay calm, keep trying, and Baby will eventually accept the bottle again. In the meantime, arrange your schedule so you can nurse, but keep trying with the bottle.
Often, Dads, sitters and grandmas have better luck with the bottle than Mom will. We Moms often have trouble trusting that anyone might possibly substitute for us, but this is a sure sign it’s time to let go.
Offer a bottle to Baby when she’s asleep. She’s more likely to accept the bottle when drowsy or sleeping.
Experiment with different bottles and nipples, but don’t blow Baby’s college savings on this technique. It often doesn’t work — but worth a try. Babies who refuse one nipple will often accept the same one just a few hours or days later.
Don’t try to “force feed” in any way. This will start a struggle that you can’t win. Offer — repeatedly — over different times of the day, different temperatures, and by different people. If she refuses — immediately take it away for at least a couple of hours — and don’t get aggravated. She’ll pick up on your frustration, and a negative cycle will begin.
Have Dad, Grandma, Sitter, or Sibling offer the bottle when Mom is COMPLETELY OUT OF THE HOUSE. Babies smell Mom, and will wait her out if they sense she’s nearby!
And of course, make sure there’s no thrush, teething pain, tummy trouble, allergies, or other medical problem interfering.
“Bottle Strikes” (or their cousin, the “Nursing Strike”) are very common. Just when you’re sure Baby will never take the bottle again (or nurse again), you’re likely to be surprised. Hang in there!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Our 10-month-old is teething. ON ME. She wants to gnaw, chomp, and tear at my skin — my arm, neck, or of course the worst target, MY NIPPLE. And man, it hurts! These aren’t little love nibbles. These are deep, powerful bites that leave marks. Sound familiar? Today, I’ll give you some quick info on babies who bite, and by “babies” I mean up to the age of 12-15 months.

Those little chompers hurt!

Here are some quick tips:

Ignore and Distract. I know it hurts like hell, but any sort of reaction makes a repeat bite more likely. Your baby loves to learn new ways to impact his world, and Making Mom Shout And Yelp sure ranks high up there in “impacting his world”. Detach him, take a deep breath, and move on.

Offer Teething Relief. Frozen wet, clean washcloths, teething rings or whatever your pediatrician recommends for pain relief should be your first consideration. Biting is often due to his erupting teeth bugging him. Biting feels good — that’s why he does it. At this age, he can’t help himself.

Offer food or milk — or don’t. Sometimes biting occurs because your baby is hungry. Other times, it’s because he’s done with eating (or nursing) and getting bored. If the biting keeps up, change tactics to one of the others listed here.

DON’T lecture, pretend that you’re hurt, or punish (all tactics found on other online parenting sites). Those tactics cannot work with a baby of this age, given his stage of cognitive development. You’ll only end up confusing and upsetting him — or reinforcing the problem!

I’ve written about aggression in young children, and if you’re interested (or just plain sore from those sharp little teeth digging into your skin), go ahead and check out this post after you read this one for some more insight into the problem.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

When our first was born, I was determined to eliminate any possible source of noise inside (and outside) the house in hopes of bettering my baby’s sleep. I neurotically tiptoed around, turned off the phones, waited on chores that made noise, and considered complaining to the County for allowing leaf-blowers in my neighborhood. Guess what? Nothing worked. The baby slept as she was going to sleep (not very well) no matter what.

As I kept having babies, the ability to even try to maintain a quiet home was beaten out of me. It simply wasn’t possible. And guess what? The babies still slept as they were going to sleep (still, mostly not very well). But slowly, it dawned on me that the normal, medium-noise level of the house not only didn’t seem to worsen the baby’s sleep…it improved it.

Turns out, babies are used to a ton of noise in-utero. The mother’s body — and the typical household — make it fairly raucous in there. So don’t worry about a little noise — in fact, noise machines, fans, and radios turned down low have all been found to encourage a good snooze.

I have found that a sudden CHANGE in the noise level of the house can disturb sleep; for instance, a generally noisy house turned quiet all of a sudden is just as likely to wake the baby as is the big roar of the garbage truck outside her window. But all in all, the baby will get used to the noise level in your house, and eventually allow you to sleep (a bit) too. So don’t make yourself nuts trying to shush the other kids (and your entire neighborhood). Just breathe deeply, and try to grab a nap!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

It doesn't have to be a wrestling match

Chasing a toddler around is exhausting. The last thing you need is to get into a wrestling match with a poopy diaper and a flailing child. Here are some tricks to try (that also work with wriggly babies, 5 or 6 months and older, too):

Give a warning: When the stink-bomb hits, let your toddler know that he’ll be getting cleaned up in a few minutes. Advance warnings help with transitions.

Time it right: Don’t interrupt your toddler’s flow of play if you can help it. Deal with the stinky diaper when there’s a pause in the action.

Have a special basket of “Diaper Changing Only” toys that are normally forbidden: We have an old remote (with the batteries removed), a broken watch, a semi-functioning bright orange solar calculator, and various interesting items that normally wouldn’t be allowed (like small cardboard boxes and other unusual things). Of course, safety is the number one concern. But since you’re right there for those few minutes, you can monitor. When you’re done, the toy goes back into the basket for the next diaper change.

As with all Toddler Power and Control Issues, parents need to assume — and exude — a calm sense of flexible authority. You’re in control: Don’t beg or plead for cooperation — quietly assume you’ll get it (and more often, you will).

Happy changing!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

updated 11/30/2010

Today is the first in my series of quick parent tips designed to make your life easier. As a shrink and parent of 4 young kids, I feel your pain — and I’ve worked out some of the wrinkles along the way. I hope you enjoy these — and comment below if you have a question you’d like me to tackle.

Today, I’m picking up my 2 big kids from school, with a baby and preschooler in tow. Sibling rivalry is a common problem, especially after school when everyone is jockeying for your attention. The energy of the house totally changes once the big kids are in the mix. PREVENTION is the key to a smooth afternoon.

Try this:

Greet each kid separately, even if it’s just for a few seconds. Get down on his level for a sincere smile, hug, and as much of a discussion as you can.

RE-GREET the little ones so they don’t feel left out of the special attention given to the big kids. Yeah, I know they’ve had more of you during the day, but it’s still hard to let go and share with the big kids. Give a special few seconds as you strap them back into their car seats.

Music and other media in the car make it tough to decompress and talk after a busy day. Turn it off to bring everyone’s stress level down.

When you get home, limit your computer and phone use to a different time of day. Your kids will ratchet up the activity and noise level when they notice you aren’t “present”. Give them this time with you and your sanity will improve.

Give big praise when siblings get along, and let them know you LOVE when they talk and play nicely after school together. Try to ignore negative behavior…practice the Deep Breath and Look Away approach for copious use. The less attention you give to their antics, and the more you give them props for their good behavior, the better it will get.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink